A partial list of things I haven't been doing much of lately
tl;dr I think I need my meds adjusted
So a funny thing has happened in the last year or so. I went on and then off a biologic for my psoriatic arthritis (It didn’t help, and made me exhausted all the time) and also I’ve been dealing with a profound lack of stamina and a lack of desire to do any of the creative and active things I usually take joy in doing—writing, playing guitar, journaling, baking, cooking interesting food, gardening, riding, any of it.
I’ve been struggling with a weird kind of aphantasia in my writing where I can no longer feel the shape and movement of a story in my head, which makes everything I’m working on feel flat and dry to me. And it affects what I’m reading and watching, too. Stories just don’t engage me fully most of the time currently. I can’t fall into the fictional dream: it’s just all work.
A side effect of all this is that I have been really bored, because all the things I normally do with my time have seemed like too much effort. I honestly haven’t even felt like trying to be witty on Bluesky. It’s like there’s no there there.
There are no jokes and metaphors and witty asides in my head, no desires to try a new elaborate recipe just because, and it’s annoyingly quiet in here.
It’s not anhedonia, because I have been perfectly capable of enjoying time with friends or a nice meal or whatever. It’s just a complete lack of motivation and ability to create.
Yesterday, it occurred to me that maybe the problem was a brain med I started taking about eighteen months ago and tapered up to the current dosage on last fall, so I am talking to my health care practitioners about lowering the dose on that and seeing if it helps. It works really well as a mood stabilizer (I have bipolar disorder and cPTSD, which is a great combination for quality of life when untreated, let me tell you) but I’m wondering if it works a little too well and it’s trashed my creative desire.
(Yes, I am intentionally not naming any of the meds here because I don’t feel like litigating my treatment with anybody except my doctors.)
Anyway, I know I’ve been quiet, and I’m sorry. Newsletters are creative output too, and I just haven’t had anything to say for myself for quite some time.
Here’s hoping that I can get back into doing instead of just being here in the not-too-distant future, because frankly this book won’t write itself and right now I am not having a lot of success in writing it either.
Anyway, that’s why I’ve been so quiet. Hopefully I’ll be getting a little of my zip back sometimes soon.
Best,
Bear