Hello friends! This week’s Q&A will clear the queue of Qs. If you have a question, I’m ready to answer. Ask it here anonymously, or just hit Reply to this email. I’ll still anonymize you.

Q&A

How do we find ground beneath our feet after prolonged and continuing chaos? (Background: my 19 year old son has persistent SEVERE mental illness and everything that entails). Is there a formula for "getting on with life," for myself and my other children, while living under a near constant threat of something awful happening? (Yes, I'm talk about the s-u-i word.)

Is happiness/functioning 1) possible; 2) even appropriate to want? One of the many things that makes this so thorny for me is that we have okay months and devastating months, there's no pattern, and it's in no way "over." So, how do we get over something that's still unfurling? That was a lot of questions! I do appreciate your wisdom. X

Answer = YES.

First, it is always appropriate to want happiness and functionality for yourself. And you can have both.

(Bit harder to want these things for others. I mean you can WANT it for them. But you can’t have it delivered.)

Your other questions are less straightforward. And I want to say I am touched by your love and your loyalty. So I really hope what I have to say helps.

I’ve observed a very online tendency to treat grave questions with a great flood of words, the first paragraph of which addresses the questioner before going on to drown you with pages and pages of memoir. “This is what I did when that happened to meeeeeeeee. But make it art!”

I don’t like this. Gonna try not to do it with you. (Tho I for sure could, augh.)

At the same time I want to remind us all that even with big situations like this one, it’s not the whole story. There’s probably a lot of good stuff happening too. Just something to keep in mind.

So this is my three-part answer, and the first part proceeds right from something you said: There isn’t any “after” yet. You are still in it.

So first thing is get a little time for yourself right now. Immediately and consistently.

Today, tomorrow and every day for the rest of your life. You cannot wait for this situation to calm down and present you with a space of quiet, special just for you.

Nope! You’re gonna have to take it.

The situation as described seems likely to get better, before it gets worse, and so on. It’s not a generative cycle, it’s a destructive and repetitive one. Self-sacrifice doesn’t sound like it’s moving the needle.

That makes two people, minimum, suffering enormously. Please, relieve some of this suffering by creating a corner of predictable peace for yourself.

Example: Half an hour every day with your phone off. (I can guess how impossible that sounds right now. OMG SHE DOES NOT EVEN KNOWWWWW, you might be thinking.)

But a little wiggle room is what will help you get steady and improve your thinking and give you more resources to draw on when you need them. And possibly do something really functional and creative.

If you dare to do this, to take time for yourself, will you be tested? Yes, MIGHTILY.

So two: get more support right now. Friends, de facto babysitters / someone on call, therapist, coach. Someone to help you hold all this.

I know I can sound naive when I call for therapy or coaching as if the good shit grows on trees. It doesn’t.

There’s so much awful therapy out there and so much stupid coaching. (My opinion sm!)

But here’s something that will widen the field of choice for you: science tells us that the flavor of professional schooling and allegiance to some theoretical model or other is NOT what makes the difference. There are terrible Jungians and amazing CBT practitioners. All that matters is the connection a therapist or coach is able to make with their client. Help is a heart transmission.¹

The above is bog-standard advice. It’s also hard to do. Make an appointment with me or call someone who loves you if you need help getting started.

Now then, let’s drive the “advice” bus closer to the edge of crazy. My crazy, not yours or your kid’s.

Something coaches love to say is “Nobody is talking about this!!!“ right before they start talking about this thing that nearly everybody has been talking about since at least William James. But this one … I don’t think people are really addressing this topic.

Which is demons.

I don’t know what you imagine when I say demon? Religious iconography? I don’t think we’re supposed to take those images literally—although some traditions do, including traditions that you are familiar with as they are operating right downtown.

Anyway, demon imagery: it’s just vibes. (Accurate vibes.) I think we’re meant to understand actual demons as formless. Psychic occurrences. Happening in the mind.

Here I’m talking not about your kid’s demons, but yours. When we are possessed by ideas like I need to pick up the phone every time my kid calls, even if it’s the 14th time today, or else he could end his life, it produces psychic energy that something feeds off of, I’m calling it a demon just because. Because it’s an EVIL PROCESS. Ya can’t nice it up.²

This demon is feeding off your mental anguish, panic and despair. It’s addicted to your life force. Panic is both how the demon distracts you while it feeds, and the substance it’s feeding on.

Obviously, we must not allow this. It harms you and your child. Probably all your children.

The good thing is, your anguish is the demon’s only source of nutrition. Cut off its source, and it withers and dies.³

So BREAK THE SPELL. SHUT IT DOWN. Your job now is to separate from the idea that you are the only thing standing in the way of utter ruin here.

That’s NEVER true. Nobody has that kind of control over another person‘s life; it’s simply not how shit works on an interconnected planet of sovereign beings.⁴

Also there is a literal ARMY of people who are waiting to offer your kid help at any time of day or night and they will NEVER not pick up the phone. Call or text 988 from US or Canada. Hotline numbers for Mexico and other countries are here. This help is free and confidential and from what I’ve heard these people are solid.

So I’m going to suggest you detach briefly (at first) and regularly. Spend that little bit of time being yourself, perhaps in the company of a qualified, competent therapist or coach. See if it doesn’t show you how to be an even better parent.

Man I really hope this helps. And please do stay in touch and let us know how it goes.

PS I always say this below, but it’s never more true than it is today: I am not a licensed therapist. I share my experience and opinions, both of which I have a lot. I’m smart, educated and a goddam volcano of ideas.

But nothing can take the place of a good live connection, so you SUPER should not take my writing as a substitute for medical, psychological or legal counsel regarding your personal situation.

Okay! LOVE YOU ALL.