semantic hairsplitting
Is anyone else's calendar exploding like it's mid-December, with back-to-back appointments, commitments, and even social things? Is this what life was like before the pandemic hit? I can't remember. Maybe we're all just trying to make up for lost time. Banging this out with little proofing because I'm rushing to yet another thing. Calgon do you thing.
If you're on TikTok, you're already familiar with the many "corners" of the platform. They're usually called (Subject)Toks. Examples: BookTok, CleanTok, DogTok, CarTok. Lately I've found myself in RelationshipTok (among other SubjectToks), thanks to Tisia X’iare Vere. (TikTok) Her videos are gentle, big-sister real talk about how and why straight women delude themselves about men and situationships. She seems like the kind of person every woman needs in her friend group.
But the video that stuck with me —— that I wish I had saved and can no longer find —— is a warning about female friendships, how to avoid confusing "personality" with "character." For example, you may like another woman's personality because she compliments your outfit, makes you laugh, seems like a ton of fun. But you might not like her character. I think the example she used was "that woman might sleep with your man."
I've been thinking about this semantic hairsplitting for days. (And no, I don't smoke weed.)
The video wasn't long enough to provide full definitions for each word. It simply described behavior. What people say (personality) vs. what they do (character).
There are other ways to slice & dice it. Using an iceberg metaphor, for example. Personality may be the bit you can see, while character is the big stuff below the water that you risk crashing your cruise ship into.
Or "on" vs. "off." Which, really, is the same thing as Erving Goffman's front stage vs. back stage behavior. (Wikipedia) I'm often drawn to extroverted, charming people who are the life of the party because I want to find their "off" switch, to see what's backstage. I met two different dudes in my 20s, both extremely magnetic and entertaining in "on" mode, but I only became good friends with them once I got to know and like them in "off" mode.
Or take it one step further: Online vs. offline. How many people do you know whose Instagram personalities are quite different from who they are IRL?
Now I'm thinking about all my past and present relationships —— family, friends, work, romantic —— through these lenses of say/do, surface/depth, and on/off. About how hard it is when I like someone's personality, but sense red flags about their character. Or the reverse: Tolerating someone's not-great personality because I know, underneath, their character is good. And how the best relationships I have are the ones where we have similar characters, but wildly different personalities that somehow complement each other.
We've all taken online personality tests. Now I'm trying to imagine what an online character test would ask.
I hope I'd like my results.
Links
How and why most sweaters are trash now. One more reason to buy vintage. (Atlantic)
"There are only the ghosted, the ghosting, the busy and the tired." Mariah Kreutter on what it means to “reply” in 2023. (Dirt)
Terrible headline but very well-written story about the music festival I went to a couple weeks ago. (Spin)
My friend made this one-pan farro dish last night and it was so, so good. (Smitten Kitchen)
That FEMA cell phone alert caused problems for Amish people with cell phones. This is probably a dumb question: If people had just turned their phones off completely, wouldn't that have prevented the problem? (My Modern Met)
Several blogs are talking about this stained glass smash game, and it looks awesome but I can't figure out how to make it work, on desktop or phone. It's 100% possible the problem is my lack of patience. (Funwebsite)
My new band name is Glitterpits. (Sad and Useless)
How it started/how it's going: Golden retriever edition. (Instagram)