Dear friends—new and old—this Q&A is long and covers tender relationship topics. So maybe get your hot or cold comfort bevvie.

Cordelia Chase writes: I’ll get right to the point.

18 months ago, my husband of 15 years told me that he had come to the realization that he is bisexual. I have no moral issue with this fact. In fact, my grown son is also bisexual. My husband said that he had not experienced sex with a man, and he regretted that he didn’t realize/accept this about himself until now. He understands that it puts our relationship in a strange position, especially since he wants to express this side of his sexuality. He says that he doesn’t want any type of relationship with a man and wants to stay in our marriage. I have told him that I will give him some leeway to experiment (with men) and come to a decision about whether sex with men or our marriage is more important. I’m not interested in an open relationship. (Back story: This is my second marriage. I’m 63 and my husband is 51. And, I don’t label myself as bisexual, but I did have sex with a woman in college, so he brings up that I got my chance to decide.)

However, I have talked with a couple of trusted family members/friends, both in the LGBTQ community and the straight community. My cousin, who is male and gay, tells me to think of it as my husband’s hobby that has nothing to do with me and our marriage. He’s framed it as an activity akin to playing a round of golf, and that it is not a threat to my marriage. Intellectually, I kind of get it, but then I think of my husband in bed with someone else. The gender doesn’t make any difference to me. Sex is Sex. I mean, the whole “but they don’t mean anything to me; it’s just sex” argument is the same one that straight men use when they cheat on their wives with other women.

I love my husband and want to stay with him. Am I just being an old fuddy-duddy?? Is it just a round of golf??? 

Thank you for your objective viewpoint.

Objective? Hardly.

Cordelia, we’re gonna get into it but first, I just want to say how sorry I am you’re going through this, and how destabilizing, inside and out, this kind of thing is. A marriage is a whole foundation! So I am just so very sorry.

Now here’s your free pass to reassess my objectivity after you hear what I have to say. On a scale of 1-10, I would give myself a score of zero objectivity on the topic of spousal interest in staying in the marriage while asking for leave to explore other partners.¹

Your letter mentions friends and family but does not say they are 100% in your corner. Indeed, that’s not usually the way. Loyalties tend to be divided. People try to be “neutral.”



You’re the only one I’m thinking about here. For all I know, I’m the only one for whom you’re the only one that matters. So I’m not going to hold back, and I hope you can forgive me. My directness may seem harsh, but I think it’s called for after 18 months, and is my best offering in lieu of objectivity.

👉 Okay, let’s look at the facts. Husband says:

• He realizes he’s bisexual

• He wants to have sex with men

• He wants to stay married to you

• He does not want a “relationship” with any man he has sex with

• You, Cordelia, had the chance to explore while in college, so—I presume this is his point—why shouldn’t he?

My interpretation, could be wrong: Maybe he’s bisexual, maybe he’s gay and trying to keep his options open, by which I mean stay married. Like you, he says he wants to stay married and about that, I believe him. 



That would be quite the sweet deal: have a boyfie or two on the side and a wifey at home. (Is that Dr Freud asking what shall we do with this entitled don’t-make-me-choose infant? Maybe…)

I have observed that, as a rule, men are able to accommodate various kinds of relationships (and yes, I call them “relationships”) that include sex without blowing up their marriage. If married to a man.



When you have a woman in the mix, as a rule (plz don’t come for me if you consider yourself the exception; they exist), it don’t work like that. Shit gets blown up.

Oh, and experimentation in college? Pfffftt. Everybody who goes to college has the chance to experiment before declaring whether they’ll major in boys or girls. Everybody who gets married has the chance to experiment before standing up in a house of God and making a solemn vow to forsake all others.²

That he didn’t take the chance has jack shit to do with the fact that you did. (Good for you, btw! I hope it was glorious.)

👉 Your [younger, gayer, male-er] cousin says:

• Think of it like golf! Just a hobby!

What?? Even if your brain can think of your husband having sex with other people like “a hobby”, your heart and other organs cannot.

[Sidecar: Golf is a hobby. D&D is a hobby. One-sided gay sex in a heterosexual union is not a hobby.



Anyway, we’ve all seen relationships destroyed by hobbies! “Hobby” is not a load-bearing argument.]

Seriously, why would you even ask this guy? He’s a much younger gay man! Probably telling himself right now “I am in my prime!!”

He might mean well, but he doesn’t know your life.

👉 You say:

• He can have some leeway to experiment (with men)

• You expect him to choose: sex with men or the marriage

• You’re not interested in an open relationship

• Am I just being an old fuddy-duddy?

C, you don’t seem confused about what you want. You seem confused about where to get it. (And no surprise. Because you’re ATTACHED to this man! YOU LOVE HIM.)

How much “leeway” do you want to give him? If leeway is on the menu, is supply going to increase with demand?

I can see it now, him coming to you with his confusion, oh I just don’t know! Please! Give me a little more time, can’t you?

You want an exclusive relationship. He wants an open relationship. Those two things are incompatible at the beginning and in the end. How much middle is needed?

