there's a cream for that
[Alt text: A tree ornament that looks like a Dr. Martens boot]
Last week, my doctor suggested I start using vaginal estrogen. Because I'm a dried up old maid who can't face her age and mortality head-on, I had to write a long joke about it. Part of me thinks I should include a warning for male readers, but you know what, suck it up, because there's a pretty good chance women in your lives are having similar experiences.
Introducing YONI-GENA
Have your hot flashes become more tolerable lately? Your mood swings less violent? Your energy levels more stable? Did you fool yourself into thinking you'd navigated the menopausal transition with a certain amount of dignity and grace?
Introducing YONI-GENA, a topical cream that works on problems you didn't even know you had. YONI-GENA delivers estrogen the old-fashioned way, right up the hoo-ha, to fix what the lady blogs euphemistically call dryness, and what your gyno calls atrophy.
"Since I started YONI-GENA, sex is a lot more fun. Now I can really entertain the pool boy while my husband's at work." — Brandi, age 54.
Has your annual gyno exam become so incredibly painful, you wonder if the doctor is using a speculum built for a rhino or a whale? As you dig your nails into your arms to distract yourself from the pain down there, do you almost wish you'd had children, because that might have hurt less, or at least stretched you out?
Ask your doctor about YONI-GENA. Nine out of ten vaginologists recommend YONI-GENA because they're getting kickbacks from the manufacturer. Plus there haven't been any studies showing a direct link between YONI-GENA and immediate death. Yet.
"YONI-GENA saved my life. I know it's only for vaginal use, but I also use it as a face cream, and sometimes even put it on toast. It's so much cheaper and easier than Botox, and my wrinkles have disappeared!" — Esther, age 76.
Do you not have enough products on your bedside table? Do you need another bedtime ritual? Do you remember how to use a tampon?
YONI-GENA is for you. For just four low payments of $29.99, you can solve all your post-menopausal problems in the comfort of your own home.
Just call 1-800-FIX-MY-VAG, and we'll send you a month's supply of YONI-GENA, along with a free pair of our patent-pending stain-resistant granny panties. And if you call in the next hour, we'll include a free AARP membership, a brochure for retirement homes run by private equity firms, a handlebar for your shower, a LifeAlert device, and a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for plots at your local cemetery or ceramic urns handmade by Brooklyn artisans.
“I can’t recommend this product enough. Once my patients start taking YONI-GENA, I can finally pry their parts open far enough to do my job. Plus I don’t have to worry about them queefing dust on my face.” — Dr. Gyno, age 50.
But wait, there's more!
YONI-GENA has also been clinically proven to help with incontinence. Not incontinent yet? Don't worry, you will be soon! And with YONI-GENA, you'll be less likely to piss your pants in public whenever you laugh, cough, or sneeze.
Don't delay. Order YONI-GENA today. Call 1-800-DEATHS-DOOR. Time is running out! Fix your vagina today. Operators are standing by. Call 1-800-FUCK-EVERYTHING and don't miss out on this special offer. **
Links
How the Fantastic Four took Double Dutch to new heights. (NPR)
The seven levels of "busy." (Rands In Repose)
Who said it: Kanye or Hitler? (YouTube)
The Eve 6 guy's first advice column in a while. He should really become a therapist. (Buzzfeed)
"A sufficient wardrobe consists of 74 garments and 20 outfits in total." (Vogue)
If you have long hair and it always clogs your shower drain, I can vouch for this thing. I wish I'd gotten it years ago. (Tubshroom)
Guy who did original mastering on album guesses he will just go fuck himself. (Hard Times)
** Side effects of YONI-GENA may include heart attack, stroke, blood clots, dementia, breast cancer, uterine cancer, ovarian cancer, high blood pressure, liver problems, fibroids, breast lumps, headaches, shortness of breath, swollen tongue, hair loss, breast pain, abdominal cramps, burning, itching, and an overwhelming desire to punch Awkwafina in the face.