if you want to we can sit outside / and talk about anything else
Hello hello ~
I was going to share another of the unfinished drafts in my folder, but I suddenly don't feel like it. I think it's partly because I'm in a cozy, cottagecore kind of mood right now, and the next post in my draft is a bit of a downer even if the topic was positive. (So I may talk about it a bit here, but I won't reuse the post.) The other reason is because I've barely slept this past week and it's catching up with me and I really don't have the mental energy.
Yesterday my dad shared a random link of a company that does vanity publishing. I guess he was thinking I could write and self-publish books or something? Which is something that would only happen if through some miracle I don't need to spend the majority of my days either in a mall with terrible too-bright lighting, or trapped in the horror that is local public transportation. (Public transportation in itself is a wonderful thing - it's when you add the local "I don't know what queuing means", "wearing backpacks in crowded trains is totally okay who cares if I hit everyone around me", "yes it is definitely more important that I enter the train before you could leave the train", "yes everyone must listen to this horrible youtube video I'm watching because I hate wearing earphones" etc. mentality that makes it a nightmare).
Well, if my mental energy isn't spent on self-regulation throughout all the overstimulation, I might write something, but I kind of doubt it'll be a novel or whatever it is my parents imagine I might write. These days, more than anything, I've been itching to write a game supplement or module for 5e, or my own short cozy game that can be released as a zine, but the amount of research and organisation that requires, I just don't have. With all the unwritten ideas in bouncing around in my head, I'm already barely sleeping as it is!
Anyway! Thanksgiving was last week, and the idea of being thankful or grateful to people and things actually ties in with one of my unfinished drafts, which was written during Venus retrograde in August, where I included this quote from the Chani newsletter: "Intimacy is the capacity to be weird with someone and find out that they love you for it. Freedom is committing to the people that adore you for being you."
Since I seem to have even less mental energy than usual these days, I especially appreciate and love the people I don't have to mask (as much) around. There really is a kind of dreedom that comes from getting to know yourself better, and allowing yourself to just be who you are.
It's like, I still get anxious and stressed out, and I still have extremely limited energy. I still sometimes overestimate the amount of energy I had, causing full shutdowns or really bad moments of disassociation. But knowing these things for what they are, and knowing the possible causes really help. Sometimes, it even helps me fix things. I mean, this doesn't always work - sometimes I know that I'm overstimulated and need to take a walk, or a nap, but I'm also too drained or tied up at work and can't do what I need to do. But when this happens, I'm getting better at letting this be, too. Not great. Just - better.
Which, you know, is pretty good, considering.
Sure, there are drawbacks. Understanding my limits mean saying "no" more often that I'd like - sometimes I really do want to hang out with a friend, but I know I have to say no because I'm already too drained, especially if it's not a person I can unmask around. Or I'd really really want to do an event at work but just can't say yes to it because I know I'm not currently able to pull it off without extreme burn out. It's frustrating, lacking a resource that others never seem to run out of. But at the same time, it's... liberating to know that some of the people I share myself with turn out to be awesome?
It's surprising, and it's kind of wonderful. Like, recently people I am not super close to, but feel safe enough around, have DMed me asking me if calling me by my birth name is still okay, or if it's a deadnaming situation. (To clarify: I use both names, it's absolutely not a deadname sitch, although my preferred name is on my socials and I will love you more if you use it.) I met up with a friend who moved away awhile back, and he was immediately using my correct name and pronouns - this kind of effort was super touching. And perhaps the sweetest of all, a stranger (ok we are not complete strangers; we are at the recognise-each-other's-names-in-comment-sections level of parasocial relationship) DMed me to say they noticed the change of name and pronouns on my account and wanted to congratulate me for new discoveries.
To all of you lovely people, and everyone else making an effort*, I am ever so grateful, because the world needs more people like you.
<3 Marin
- I don't mean for me, despite my examples. I mean making an effort to be kind to anyone in your lives, and especially to yourselves.
The title is from "Try To Be Hopeful", a song by The Spook School.
Drink more water!