What Stories Drive You?
Fran faced pressure from all sides. Two big projects of hers fell behind schedule and her boss just mentioned a third one coming. Then there were all the little requests from HR, operations, and legal which were not really her job, but they needed her input. And she had the kids’ after school events for the next three evenings.
What could Fran do?
What would you do?
How might some of your peers respond?
Where have you seen people respond in surprising ways to these situations?
How We React
When under stress, we have more options than fight or flight. Some freeze as the body hits pause trying to hold back the tension, while the brain tries to assess the situation or hopes the threat passes. Some try to placate, people-please, or fawn when they feel the threat comes from another person. Sometimes we flock with others when we feel there is a common threat and we want support and wish to provide support. Some of us flop where the body goes numb or we mentally disassociate from the situation. Some will flood with tears or faint if the stress becomes sufficiently intense.
Have you observed these reactions in coworkers? In yourself? What causes these different responses?
What Story Drives the Action?
Between every stressful stimulus and response is a story we tell ourselves. It flashes by in a millisecond and it’s well-rehearsed based on our biology and the environment we grew up in. When faced with one or more stressors, we may not hear the story, but we feel it. We respond in one or multiple ways of fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flock, flop, flood or faint.
Think of these situations: bills to pay, no responses to job interviews, more work heaped upon you, or someone you know is in the hospital. Did a response immediately come to mind? Did you add details automatically? For example: Is there money to pay the bills? Have you been out of work with no interviews after two months or eighteen months? Was more worked heaped upon you as someone surviving recent layoffs? Is the person in the hospital an acquaintance or family member?
Did you catch the story you told yourself when you thought of these situations? Did others come to mind in some of these situations?
These stories connect to some event from your past. You may not even recall the situation, but the story is there. The story represents the meaning of that event. And you can rewrite the story.
Can You Create New Stories?
You can rewrite your stories explaining past events, but it may not always be easy. We have a lifetime of practice in our storytelling under stress and it’s lightning fast. Here are some suggestions on re-writing those stories.
Create Your Stress Examination Lab - Our minds go on automatic when under stress. So the best way to find a different response is to create your own controlled laboratory conditions where you can study the situation safely. You need to set up a situation without distractions where stress is minimal so you do not trigger the automatic response.
Use Good Examination Tools - You want to examine the scenarios that cause stress, slow them down, find the story you tell yourself between stimulus and response and determine how that story was created. Open questions are the best tools I know and a good open question is one that has you pause when you hear the question. You pause because there is no easy answer.
These open questions tend to fall into a few categories:
Noticing the Problem - Examples: What do you want? What’s holding you back? What do you notice when you are in that stressful situation?
Finding the story - Examples: Where are you when you feel stress? Where do you feel the stress? What’s the real challenge here for you? What made you choose this course of action? What’s important for you here?
Rewriting the story - Examples: What would you prefer to happen (in this situation)? How has your perspective changed? What is the most meaningful next step? Is there anything else? What new habits do you need to support the change?
The shorter and more simple the question, the more powerful it lands. However, it’s challenging to ask yourself these questions. You can’t be on both ends of the microscope. So I’ll share an approach next time that will help.
Stay human my friends,
Mark