Universal and unpredictable.

This week’s question is about grief. Should it be like this?

Beth asks: My mom died unexpectedly in December. We had a difficult relationship, and yet I am still grieving as if we were close? My question is, is grief exhaustion a thing? Because I feel like I'm walking through mud and feel the need to sleep. A lot.

Wow. Sudden death. I am taking a deep breath here. Sending you love and comfort.

Before we proceed, I want to say plz take what you need and leave the rest. I have strong feelings on this topic and you are likely feeling quite tender. So if I express anything that rubs you the wrong way, just tell yourself firmly, SHE’S SO WRONG ABOUT THAT. (You can let me know, too.)

Next, I want to send you more love and solidarity. THIS IS HARD. Death is hard. Loss is hard. Sudden death is shatteringly hard. This is all truly rough: I am just gonna reflect that to you.

Holiday-time death in particular can be just ghastly, with the mismatch between how you’re feeling and what people are expecting to see when they look at you, standing by the tinsel and mistletoe. Golly, the music alone! (Just give me the Bleak Midwinter, plz!)

It could drive a person to put on a black armband and adopt a Victorian mourning schedule wherein we don’t even appear in public for six months.

(Victorians! I think they got that mourning period idea right. Not that everyone was so lucky to have a year off obligations. But it seems like in the olden days era if you tried to tell your friend I’m fine now I’ll just pick up my regular duties again today, you could count on them to say Slow down there Sparky—that ain’t it!)

Anyway. This is not just any loss. It is your mother. With whom you had a difficult relationship. This is just big, no getting around it.

* * *

You know how people love to say We come into this world alone, and we leave this world alone? I am embarrassed to report I was over 60 before I understood this is bullshit. (Thank you Stan Tatkin.)

We do NOT come into this world alone. We all, every one of us, arrive here as half of a bonded pair.

Our mother is our original important bond. And we don’t separate from her or even understand we are separate from her for quite some time after we check in here.

I 100% believe you when you say your relationship was difficult. I bet if you were to tell the story here, we would all say Yep. That’s a tough one all right.

And YET.

In this one way it doesn’t matter whether the relationship is easy or hard, whether your mother was your BFF or your enemy. She’s your MOTHER.

* * *

Also, as you may have noticed, the culture is very into Grief with a capital G these days. You can take classes on Grieving the Climate and such. I mean, people will say things like “we’re all grieving” in response to the death of your actual MOTHER.

(This makes me think of the 20th century writer—I can’t find out who because guess why? the internet has buried him under a mountain of grief quotes—who said about the death of his mother: “I’m not grieving! I’m SUFFERING!!!” You morons, he most likely did not add.)

So pile that on top and it makes quite a pile. Your mother’s death. Its unexpected nature. Your difficult relationship. The fact that we all understand your personal grief perfectly and need ask no sensitive questions, because We Are All Grieving too. The fact that we will all give you all the time you need to feel your feelings; you’ve got 20 minutes because you’re needed back at work.

And maybe even some stranger will be so distraught by news of your personal tragedy that they will need you to comfort and reassure them. Some of these humans out here will even imply you’ve no right to grief when other people are losing their children in a crazy war. Like it’s a grief contest.

Ugh!

* * *

And also, what’s this “still grieving” about? What is “still”? December is nothing! Nothing, I say!

My husband of 20 years dumped me (like your loss, no warning) in June and I’m “still” peeling myself off the floor in April. (NGL tho, they tell me I’m lookin pretty good.)

So, yes. Of COURSE you are exhausted. Of course you feel like you are walking through mud. Fuckin mud!!!

I wish I could tell you when you will feel better. (I think that might be an implied question here?) There is no prediction model out there that is not bullshit when it comes to individual experience.

So I don’t think it’s useful to say I should be feeling better by now or I should be sleeping less or I should anything at all. I think you should not be surprised by anything that gets stirred up.

I do know for sure that your energy will return. You will not be the same as before, because that is not how loss works. But some of the changes will be for the better, I bet.

You will not “heal” from this loss. Instead you will accommodate it. Good times will come back. And one day you’ll realize you’re having more good days than bad days. Maybe your mom will come to you in your dreams and it’ll be hilarious and you’ll both laugh and laugh.

And I also think, if you don’t already have this, it might be good to either find a good therapist (yes, I’m sorry, I know how big an assignment that is) or a grief group or a death doula or shaman or someone that knows the terrain and can act as perhaps a companion, if not a guide.

Most of us need way more support than we get, and you definitely deserve it.

And maybe set up some things to look forward to. We all need that.

I hope this helps a little. Please check in Beth! Let us know how you’re doing.

Got a question?

Ask it here. Yours may be the next one I answer.

Have I mentioned lately just how USEFUL my book is?

Truly. I cannot say it enough: eating regular meals regulates a dysregulated system REALLY FAST. It’s great for grounding the nervous system and getting life on an even keel.

And most people aren’t doing it.

This short little book will make you laugh, probably make you angry on your own behalf, and show you a really smart, easy, fast and no-cost way to 10x your life.

GET IT HERE.

RECOMMENDING.

reading.

The Three Lives of Cate Kay, by Kate Fagan. It’s a Hollywood novel about a bestselling author with a closely guarded identity and a terrible secret. Romance wrapped in treachery and suspense. Liked it a lot!

watching.

The Residence, with Uzo Aduba in a bit of a Miss Marple turn, is quite charming. Soothing murder fare about White House staffers. It ends with a rah-rah speech that I thought kinda broke the mood with its obviousness. But that’s a quibble.

Request: What are you enjoying? Hit me with your recs plz! Just Reply to this email.

And that’s the week!

👊  respect!

💗  adore!  

🙏  and thank you for reading.