Hey 2024, let's get lucky
It's only the fifth day into 2024, but I'm still trying to shake off the last bits of languish even as I welcome the new year. Perhaps I didn't close off my year in reflection properly, which a friend reminded me to fill out the YearCompass - introduced to me by another friend some years back. I shall do that once I complete this newsletter.
Happiness is a byproduct
On a similar note to "I'll do that once I..," I was reading through psychologist Susan David's recent Emotional Agility newsletter and was nodding throughout her description of how some of us postpone gratification or think of happiness as the end goal to achieve, not realising that happiness is a byproduct of Life's process, and not something to tick off a checklist. I'm midway through my life (hopefully in as healthy a way as I can keep up for myself), and this is a good mental nudge.
The truth is that happiness isn’t an outcome you get to check off a list; it’s the byproduct of living a life that is wholehearted and concordant. This is why those “I’ll be happy when” thoughts can be so damaging. They defer joy to some point in the future instead of allowing it to emerge organically from everyday life.
In the Singaporean system, how many of us (in my age group) have been told to "study hard, do well in your 'A' levels, go to a good University, get married and be happy"? I did all of that except the marriage part, so am I any bit less happy? Or are all married people happy? Being human is a lot of work, and putting hopes of happiness on someone else without doing your inner work is setting yourself up for failure, as I have learnt over and over again.
Friendship shifts
I was invited to a friend's Christmas gathering and while I knew I was going to have a wonderful time with the food she'd prepared (because she is an insanely good cook!), I also struggled with anxiety because I didn't know most of her guests.
I think it's the impression people had of me from school: that I'm extroverted, chatty, and (in a very reductive manner of introduction that her lovely husband gave me) works in [trending company]. I attribute my quiet anxiety to age and behaviour shift; I used to want to amass many friends as a teenager, and back when we all had endless energy levels, I remember I'd walk down Orchard Road (Singapore's shopping district in town) and ridiculously enough, had friends to wave to at almost every junction.
These days, I find myself being more of a listener at the table, chiming in only when I feel like I have something to contribute, but I'm more than happy to hear from my friends. The friendship dip, as elaborated by Anne Helen Petersen, notes the trajectory of how friendship develops in our teens, 20s, 30s and... I will stop at 40s for now. On the 30s-40s, Petersen writes that we are "reckoning with the state of friendship, attempting to rekindle ones that have gone fallow or let go of ones that feel toxic, a little more time and space to figure out how to show up for existing friendships" where we have a "prolonged stretch of adulthood that is not conducive to forging or sustaining friendship or community".
I feel the urge to fight back against compartmentalising friendships, even if we do so mentally to survive our day-to-day because there is just too much on our plate. Whimsically enough, I want to relearn spontaneous social negotiation, where it's okay to call a friend and talk about our day, instead of scheduling a meet-up 2 weeks in advance. In fact, I had an hour-long call with an old friend last week, and surprised myself with the low-key joy that came with the conversation. Mundane content, like "why does Bedok Reservoir have so many bugs?" and "oh, we're on a WhatsApp call on my laptop but I can still receive a WhatsApp call on my mobile??" but it's this interaction that I want to have, that goes against a growing sense of social atrophy.
Dear frantic world, therein lies the problem, as written by Rosie Spinks, that we are "so burned out by the process of staying afloat in a globalized, connected world that we simply don’t have the energy for the kinds of in-person, easy interactions that might actually give us some energy and lifeforce back."
What am I listening to?
Wooooeee, that was a long read. I'll leave you with a couple of good melodies, to wrap this up.
I got lucky, Kwon Jin Ah (lyrics are so relatable, good translation here)
Mother, Hong Seung Min & Onestar (random watching of a Korean singing survival series pointed me to this song written for this boy's mother, where if he could be reborn again, he hopes to be his mother's mother. made me think of my ma, too.)
Supermarket Flowers, Ed Sheeran (also a fond farewell song, and orchids will always be in my heart)
Thank you to the friends who have shared their joys, challenges and worries with me. Thank you for showing up for me, always. Here's to 2024, we're gonna have fun :)
Love,
Medhā