This Month: The D.E.S.K. Method

I've decided to start a monthly newsletter so clients have an ongoing record of strategies to improve communication and emotional connection. If you'd prefer not to receive it (about once a month), just click Unsubscribe.

I'd also welcome topic suggestions — if there's a strategy you'd like documented, or a concept you'd like to know more about, let me know.

One strategy I frequently share in session is D.E.S.K.:

• D — Describe the event (factually, without judgment)
• E — Express the consequence to you, and the resulting emotion
• S — State what you want
• K — Know you might not get it (said silently to yourself)

Example: A friend or partner borrows your stapler and doesn't return it — again.

• Describe: "When you borrow the stapler and don't put it back..."
• Express: "...then I have to stop what I'm doing to look for it, and it interrupts my work. I feel frustrated."
• State: "If you're going to take something off my desk, I'd like you to put it back."
• Know (silently, to yourself): "And I know I might not get this."

Why it works:

• We can't change other people — only influence them.
• Fussing or upbraiding someone is not effective influence; it tends to produce defensiveness rather than change.
• The "Know" step isn't resignation — it's what keeps you from escalating into a fight when the other person doesn't comply or agree.

Perhaps you remember a moment recently where this approach might have kept a small friction from becoming a soured afternoon.