Why not me?

As I’ve written previously, I know tons of people on GLP1 drugs, and most of them are there for the weight loss.

But they all report a blissful silence where they used to be neverending food noise.

I have always wanted this. It is GREAT to be recovered from binge eating disorder, but it left some marks. Some injuries that are tough to live with, aka relentless goddam food noise.

I was resigned to not being able to take any of these drugs because of my digestion and elimination problems 😭 and also because my BMI is normal¹, which btw BMI is somehow STILL not considered fake news?

Anyway, the tipping point came when a friend told me her severe chronic pain went away on the first day she took an injection. High key vanished.

I had heard many positive reviews of course. But this dramatic effect got my attention in a way that moved me from the “resigned to not being a candidate” category to the “jfc try harder, plz!” category.

That was such an unexpected report. And I guess it’s explained because these hormones have more broadly anti-inflammatory effects?

But it made me think of awakening experiences, when the unstoppable food chatter has stopped but there were other effects, like the utter absence of unfounded fear, a global profound ease. You could say bliss.

So I went to my doctor and said, “Lookit. I have experienced the cessation of food noise once or twice.

“And I want that. I want to live that life. Not randomly once every few years, but all the time. Because it is clearly possible.

“I am suffering. And I don’t want to suffer anymore.”

Y’all. I made a GOOD case! Plus I cried. Not for effect, but because I couldn’t help it.

My doctor said “No can do. You are in good health, no co-morbidities, don’t meet the weight criteria. Go home.”

Reader, I did not fucking go home. I went to a nurse practitioner—cried there too—who supervised me as I took my first injection of tirzepatide compounded with Vitamin B.

That was 10 days ago.

Since then,

• I have ZERO FOOD NOISE (and this was immediate) but also

• this crybaby INJECTED HER OWN SELF in the stomach. It was METAL.

• the body dysmorphia is gone WHUT. I look in the mirror and I’m like Hey that’s all right! Nothin wrong there! Sometimes I’m even naked when this happens.

• the body dysmorphia is very linked to judgement about the content of my diet aka forbidden food, oh this is uncovering layers and layers of shitty neurology and diet thinking and I now just lol—what japes!—when it tries its bullshit on me

• I took a practice vow to abstain from recreational shopping for two weeks and NGL it was VERY challenging and I came close to breaking my vow several times. (Yes, this is embarrassing to report.) The day I got the injection the urge to shop LEFT ME. I completed the vow but have not resumed shopping for sport because who cares. I’m soaking in broad spectrum enoughness!!

• a little mild nausea and a little diarrhea the first 48 hours. Sorry it’s real. The nurse tells me it’ll stop.

• some slight flu-like symptoms possibly because I was low key detoxing after vacation yeesh

• a week before starting I got a terrible chicken salad sandwich and I hate-ate the whole thing. Day 5 on tirzepatide I got a crap falafel and I picked at it and left about 80% on the plate because why would I eat that? Btw, the falafel was better than the chicken salad WHO AM I

• also on my way to the nurse I flirted with a guy at the bakery who gave me a loaf of garlic-butter garlic bread with extra butter and when I got home I put it in the freezer and forgot about it til just now. I’ll probably never eat that.

• I have had to make an effort to get enough calories, where “enough” is still causing weight loss. (About 5 lbs in the first week.) (Yes I am being very vigilant about muscle mass, same as before.) I expect my appetite will increase as the system gets used to the drugs and that the weight loss will slow because nobody reports they became dangerously thin.

I shan’t stay down on that farm.

So then. How ya gonna keep em down on the farm after they’ve lived like normal ppl, eg eating half a croissant and don’t care to finish it, like as if tomorrow the sun can be expected to rise on a fresh pastry?

Answer: ya can’t!

Idk how this will unfold. It could still go horribly wrong; that happens for some ppl.

But clearly my system is getting some sorely needed satiety hormones. I’ve tried to roll my own every which way and now I’ve decided there’s no shame in store bought.

Do you want to know about my jurrrrrrney?

I have been keeping notes for my own self, of course. I’m happy to share brief updates if there’s enough interest. Hit Reply to let me know.

(Unless you disapprove of store-bought hormones or are tempted to share horror stories. I don’t need to know about that.)

📚 📚 📚

I found out something fresh about my own book!

Let me be clear: I know next to nothing about chronic undereating and especially anorexia. Unexpectedly, I do now know something about trying and possibly failing to get enough calories. (UNFORESEEN, to say the least.) (See above.) (I am sure this is temporary!)

Guess what’s a good antidote for that problem? Yes it’s eating meals at mealtimes. A beautiful comforting healthy structure that’s always there when you need it.

Damn! What ISN’T meals at mealtimes good for!?

If you are struggling with your eating, whether it’s binge eating or compulsive eating or chaotic eating or dieting or maybe you find yourself against all odds not wanting to eat quite enough, read this book. I can just about guarantee you will find the support you seek within.

RECOMMENDING.

writing.

Over at Modern Daily Knitting: Baby’s First Focused Declutter.

reading.

Just finished Old School Indian, by Aaron John Curtis. Seems like autofiction? It’s about a guy who grows up on the reservation in New York state, moves to Miami, gets married to a tornado person and develops an ultra-rare disease that forces him to go home and seek treatment from his possibly fake medicine man uncle. It’s very funny and also excruciating. You will like it. And it has a GREAT cover.