Team Tunde
(since I can't figure out how to add alt text: This is a photo of a Russian spider brooch, with ruby eyes, green enamel, and diamond and sapphire legs.)
Back in July I rode a Peloton in a hotel gym, mainly to see what all the hype was about. It didn’t take long for me to get it — the instructor was so engaging that the 30 minutes felt like five. It took another few months for me to break up with my shitty gym and convince myself that I deserved to own a $2000 piece of exercise equipment. I pulled the trigger the day I got back from the East Coast. The bike showed up two days later, and this morning I completed my fourth introductory ride.
I have some questions.
Does anyone remember the episode of Roseanne where the family becomes aware that the boy is masturbating all the time? (I could probably tell you the plot of every single Roseanne and Golden Girls episode because every Saturday and Sunday my grandmother sleeps through six-hour blocks of those shows, and there is no place in the house to escape from the noise of that evil television.) At the end of the episode, father and son are in the garage, and the father is trying to explain to the boy that “everyone does it.” The boy asks his father, “How often do you do it?” and the father replies, “Everyone does it, but no one talks about it.”
Does the same thing apply to Peloton? Over the last month or two, every time I’ve said “I’m thinking about getting a Peloton” or “I’m going to order a Peloton when I get back,” the response has been, “Oh I have one; I love it.” It seems like everyone owns a Peloton, but no one talks about it — unless you bring it up first. (I swear it’s the same way with anti-depressants. The second I mention my meds, people tell me what they’re taking.) Is there some kind of Fight Club rule here? Is it gauche to mention you own something that costs so much money? Or is a Peloton something like the Instant Pot — useful, trendy, and so ubiquitous that it’s almost no big deal anymore?
Also, how are the instructors sweating so much during a 20-minute beginner ride when I’m not even working that hard? Is someone off camera spritzing them?
I’ve learned that Peloton People have strong opinions about the instructors. (So far the only one I really like is Tunde. Her enthusiasm appears genuine, and she seems like someone I’d enjoy hanging out with IRL. Alex... spent too much time in the military. That kind of aggro “motivation” is why I quit going to the local boxing gym. Emma was annoying and forgettable, and Jess is what many in San Francisco would call a Marina chick, which is not a compliment.)
Tunde’s great, but I want celebrity instructors too. Why can’t I have Ali Wong teaching a class, cussing her face off and using the foulest language imaginable to describe what the seat is doing to her post-natal vagina? Or Henry Rollins psyching himself up to pedal harder by talking about Republicans and other things he hates? I want a menu of on-demand instructors, priced by popularity, like Cameo but for Peloton. The co-branding opportunities here are huge, right?
But my biggest question so far is this: How long until my ass doesn’t hurt from that seat? And if it’s more than a few weeks, can you recommend some inexpensive padded bike shorts?
(As usual, you can reply directly to this email and anything I share will be anonymous.)
Links
Facebook banned me for life because I created the tool Unfollow Everything. (Slate)
Substack failed to register a URL. It allowed me to receive their private emails. (Mashable)
Hanif Abdurraqib on what it was like to work at a chain bookstore. (LitHub)
Apostrophes are important. (Boing Boing)
This dude better get his bass back. (NYT)
Why recipes open with dissertations. (TikTok)
This Tesla is a mess. (Digg)
I wrote a little thing about my never-ending handbag search. (TueNight)
Anyone else obsessed with Succession, specifically these two? (Twitter)
If alcohol ruins families, why is mine only tolerable when I’m drunk? (Hard Times)
Go bags of the stars. (New Yorker)
A 1980 performance of “Whine & Grine/Stand Down Margaret.” (Instagram)
The test email function appears to be broken in Buttondown and I'm headed out to my first indoor show since the before times, so I'm hitting send blindly. Apologies if this arrives looking like hell.
Will this thing let me embed gifs???
