This week, back to your questions.

Today’s questions—about boundaries—come from recent 1:1 coaching. (But you can also use this form to ask your own question.)

Talk about boundaries is plentiful these days. But I have something to add anyway. Haha can’t help it.

Boundaries are the meta issue in relationships. What is okay in relationships? What is not okay?

And people can’t stop talking about this because for the first time—maybe ever—many women at once are deciding that some things are deeply not okay, and we can do better.

We might talk about things like kindness, delight, reciprocity, loyalty and other qualities that we want in relationships.

You could think of boundaries as what surrounds your values and protects them, and as guidelines for how we handle mismatches in what we care about.

A simple visual for your boundaries is a bullseye. Inside is everything that is okay with you. Outside is what you are not having. Or else.

Oh yeah?

People think informing you about their boundaries, big announcement! = how we set boundaries. This is inaccurate. Boundaries are formed when we decide, internally, what we are not having. THAT’S the boundary.

(We will talk about how to express your boundary in a moment.)

Today I have two examples from working relationships, where the line between work and friendship is not so clear. Let’s get into it.

Our first example is two colleagues who also socialize. Gretchen is nice 99% of the time, but in a high-stress situation, she attacks my client Jackie (obviously not their real names) with displays of anger. Sharp words, criticism and unjust blame. Follows it up with stony silence. Gretchen is truly harsh, leaving Jackie shocked and frozen.

Jackie wonders how to handle it because of that 99% friendliness. Doesn’t that count for something?

Answer: Uh, no? Who wants that deal? Jackie deserves courtesy and kindness 100% of the time. So do you. The world is full of people who don’t savage their coworkers under pressure.

I suggest:

1. setting a boundary by telling yourself “Hey Self, that shit ain’t okay! And we don’t have to take it!” and

2. expressing the boundary to Gretchen using words something like these: “Don’t speak to me that way. It isn’t necessary and I don’t like it”.¹ (The End.)

If the person is your boss and not your peer, I would say the same thing, only I would stick “please” in front. Naked, it could be too strong to say to an employer. (But if that’s how the boss is, I’d probably start looking for another job.)

Or else!

Some people say you should add a consequences clause. “This is what’s gonna happen if you snap at me again.” You can if you want to, and if you know you’ll be able to do what you say.

But the main thing is, I would try like hell to speak that boundary once and never again. I am not a fan of the fashion for cutting one another off that I see in the world today. But sometimes withdrawal is the right action, and that’s what I would do here at the earliest opportunity. It’s not Jackie’s job to teach Gretchen how to job or how to adult.

I would for SURE take myself off Gretchen’s social calendar. Do we need friends like that? No! is what I think I hear you saying.

It’s not just paid employment…

The second example comes from a client, let’s call her Billie, with a high commitment unpaid institutional position. When a mistake was made, her paid boss underbussed her via email and copied the masses. Without talking to her first.

I bet you can guess who was actually at fault.

So. Was he lying in the email? Was he incompetent? Forgetful?

Answer: doesn’t matter. Nobody puts Billie in the corner! They get to come and ask her about it before spraying false accusations all over the reporting chain is what they get to do.

The boundary here is obvious and we all know it: If you think you have a problem with me, talk to me first before taking it public. (Save yourself some embarrassment, is what you can leave unsaid.)

But if they’ve crashed thru and burnt that generic standard everybody-knows-to-do-this boundary, here’s what you can say explicitly, in some version:

“Mr Boss, you can fix it by emailing everyone again to absolve me and fess up to your own multiple errors. And by doing so begin to repair this working relationship.

Or I can fix it, by telling the truth while I hand in my resignation letter.”

And in this example, a good phrase to add is “Your choice. THIS IS THE LAST TIME I WILL EVER EXPERIENCE THIS WITH YOU”.²

Between us newsletter readers, let me say it navy strength: if they know your highest goal is to preserve the relationship, and they’re the sort to blameshift, welp, you’re probably gonna get thrown under that same bus again.

(Lookit: how they TREAT you is how much they CARE about you. )

Before you get covered in bus stains…

You don’t have to say it as plainly as I’m saying it here. But you can! You don’t need to be temperate and smile like you’re not covered in bus stains. You can put up a fight for your sanity and your self-respect and your reputation.

Be a warrior on your own behalf is what I’m saying.

But save your life force and don’t explain your boundaries, justify your boundaries, detail the mechanics of your stepwise approach to escalating consequences, warn them “DON’T DO THIS TO ME.”

Blah blah blah NOBODY CARES! They stopped listening when you said No.

And dear heaven, don’t repeat yourself. If you say it more than once, what you’re really saying, and what they absorb is: “I have no idea what my boundary is. Whatever I said, that’s what my boundary ain’t.”

This hardcore shit is not the only way to do boundaries. It is a way. But it’s a simple way.

And it’s effective.

Set and respect your own boundaries, and marvel at how you’re actually the only one who needs to. Everyone else will care about respecting you or they won’t, and they get to choose.

Which is FINE, because they are 8 billion people on the planet, which mean you’ll never be alone if you have standards for what you aren’t willing to put up with in life.

🤓

The coach is in.

Question: how about we solve your problems right now?

This is a serious proposal. Things can take so much less time than you think. You could literally solve your problem TODAY.

Here’s what you can do: write your problem out on paper the way you would explain it to a dog.

Then ask yourself: do I want to keep this problem? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Or would I like to demolish this problem forever?

If the latter but you don’t know how, book a Problem Solver with me.

Single session, 90 minutes, $175. You’ll take away 1. a unique and very do-able set of steps and 2. a one-page document outlining your straightforward personal strategy for demolishing 💣 your problem ASAP. Just hit Reply to this email.

🇭🇰

REQUEST for advice.

If I had time to do say THREE THINGS in Hong Kong, what should they be?

And that’s the week! Recommendations next time.

👊  respect!

💗  adore!  

🙏  and thank you for reading.

_{Main image: Samurai, artist unknown, 17th century, Art Institute of Chicago. Used with permission.}

_{Hong Kong: Junks, Close to Hong Kong, Werner Bischof, 1952, Minneapolis Institute of Art. Used with permission.}