red instead
I follow someone on IG who came up with these questions - they were meant for sharing on IG stories but I decided to answer them in one of my newsletters instead.
Favourite visual stim?
My bookshelves. I know that to some people they look cluttered and chaotic, but I have my own internal order for the books and seeing the “right” books on a shelf next to each other really soothes me.
But also, underwater scenes/whales (especially whale sharks, which I know are fishes and not actually whales ok) but er videos don't quite cut it for me and it's not like I can visit big aquariums all the time. When I was in the Kaiyukan, I felt like never leaving.
Oldest special interest?
I think it’s X-Men! It could possibly be fairy tales, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been obsessed with the X-Men cartoon and Claremont-era comics for a lot longer.
Best song to happy stim to?
I use audio more for anger/sadness/depression/anxiety when it comes to stimming, but I guess for Operation Ivy’s Sound System, or The Regrettes’ Come Through, which isn’t technically a happy song but it does the job! Oh and Mozart’s more upbeat piano sonatas.
Mozart's more upbeat piano sonatas are <3
Are you neurodivergent in other ways?
I have heavy anxiety, and depression. Although I know realise that a lot of this stem from masking all the time and not understanding that there are things that I just can’t and will never be able to deal with without getting really close to a total shutdown/meltdown - like taking a bus by myself. Honestly, acknowledging my anxiety and trying to work around it rather than trying to "cope" has been helping my depression a lot, and after self-diagnosing myself as autistic and learning to recognise my autistic traits and no longer trying to just cope is helping even more.
It's like... realising that me taking a bus (or being in a noisy office, or answering/making a phone call, etc.) feels more like someone with a sprained ankle running a marathon makes me beat myself up a lot less on days when I just couldn't, you know?
Favourite thing about being autistic?
I think this is more about knowing than being, but learning to not be so hard on myself for not being able to do things that are so easy for neurotypicals.
Do you have autistic relatives?
Yes.
Current special interests?
X-Men, Marvel Comics, MCU, mythology.
Which are basically all the same thing.
Favourite body stim?
Hair twirling/pulling, and finger tapping. When I was very young I used to flap my hands a bit and I loved to spin, but was basically beaten out of it. My family still try to shame me out of hair twirling/pulling and I was kind of trying to stop, until I self-diagnosed and realised I needed this.
Do you want to work with something related to your special interest?
Well, I kind of do now, I guess. But working in a comics store would be even nicer.
Are you speaking/semi speaking/ non speaking / hyper speaking?
Speaking. Although sometimes semi, and sometimes hyper.
Something you really struggle with?
…everything? I can’t even focus on one thing that is harder than others now, basically everything other than reading and writing is so hard for me.
There is this bit from Everything’s Gonna Be Okay that I related to so much, when Matilda said that Nick had always seemed fine, and Nick said, “yeah, I appear fine, but that’s because I put an embarrassing amount of work into camouflaging how confused I am, and how twitchy I am, and just generally stopping myself from behaving the way I want to behave, and I don’t know… I guess Alex was the first I let in close enough to see through that performance. And… I sort of, I thought everyone was doing as much work as me but it turns out no, it turns out that some people - well, actually most people - just know how to be.”
Favourite stim toy?
Honestly? I never had one. I even scoffed at fidget toys at some point because - er, I knew on an internal level that I really wanted them - but watching Everything's Gonna Be Okay made me realise just how much I touch my face (even in this pandemic), so I recently bought myself a face massager. And I am really really liking it. I also really like popping bubble wraps but who doesn't, right.
Something you experience as sensory hell?
I think anything that involves crowds, but especially a family gathering. I think because in a mall/event, I can leave or go to a washroom/somewhere quiet for awhile if leaving completely is not an option - which is what I do at work. And in a gathering with friends, so far no one seems to care if I end up spacing out due to sensory overload, and some friends are aware of my autism (or if not, they're aware of my general weirdness) and won’t mind if I leave for a quieter place for a bit. In fact, I just realised that my Arashian acquaintances accept that I will leave in the middle of a gathering (usually at my house because with a few rare exceptions I do not like going to other people's houses) and hide in my room with my cat on me for a few minutes - or even hours.
My family, though - they don’t just expect me to be physically present, I also need to be “on” all the time, which means constantly being bombarded with noise and smells and colours and everyone talking at once, and being pressured to socialise and even hug or salam people when I don’t want to be touched, I just can’t.
I think this is why I like to hang out with the kids (my nieces) more - they're kids and don't think you "have to" behave certain ways so I can just be myself, plus they don't make small talk and they'd rather chat about things that are actually interesting, or play video/board games together.
Do you have a service dog?
No. But holding or petting Ollie definitely helps with my anxiety attacks or when I have sensory overload. Unfortunately she and Enjin don't like to be held as much as Saru did, but at least they enjoy being petted and just being nearby and purring loudly, which also helps.
In which ways do you communicate?
Writing is always easier for me. I almost never find the right way to say what I want when speaking.
A comfort object?
I have a bantal busuk. I took it to the US with me when I left for college. And during the time I stayed in Tokyo for 3 months, I needed it so much I bought a puppy plushie exactly the size and shape of Saru, to tide me over. The puppy belongs to Rania now because she asked to have it when I got back.
Do you have a sensory space?
No. I always dreamed of a room with just a comfortable bed/couch with weighted blankets, and large screens that show videos of whale sharks swimming around (esp if the videos could be life-sized, since smaller ones don't do much for me, although that would require so many screens) and nothing but the sounds of the sea, though.
I am always torn about aquariums because I don’t think these animals belong in captivity, but also, the areas where you feel like you’re underwater feel amazing.
Oh, and. The title of this issue is from the hashtag #redinstead because even before I self-diagnosed, I've been iffy about Autism Speaks and their whole Light It Up Blue campaign. I'm definitely in team #RedInstead, and here are some reasons why.
Also: * 'Light It Up Blue'? Autistic Adults Suggest Red Instead * Wear #RedInstead On Autism Acceptance Day * What Is #RedInstead About?
That's it for this week - have a great weekend, and stay safe!