radically candid
[Alt text: A jigsaw puzzle box. The cover image shows a variety of colorful vintage neckties.]
After complaining last week about all the junk email I've been getting, it just… stopped coming. No more offensive offers for products and services I don’t want or need. Check me out, MANIFESTING my best life over here.
Radical Candor
On page 142 of Raven Leilani’s Luster, one character says about her parents: "It’s this thing they learned in therapy — Radical Candor… It’s an axis. There’s also Ruinous Empathy, Manipulative Insincerity, and Obnoxious Aggression."
(Anyone need a band name?)
Google tells me these phrases are from Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity, a management book published 6 years ago. Here are the descriptions of each management approach**:
Radical Candor really just means saying what you think while also giving a damn about the person you’re saying it to.
Obnoxious Aggression, also called brutal honesty or front stabbing, is what happens when you challenge someone directly, but don’t show you care about them personally.
Ruinous Empathy is what happens when you want to spare someone’s short-term feelings, so you don’t tell them something they need to know.
Manipulative Insincerity is praise that is insincere, flattery to a person’s face and harsh criticism behind their back.
Management books are trash. People like to brand themselves as Thought Leaders, come up with new buzzwords, turn that mess into a TED talk, and then, if they're lucky, score a book deal and offer online courses so they can cash in and quit their management jobs. The books don't solve problems in actual workplaces, because people get promoted for the wrong reasons, receive zero middle management training, and then are first in line for the layoffs that happen every December.
Still, this little axis is a fun way to think about other relationships. In one part of my family, any Radical Candor is interpreted as Obnoxious Aggression, and there's always hell to pay. So we retreat to Ruinous Empathy until we think it might be safe to try Radical Candor again. It never is. Or, we lead with Manipulative Insincerity, get a Radically Candid response, which triggers Obnoxious Aggression, and then it's back to the Insincerity and can you pass the wine, please?
My closest friends and I are Radically Candid with each other. Or maybe it's Radically Harsh. We call bullshit on each other so fast. Or remind a friend, "that's not what you said in 1992." Or make relentless fun of each other for personality flaws and previous bad decisions. I'm not saying this is normal or healthy but it works for us. Our love language is... insults? I dunno. I'm grateful for it though. If Radical Candor is difficult to achieve in a family setting, I at least have it with my friends, no matter how many people overhear us on the street and look at us funny.
This may be a stretch (I'm still thinking about it): One reason I love TikTok so much is because people are being radically candid. Not because they care about me per se. It's more like, "I'm making this video about something that is true, relatable, and really funny. With no filter." Some examples, all from TikTok, many of which have cursing. Apologies if you've seen these already.
Me a couple weeks ago.
It’s not OCD.
Baking is hard.
F this driveway and that palm tree.
For anyone who thinks German is a gentle language.
I cried laughing at this guy’s story about his car problems.
Music at white clubs.
You don’t need to go to 7-11.
Don’t buy pleather pants from Target.
Depressed drag queen.
And this bear, just because.
Links
Woke up to news of yet another obscenely premature cancer death in SF: Cindy Chi, who I knew socially a long time ago. One of those warm and funny and insanely talented people who could have had a hell of a music career. Listening to this doesn't do her justice. She was amazing on stage. (Reverbnation)
Scaachi Koul's year in stupid tattoos. (Hazlitt)
I'm making the City Cast DC podcast part of my morning routine. The hosts have great chemistry, and today's episode about "Is DC part of the South?" was especially good. There seem to be similar podcasts for other cities too. (Citycast)
Vivienne Westwood accurately predicted the future of fashion 25 years ago. (Twitter)
An online quiz that tests how strong your relationships are. (NYT)
Shocking: Study finds more organs available for donation and transplant after major motorcycle rallies. (Boing Boing)
A history professor with only 139 Twitter followers called Elon Musk "bologna face" — and got banned. His story is funny. But so much for "free speech." (Salon)
Airlines are liars and I'm buying Airtags. (CNN)
Republican House Majority BINGO. (McSweeneys)
In which Dan Savage lives up to his name. (Twitter)
Baby elephants are ridiculous. (Sad and Useless)
**Copied and pasted from this site. (Radical Candor)