have i missed a fundamental social cue again, or is this pretty weird?
I watch a lot of YouTube these days. I watch reaction videos of episodic shows - especially for Haikyuu!! and anything from the MCU - and I watch meme/reddit reaction videos, and Animal Crossing clips, and random video essays. A few months ago, I watched this video essay about autistic-coded characters and the depiction of autism in media, which mentioned Everything’s Gonna Be Okay as a much better alternative to Netflix’s Atypical.
The thing is, I couldn’t even finish watching the trailer for Atypical (and hey, I actually loved The Big Bang Theory) so this is kind of a low bar for me - low enough that I normally wouldn’t bother seeking it out, except that it’s made by Josh Thomas, and I loved what I’ve seen of his series Please Like Me.
I don’t know if Everything’s Gonna Be Okay is for everyone, but it definitely is for me. The funny thing is when I started watching, and despite the fact that there were three characters with autism (Matilda, and her two best friends) and the fact that each of them have characteristics I identify with or at least really understand, it was Nick (Matilda’s older brother, played by Josh Thomas) that I related to the most. Most of the reviews I’ve read, (and watched on YouTube) state that he’s their least favourite bit about this series, because he’s so annoying, and maybe he is (he definitely is), but I relate to that? And it’s not like I’m not aware that I myself am annoying, especially when I’m behaving how I want to/how I feel instead of acting like an NT. So it was really interesting for me to read - and later discover in season 2 - that Josh Thomas himself, and Nick the character, discover that they’re autistic.
I’ve been reading a lot on masking lately. A few articles, sure, but more importantly, actual experiences of people on the spectrum, in forums, as webcomics, and on sites like Quora. I feel like the more I listen to them, and feel some of the stuff they’re saying for myself, the more I fully realise their discomfort with groups like Autism Speaks on another level. Like, I know that this group is problematic in the sense that they focus on finding a cure to promoting acceptance, and so on. But in real life conversations, and in some comments made by NTs to those whose experiences I’ve been reading, NTs seem to see masking as “coping” or “doing well.” To me, at least, being told that I can make small talk or take the bus or any of the shit that takes an enormous amount of effort to do, just because I can probably do it “if I really tried”, feels like complimenting someone with an eating disorder for being skinny.
Masking is unhealthy, and most NTs don’t understand just how much it hurts - all they see is the fact that we can “act normal”, and that’s all that matters to them.
Nick from Everything’s Gonna Be Okay is like me in the sense that he masks well enough that he doesn’t learn that he’s autistic until he’s an adult - and even then, it is because of his relationship with Alex, during which he made the “mistake” of unmasking due to the fact that he loves Alex and feels comfortable with him. Meaning: he stopped saying meaningless words that NTs somehow expect, like “how are you” or “would you like some water” or “how was your day”, because like me, he probably believes that people can just SAY they want water or tell others about their day without being prompted, it doesn’t make any sense to have to ask first. Of course, being NT, Alex interpreted this as Nick no longer being interested in him (when in fact it’s the complete opposite) and dumped Nick. It was this complete disconnect that caused a friend to ask Nick if he’d ever thought that he was autistic.
I have to say that this moment was extremely revelatory for me.
I only recently self-diagnosed, but I’ve always known myself to be a bit odd, because it always felt like other people were talking in a language I didn’t know, or read some manual on how to be that was somehow never handed to me. In college, I thought of it as simply “being a dork.” Because that was basically what one of my lecturers, and the people I thought of as my friends called me. See, I got close enough to them to feel comfortable (big mistake), and I stopped masking. And for me, not masking meant going on and on and on about my special interests - which, at the time, were various fantasy books and manga and zines and punk music. This was back when it was terribly uncool to sincerely like anything, or we were at an age where it was uncool to be anything but cynically detached, and of course, I didn’t quite get the memo. (I mean, I kind of got that hating everything was “cool”, but I was an autistic young adult who was very obsessed with her special interests and wanted to share that with people I cared about.) Anyway, skipping to the end - my friends ended up dumping me by plain pretending I didn’t exist (ghost grrrl, remember?) because I was just too much of a dork, I guess.
Even now, most of the times I’ve had friends be upset with me, it’s because of something I didn’t understand (like Nick and Alex’s miscommunication, but not about the same thing) or other ways I’ve stopped masking around them making me especially annoying to them. I guess watching this scene was kind of an aha! moment for me, because… I didn’t fully realise how differently NT brains work, until recently.
This isn’t a sad story. It’s just something important that I learned about myself. When Nick got a diagnosis (something I wasn’t sure he ought to do, but that’s another story to be told another time) and Alex found out about it, Alex wanted to try again. Another miscommunication happened - Alex, realising that Nick actually cared and just didn’t show it the same way NTs do, asked to get back together, but worded his intentions wrongly. Nick, hearing Alex’s words, thought that Alex expected him to “be better” (aka mask to make Alex feel better), did not want to be with anyone who didn’t want to be with the real him. Season 2 ended with their relationship kind of unresolved, and I’d like to think that if there was a third season, the two might overcome this new misunderstanding and actually get back together.
Nick rejected Alex, saying that both of them deserved to be with a person who didn’t require them to be someone they’re not. And I really like that.
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Stay safe!