this is 50
[Alt text: A photo of Meryl Streep and someone else in nun-like costumes, from a movie I know I've seen but can't remember the title of, with the caption "Irish music is just Catholic ska."]
Yesterday was my 50th birthday.*
I do not know how to process that big ugly number.
If I think about it too much, about how I am old enough to have grandchildren and even great-grandchildren, about how I am more than halfway to the grave, about how I have failed to accomplish the things I was “supposed” to accomplish (advanced degree, marriage, children, prestigious job titles, etc.), I get overwhelmed with anxiety about The Meaning Of Life, and that’s a topic for therapy, not these emails.
Instead, here’s a list of 50 things I know to be true – about myself and the world in general. In no particular order.
If you’re trying to figure something out, but struggling, you will find the answer on your own – immediately after you ask someone else for help. So the sooner you ask (and then say “never mind!”), the sooner you can get on with it.
You cannot change or fix another person’s attitudes or behaviors. You can only adjust your own. Sometimes that means creating a huge amount of space between you and that other person.
If you are very good at your job, your reward will be more work.
99% of the stuff in your home is useless and has no intrinsic value. Even if it’s pretty.
Dogs are better than people. OK fine: Most dogs are better than people.
Humans are at once good and evil. Capable of both great kindness and extreme cruelty. The real work is to repress the evil and develop more of the good.
But sometimes you might agree with an evil person.
The best way to treat clinical depression is with medication. The best way to treat anxiety is with time in nature, time with your friends, time with animals, live music, and cardio activity.
Sometimes no amount of drugs, trees, friends, dogs, music, or exercise helps, and you have to go to bed until whatever hormonal wave passes and you are ready to face the world again.
The third beer or glass of wine is always a mistake.
Sometimes it’s good to have low standards for minor things. Like coffee. Once you get used to the really fancy stuff, you become a difficult-to-please snob.
Morning pages help. A lot.
The most trustworthy people are the ones who curse a lot.
The company you work for does not care about you; you are expendable, a cog in a machine. Especially if it is a publicly traded company. You can still enjoy the job and your coworkers, though – as long as you don’t care too much about the end product.
If you are of a certain age, and YouTube/social media did not exist when you were in your teens and 20s, you need to remember and appreciate that fact – at minimum on a quarterly basis.
Life is too short to do your own fucking taxes. Or plumbing. Or car repair. Unless you went to a school that actually taught you how to do that shit. In which case, I’m jealous.
There are no dumb questions.
Sometimes the universe is trying to tell you something. In threes. Like making your home fall apart while you’re carrying an entire family’s load of elder care, and then sending you to the ER for emergency surgery. Listen to what it’s telling you. And GET OUT.
Never, ever trust a real estate agent.
Or your HR department. They are there to protect the company and your manager, not you.
You can be happy that someone you care about is happy, without liking the person who makes them happy.
You cannot take care of anyone or anything unless and until you take care of yourself.
The getting-there part of travel sucks ass. But the destination is usually worth it.
It’s important to take little risks and regularly step outside your comfort zone. 90% of the time, you will be glad you did.
When you finally find the pants or shoes that fit you perfectly, buy backup pairs.
Real life is always weirder than what you see on TV.
People who always pose for photos with their hands on their hips should have to be buried that way. Even if it means a wider casket.
If you can’t explain your job in one breath, and in plain language, chances are your job is not important.
90% of social media posts are people marketing themselves/seeking attention (and can be ignored).
Carbs make you fart.
Spending a hundred dollars on a gift for someone else is far more satisfying than spending ten bucks on yourself.
If your lower back hurts, there’s a good chance it’s because the backs of your legs are tight. For fucksake, stretch that shit. You’ll feel so much better.
Percale > sateen.
If you have to move, and movers are packing your stuff, pay attention. Watch how they take apart the Peloton. And maybe wrap that open box of kosher salt in a plastic bag so you don’t have an unholy mess to clean up on the other end.
You may hate that photo of you right now, but in 10 years you’ll look at it and think, “Huh, I was actually OK looking. What was I worried about?”
I’m sure there’s more, but I’m starting to fade. (I should really call this thing Abandoned First Drafts.) What am I missing? Let’s get this bitch up to 50. You can reply to this email and as always, anything I share will be anonymous.
Links
Awesome LEGO set of Zelenskyy and molotov cocktails. (My Modern Met)
Speaking of LEGOs, this Vespa kit looks amazing. (LEGO)
And apparently Zelenskyy wasn't actually dancing to Beyoncé in the link from last week. Here's the original. (YouTube)
I don't have IBS, but this article is so good, writing- and substance-wise. It sounds like if the doctor says you have IBS, if could be something called SIBO that is totally treatable. (The Cut)
My friend J got me this awesome wine glass. (Amazon)
I love that they're seizing the Russian oligarchs' yachts. (TPM)
My biggest tour memory of Tübingen was a show where the overall "vibe" was weirdly hostile. (The foosball game behind the merch table devolved into a contact sport, and the saxophone player had to rescue me after the band finished their set.) But I guess it's a magical place for vegans. (BBC)
A collection of tweets that may resonate with female readers. (Sad and Useless)
Raunchy headline made me laugh. (Onion)
* I celebrated it over the weekend with four of my oldest friends. We sat around my place and drank champagne and ate from an overpriced cheese platter and talked shit and took a nice selfie on the roof and really, it was perfect.