take it so so
The first time I went for Arashi’s 5x20 tour was in December 2018 at Tokyo Dome. Fandom was in an all-time high, and the group seemed like they were planning for more overseas work in their 20th anniversary. I didn’t really believe they would go anywhere outside of the usual China/Korea route, and of course, Honolulu, but still. It’s been awhile since they even did that, the last time being Arashi Blast in Hawaii (2014). Despite only giving myself 5 years to devote to this group (being into any music group costs money!) when I got into the fandom back in 2010, after the concert that December, I had to admit to myself that I was in this bus for life.
[Arashi portrayed the fandom as being in a bus, on a journey together with them - we step in and out at different points in our lives. As for me, I’ve seen the bus pass by a few times since 1999, but only stepped into it in 2010.]
The 2018 concert felt both too much and not enough. I don’t know how to explain it - I guess it was too much in the sense that there’s so much history, so much love (of them, from them), just being in that crowd can be overwhelming. And it’s not enough, because I was thinking that hitting for tickets (that means winning the lottery to purchase them, to non-Jpop fans) was something that happens every 5+ years if you’re lucky, and I usually wasn’t. It might be my last concert in a long time, unless they really did go overseas, and I wanted traditional Arashi fare - the usage of latest tech (sometimes developed specifically for them) and the levels of performance/fanfare that you had to see to believe. Instead, the 2018 concert seemed pared down, simple. It was about the music, and the fans. Maybe that was why I felt the weight of all their history more strongly. It made sense, I guess, for an anniversary concert - for it to be a bit understated, a simple “this is us.”
In December the same year, they announced that there would be around 50 dates for the concert, so that every one of their 2 or so million fanclub members had a chance to go. Ticket balloting was only opened to members, which meant that fanclub membership suddenly shot up to 2.5 million… and all the added dates still meant that there are fanclub members that didn’t get to go.
In January 2019, Arashi announced that they were going on an indefinite hiatus. I think most of us fans knew that Oh-chan wasn’t happy, but we were still blindsided by it, because the five of them are always so much stronger together than apart. It does make sense, though, because this is just a hiatus from the work, and in a way, the fans, but they’re still supporting each other as usual now.
Anyway - I wanted to see them one final time before they went on hiatus, and thankfully hit the ballot again for May 2019’s concert at Sapporo Dome. It was still the same tour, so there wasn’t much difference from the 2018 show, and I thought I would get emotional and cry, but somehow I froze up instead. I enjoyed myself a lot - it is a MatsuJun production; not enjoying oneself is NOT an option - but I was feeling disassociated throughout most of it, not really feeling present at all. It felt like I was saying my goodbyes, somewhat. I remained in the fanclub when they decided to not to shut it down. I followed their activities from a distance as they made plans, and held our hands for the two years before hiatus. And boy, did they hold our hands.
They gave us everything. Social media presence, plans for international concerts, a Netflix documentary series, loads and loads of (Japanese) TV appearances and performances. They bought up full page ads in Asahi Shimbun to thank fans on a monthly basis. They made an app to share information and comments and pictures with us, and made a point to post regularly on IG story. They held an exhibition throughout Japan, they released new songs, they made sure to reiterate over and over that they’ll still be around in some form even when they go on hiatus. And when the pandemic hit, forcing them to cancel most of their plans (including all the international concerts), they told folk tales on YouTube to entertain kids, to help out parents (which most of their first fans now are) during lockdown. They released their full concerts for free, and did virtual concerts as well as live Q&As. They really went all-out.
By the time the hiatus came about, I was a lot less anxious about it, because of all the stuff they did. I was even able to let go, turning my attention to my other special interests, like X-Men and Blythe dolls and folklore, going back to them only when I needed them the most, blasting Energy Song or Kansha Kangeki Ame Arashi or Super Fresh at full volume on my earphones. I felt like… I was okay, even if I missed them.
When the Record of Memories movie was announced, I think I just thought I would download it when the DVD’s released. And it’s basically the 5x20 concert anyway, which I’ve seen, twice. I didn’t think it would ever reach Malaysian cinema, but it did. So I (kind of half-heartedly) made plans to watch it, more to see my Arashian friends again than anything else. I’m kind of too depressed and stressed for concerts these days. But (how many buts has it been now?) this movie took me by surprise.
Yes, it’s the 5x20 concert, just shot and cut and edited differently in order to give audiences the feeling of being there. Yes, I was actually there - maybe not on this exact date of filming (December 2019), but it was almost exactly the same as the two dates I attended. But this time, I cried. This time, I felt different (maybe), was a little more present, a little less outside my own body, because I was in a cinema with I don’t know how many people the TGV halls seat, instead of with 50,000 people and bright flashing lights in a stadium. This time, it really hit me that they’re gone. Yes, they’re still on their individual variety shows (sans Oh-chan), and doing dramas and movies and the news and all that. Yes, they’re talking about their recent hang outs and the funny things they said to each other. Yes, it’s been a year since the hiatus started and we haven’t run out of new things to buy - from tickets to events like this one, to DVDs of 2019-2020 concerts, to random merch on Johnny’s Online Shop. But I haven’t seen Arashi be Arashi in almost a year, and that realisation really hit me hard.
I miss them.
I’m probably going to continue burying my head in the sand, filling my time with my Marvel and folklore and Animal Crossing obsessions, pointedly ignoring their absence. But I’m not going to fool myself into thinking that I’ve stopped caring - I know that when the day comes, I will be among the millions waiting for them to come back, to look up from the bus that we never got off from, and say ‘おかえり’.
STAY SAFE!