_{Hello friends! My name is Max Daniels and I’m a life coach and a writer. I wrote a short and salty book about the easy way to quit overeating and binging. I write here about all manner of life improvement. And I have a monthly column about self-care over at Modern Daily Knitting.}

_{Please get in touch if you’re looking for coaching. You can also ask me a question.}

Cherry¹ asks:

My son is also SEVERELY mentally ill, but he is now 29 and when he was 19 I felt much the same as the letter writer.

It has not improved, except now we have his 2 children (that he has no visitation with) and loads of criminal issues that stem from his psychosis when he is medically non-compliant, which is pretty much whenever he is not court ordered.

I was hoping that perhaps you could help me find a therapist or someone who can help me.

Answer:

Excellent idea! The answer is YES. Let’s talk about how to find a therapist or someone who can help.

To shorten the time it takes, I have a few suggestions:

1. Do some writing about what you hope to get out of therapy. When interviewing therapists, ask directly if they can help you achieve those things.
   
   I remember one therapist who asked about my vision for my son. I said truthfully “I just want him to be happy.” The therapist (who was very junior) said “Ah happiness ... yeah, that’s hard.”
   
   This told me that either the therapist couldn’t help my kid be happy or that I was being unrealistic.
   
   But it also told me he was honest, possibly because of his inexperience. And that he gave a sh*t. Turned out he was a pretty good therapist for my kid.
   

2. Science is clear about this: your therapist’s ideology, methodology, alma mater—these things matter way less than the connection you make together.

   Do you like your therapist? Do they like you? Do you come to trust them over time? Are they demonstrably human?
   
   This is what matters. This is what therapy IS: humans helping and healing humans through relationship.
   
   (Almost everyone reading this today has so far been spared my implacable revulsion for AI. However:

   AI is not and CANNOT be therapy. AI IS OFFICE SUPPLIES.

   Do not waste your money. Or risk your sanity. I am not even kidding.)
   
   Here’s a little shortcut: a lot of therapists have phone numbers. Call them. You’ll get a recorded message. From which you can tell a LOT. Listen to their voice, their choice of words. If your heart shrivels, move on.
   

3. Make appointments and get in there to see them, if they seem okay on the phone.
   
   But as soon as you know it’s not going to work for you, move on quickly. Don’t be like me, trying way too long to make the unworkable work.
   
   If you don’t like them, or if they don’t like you and you can feel it, or if your worldview is kind of illegible to them, if they seem ignorant about basic sh*t like structural inequality, if they seem depressed², if they blow smoke up your a**,³ if it’s just not a fit, don’t try to squish yourself in there. Move on!
   
   I am not talking about bailing the first time you make painful contact with yourself or discover something that rattles you. That’s when you hang in there. A skilful therapist will help you do that.

Don’t discount coaching.

Some things are best approached in therapy. Some are best tackled with coaching.

But there’s a lot of overlap. So don’t discount coaching. A coach may not have a PhD. But they might!

A coach might not answer to a state board that governs their ethics. Doesn’t mean they’re not ethical! Maybe their ethics don’t depend on the threat of censure?

A coach might have what you’re looking for, including brains, kindness, a heart, a soul and a friendly way of being in relationship.

They might also have the very exclusive plus known as an open spot in the schedule. (Something therapists often lack.) You may be able to get in to see them in a matter of days. And they don’t take insurance, but they might not be that expensive.

I can offer myself, certainly for the short term, even a single problem-solving session. (Maybe to help you find a therapist!) Longer if that’s what you’re looking for and we’re the right fit.

But I also know other coaches, ones that I trust with any matter, and can recommend one depending on your hopes for yourself.

I wish you good help, a lot of luck, and peace. Please let me know how it goes 🙏 🩷

“Wowza and THANK YOU!”

“It was a real revelation how deeply diet culture and deprivation had permeated my brain. I think the real key is STRUCTURE, and realizing that I have to eat enough so that I'm not going to die (LOL) before the next meal!!

I'm so grateful you wrote this book and that you shared it with me. You are so right—this just doesn't have to be so difficult.”

—MaryBeth Melchior, Massachusetts

RECOMMENDING.

My friend Cameron’s upcoming course “In Its Right Place:” The Tarot and the Twelve Houses of Your Natal Chart, starting April 29.

Her last class on the Tarot was THEE highlight of March for me. A really sweet and small group of people, we met twice a week, got to know each other and actually saw each other through some big life events.

If you’re interested in the twelve Houses (and I find them the most fascinating aspect of astrology, in my beginner way), I predict you will love this class.

We start soon! I hope I’ll see you there. Here’s the signup link.

writing.

There are a LOT of things you can do to stay healthier and stronger longer. But if you’re only going to do ONE of them, make it resistance training. Over on Modern Daily Knitting I break with protocol to bring you a rare motivational moment.

Also, if you missed my March 20 MDK workshop Retreat at Home, you can get the replay and start planning your self-led, home-based, retreat-on-a-shoestring today. (Feel free to ask me about mine ;)

reading.

Just starting Bog Queen (not a Western) by Anna North, because I loved Outlawed (alt Western) so much.

Plz tell me what you are reading!