in which i suck at capitalism
Hello hello ~
This week I find myself all hollowed out and uninspired, so here's something from my October drafts:
During all the time I haven't been posting newsletters, I was keeping up with my monthly mini-zines. I guess both are pretty low-key endeavors, because all I do here is talk nonsense, but I think with like three readers total, I have more people reading my mini-zine? Lol.
(As if that's ever stopped me from doing newsletters before!)
Anyway for the October zine I was going to make this zine called YOU (KINDA) SUCK which was inspired by another perzine I saw online. But after planning the whole thing out I also felt like not participating in negativity during Libra season, so I threw that idea into my metaphorical bin and worked on the other thing that's been in the top three of my special interest lists of late - riot grrrl.
And so, it circles back to D&D. See, I was working on an adventure that starts with an NPC who's a total teen punk anarchist sort which meant that while making her playlists I delved into a lot of the stuff I loved at that age (with some newer stuff that I like now). And this made me listen to her playlist a LOT, and by now I've watched the The Punk Singer documentary twice, alongside half a dozen video essays (some on riot grrrl, some on Kathleen Hanna, some on queercore and the very queer history of punk music) and they're all bringing me back and giving me like a million zine ideas at once.
The October mini-zine that resulted in this captures none of it, because I think I probably need more time to process my thoughts, and also I need to do a proper half-sized zine rather than a mini-zine for this.
That was all I wrote before I gave up on this particular newsletter, but I guess I do have stuff to add now.
Lately I've been thinking about how atas this whole zine thing is these days, like something that was supposed to be anti-capitalist and made with as affordable and accessible as possible, are now syiok-sendiri products only to be consumed by the rich. (Don't get me wrong, my own zines pun syiok-sendiri, the difference is mine are usually free haha.) I mean, this is mostly a local thing, because I know a lot of amazing zines are still being made all over the world. I guess people just aren't that interested in reading zines here, so it's all about aesthetics? Or are Malaysians just hardcore capitalists, even when they pride on being indie or socialists? I suck at capitalism so I wouldn't know.
Those words, though they define me, weren't originally mine - at SDCC, I met with this dude from Silver Sprocket, a publisher that makes things that fills me with joy (the opposite of all the KL Art Book Fair stuff, which fills people, and by people I mean me, with the desire to consume), and he gave me and my colleague a few free stuff (and would've given more, except we insisted on paying), saying "I suck at capitalism". My colleague and I agreed with the sentiment because it was why we're booksellers, after all. I don't think anyone's in this line of work for the money.
The problem with having a million zine ideas floating around in my head at once is, it's too busy and I'm too busy, and there's no time for me to sit and just look at these ideas to see if any of them are worth pursuing. Because, capitalism.
A couple of months ago, we had a demo in the store for the Bansan game and I got roped in to play a round. I loved the game, as I love cleverly made tabletop games. And Bansan is a clever game. But I also sucked at it, in the sense that I know that I can play this ten times and not win once. Because, as I said back then, "I suck at capitalism". The creators insisted that the game isn't about capitalism, and while I agree that the gameplay supports this sentiment - it's about resource management, and cooperating with fellow players, all things I enjoyed - the goal of the game, to be the most successful stall, even at the expense of others (sabotaging is part of the game mechanics), is very capitalist. And I'm not good at that. And when I say this, I mean - I'm not good at caring about that.
I enjoy playing the other, more collaborative aspects of this game, and get annoyed when someone ends up tricking or sabotaging another player/stall owner to win because that isn't the point of the game for me, and rushing to end the game that way is just cutting everyone else's fun short(1), and games are meant to be fun for everyone at the table.(2)
I think this is part of why, even when I enjoy games like Bansan, I end up thinking about how to convert or incorporate them into D&D instead of playing them as is - because D&D is a cooperative, not competitive, game. And it's so easy to lose myself in the world of D&D homebrews, because these indie creators I've been following feel more similar to the zinesters I used to know when I was younger - especially creators like Philippa Mort(3), who wrote the adventure I ran last friendsgiving. Just reading her adventure while doing my DM prep was joyful. (I hope it was fun for my players, too, because I know that cozy games aren't for everyone. I wanted something lighthearted after the last two adventures we played.)
Anyway, this is to say, the local "zine scene" do not at all feel inclusive these days, but indie games fill me with joy the way the zines of old used to, and are inclusive af!
<3 Marin
(1)this may be just my opinion, because I'm sure lots of people love competitive game more than collaborative ones, otherwise there wouldn't be SO MANY!
(2)Also "games are meant to be fun for everyone at the table" is obviously me coming from a D&D-mentality - lots of games may not so fun unless you're winning. But I generally don't play those.
(3)I ended up buying one of her other supplements a second time that night, because I felt that she deserved some duit kopi after providing us with such a fun game. I also got another indie game, Cantrip, that I look forward to playing.
This is your weekly reminder to drink lots of water, eat your vegetables, and play some indie games!