but i'm good at being uncomfortable, so
The other day I was reading autism memes and saw a thread about how a lot of autistic people can easily fail the online tests (and honestly, I had to do a LOT of thinking before I figured out what they were really asking and what my honest answer ought to be) - because they might ask something like "do you find it difficult to put on socks daily" (not an actual test question) and many people, myself included, would answer NO because of course it's not difficult, we've lived long enough to come up with solutions to the problem and ways to trick our brains into doing the thing and... many of us don't realise is that's exactly what the question wants to know, because we don't realise that neurotypical folks don't have to find solutions or trick their brains to do the thing, they just DO it. (Like... how???)
I was thinking about this this morning, because I waded through a shallow flood on the way to the bus stop, and then while the extremely cold AC in the bus kind of made my trousers slightly-damp-but-not-quite-wet-anymore, my socks and shoes were still Very Wet, and I was telling some friends (on whatsapp and irl) about this matter-of-factly and the reactions were like why don't you go and buy new socks now, and so on. And, well, I don't really have that kind of money for one, and the dampness of my shoes will just make my new socks kind of damp too, and I definitely do not have money to buy new shoes as well as socks, my current shoes are hand-me-downs and I've been wearing them for three plus years and I will probably be wearing them until my mother semi-wears out another pair that she would then hand over to me because one pair of shoes is like two weeks worth of food at least? I can't fast for that many days, lol. But yeah, I'm getting off topic.
Yes, it's uncomfortable to be wearing wet socks and shoes and damp trousers and having rain-frizzy hair, but it's no less uncomfortable than mall lights and office noise and being constantly surrounded by people and having to wear bras and having a metallic pair of glasses on my face and having to get on a bus or train and all the many, many sensory nightmares I go through on a daily basis. And it's not just sensory stuff - there's all the gender stuff on top of that, because on some days being referred to as female makes me more dysphoric than others, and on some days even wearing bras or other female-indicators brings my Sims mood bar thing to bright red.
I am uncomfortable all the time, to the point where damp socks and shoes are actually the least of it. And sometimes neurotypicals' reactions remind me that all these things that make me deeply uncomfortable are at the most slight inconveniences to them, and I wonder at the amount of energy they save from not having to mask their discomfort all the time. I mean I can't even imagine going through a day without feeling deeply uncomfortable. Well, I sort of can I guess - not a whole day, that's probably impossible even for NTs, but I do spend longer stretches of not being uncomfortable in Tokyo. (Other parts of Japan I've been to can be better than here for sure, but they're sometimes louder than Tokyo, especially in areas where people are less careful about bother other people in public.)
Anyway, from seeing people's NYCC posts on IG last week and seeing people's "heading to Frankfurt" posts this week, I'm feeling generally grumpy. I'm attributing it to those things but really it's probably the fact that I haven't had a single afternoon to just be home with my books and properly recharge. Even though I did set aside a bit of time to sort my single issues on my birthday (yay), it was just like a couple of hours after work, and going back early enough to do that cost me enough that I had to suffer worse bus/train hours the following week, so I'm more drained than ever now. All I can think of is cataloging books and writing postcards! I haven't even played any Cozy Grove, or did any basic journaling, this past week. Last month I was starting on two separate zine projects, which I ended up having to abandon due to being too tired at the end (and beginning) of every day to continue either of them.
By the time this email is sent out I'll be in Penang, and while I guess I'm looking forward to time off work, I'm also dreading the drive there, and the crowd, and having to be "on" (meaning: more masking) for the whole weekend, and spending an entire 2.5 days or so in a room/apartment with no books or cats or anything comforting like that to recharge with. Why did I agree to this again? Well, I do enjoy going places... generally. It just also takes so much energy from me and I have none to give right now. And it's not like I'm not expecting to have fun. I'm looking forward to writing postcards in the morning and being able to write at least a line in my journal, who knows, eating three meals a day even, maybe? I'm just not ignoring the fact that besides fun there will be lots of: << discomfort intensifies >>. Which is something I should be used to by now anyway, so it's like whatever.
Anyway! Have a good weekend, ignore that I have the grumps, maybe I just need to eat, who knows? Stay safe, drinks lots of water, enjoy the fact that very wet socks and shoes is not even the worst thing or in the top 5 worst things (does it even make the top 10?) about today! Oh wait, that last part is just me, lol.
This newsletter's subject is a line from Fiona Apple's "Extraordinary Machine" which is probably my favourite Fiona Apple song that is not from the When the Pawn... album.