It’s been 18 months. Did you give him a deadline? I would have given him 48 hours with no leave to experiment. I am not playing. I am telling you my actual story right now.

When I was in a similar position (just swap “women” for “men”) and faced with the old “I don’t want to lose you!”, I said, and would say again: Señor, you can do whatever you want.

I felt he’d done his “thinking” (lol) and I was ready to end it, if he chose the freedom to be with others.

Because like you, I wanted monogamy. Like you, I didn’t care to share and so exercised my freedom to choose exclusivity, with or without my husband.

That was 11 years ago. One year ago I was discarded with no warning and little explanation, and yet (!) matrimony has never seemed more holy to me.

So you cannot out-fuddy me. I will bury you in fuddy-duddy! I believe in marriage more than ever.³ Seems like you still do too.

I don’t think your husband does, tho. I think he wants the Soft Life and Home Comforts and A Few Bits on the Side, and is working you to hang onto it.

Anything you want is okay!

Cordelia, you and I are in agreement that bisexuality is not a moral issue. Neither is being gay or being interested in non-monogamy.

Telling the truth to your spouse, when ya know it, is the moral thing to do. And that may be exactly what your husband did.

Lying, cheating and stealing (as in your life force, your emotional labor and maybe your financial support) are moral failings.

NOT telling the truth to your spouse, not letting her know where she stands, not informing her that you have unilaterally changed the terms of the agreement, stringing her along because she hasn’t outlived her utility and you need her to help you weather the hardships of this dark age, blocking her from making inconvenient-to-you choices because you want to keep all the decision power for yourself: MORAL issues.

I don’t know which of these situations you are in. Your husband claims to have conducted no experiments before laying this knowledge on you. Could be true.

It’s not the way to bet, tho.

Therefore I would ask directly. Because I’m 600 years old and as a wise therapist friend says, my pattern recognition has gotten pretty good. These things have a structure.

Let me be clear: I am not writing from the perspective of a person with zero moral failings. FAR FROM IT.

I am writing from the perspective of someone who’d like to see you prosper, thrive and enjoy love.

It’s not for me to tell you what you should want. My job is to remind you it’s CORRECT for you to want what you want. Even if other ppl want conflicting things, even if other ppl tell you you shouldn’t want what you want.

(Some other day we’ll talk about how the non-monogamous can turn a preference for monogamy into a character defect, perhaps because that’s exactly what society has done to them. But not today.)

Here are my suggestions about how to proceed.

Obviously you’ve given me a compressed narrative and there is much that I don’t know. Like I say, I could be wrong. I’d LIKE to be wrong!

But my read is the marriage you wanted is already over. Will Future You be satisfied with what your husband is offering in its place?

If the answer is maybe not, definitely not, or it will KILL ME, I suggest you take steps to protect your current and future self:

1. call a lawyer. Find out what the options are where you live and are governed.

2. move to secure your assets and change your passwords

3. if you haven’t yet, call your doctor and get tested for all the STDs

4. gather support: friends, lots of friends, and therapist, coach or counselor. As a couple of my teachers have said, get wayyyy more support than you think you need.

If this sounds extreme or overreactive, or someone tells you it is, ask yourself why it would be wrong to look after your own interests and give yourself all the options your husband has given himself.

Because I can tell you for sure, there is a future on the other side of this and when you get there you’ll be glad not to start from scratch.

Bottom line: I wish you happiness, health and self-determination, and I believe you can have them. Because I see your strength and generosity in your letter.

Please let me know how everything goes. We will be thinking about you.

Reader, do you have a question? HMU. Link is below, or just hit Reply.

🐅 🐅 🐅

If you have eating problems and haven’t read my book, why the heck not? Get your shiz sorted in the time it takes to read. It’s $5.

SALEM UPDATE.

Praise!!! Halloween is over. I’ve been 100 yards from the height of witch fever for about 10 weeks now. Wherever you are on the planet, you may have heard the collective exhale.

Best t shirt: We got 1692 problems, but a witch ain’t one.

Worst t shirt: Giles Corey is my crush. Ugh. He wasn’t a good person, but he was a person. Geez.

RECOMMENDING.

reading.

Infallible Human Recommendation Engine Julie H. had mentioned The Road to Tender Hearts, by Annie Hartnett, and I pass that whole-hearted rec on to you. It’s a tragicomedy about Very Broken Families putting each other back together. Also death. Much cackling out loud.

eating.

Halloween candy. ISO someone who still goes to the office to take these leftovers.

watching.

The Diplomat. Oh, and we’re right back where we started. Who could have predicted this?? What a great season! I’m totally stealing Eidra’s hair, too.

It’s a balm for the eyes after the most recent season of Slow Horses, which I LOVED, except for Shirley’s extremely upsetting haircut. She’s so CUTE! Why did they do that to her? Anyway I approve her new look seen in the Season 8 preview; she shouldn’t have to take one for the team every episode. That’s the job of Jackson’s hair.