on stigma and opting out
Over the last week I have spent hours on TikTok watching videos about the 4B movement. (Service 95)
This is a movement where straight Korean women are refusing to date men, have sex with men, get married to men, or have children. (Each phrase starts with a "b" sound in Korean.) It is a response to widespread sexual assault, sexual harassment, revenge porn, domestic violence, patriarchal beauty standards, and more. These women are essentially boycotting men. (Elle) And yes, this is making the birth rate decline even further. (The Cut)
On TikTok, many American women are like "Yes, sign me up!" or "I've been doing that for years without knowing this was a whole movement."
On TikTok, many American men, of course, are threatened and angry. Saying things like "you ladies are just going to have to settle" or "what if we start our own movement to ignore you?" And women are laughing at them. Because they no longer need men. They can pay their bills on their own, maintain their freedom, and be quite happy without having men "disrupt their peace."
I'm here for all of it, even though as a 52-year-old woman, society says I am dried up and invisible; my opinion doesn't count.
I'm here for it in spite of the stigma attached. When a man my age lives alone with no girlfriend or wife, he can brag about living the "bachelor life" and be celebrated for it. But a woman my age, living alone with no boyfriend or husband? There must be something wrong with me, right?? Last year, I don't remember what I said to a bachelor my age, but he told me, "You sound like a woman who has been living alone for a long time." His almost pitying tone made it clear this was not a compliment.
I'm here for it in hindsight, too. I don't regret my serious relationships. They were — are — good people. The single years since then, though? I used to think something was wrong with me because the only men who approached me were repulsive, because I'd look around at shows or bars or events and think "nope, none of these men are attractive or look even remotely interesting." In hindsight, maybe it was partly because I didn't need a man. I had a good salary, a place of my own, the world's best dog, and no desire to have kids. Plus many of my married/partnered female friends seemed unhappy and resigned in their relationships, especially once they had kids. What was a man going to add to my life other than conflict and compromise?
Oh right, lower taxes. And 50% of the rent.
I'm not a total misandrist. If someone appealing comes along, someone who wants to build a life with me rather than just consume me, I'm open to it. And if that never happens, that's fine too. I can pursue my dream of a Golden Girls-style old lady commune where we drive each other to our colonoscopy appointments, enjoy weekly happy hours, borrow each other's caftans, and fight over the remote.
Links
I've had a few people email me asking where they can donate in Jacob's name. His parents chose Enduring Hearts in part because Jacob had a heart transplant when he was five months old. Also: For family friends who didn't get the Evite, the celebration of life event is May 5 in Wheaton. Message me for more info. (Nonprofit site)
The forgotten trans history of the first Beastie Boys record. There's a Bad Brains connection in here too. (Boing Boing)
"Breathe and squeeze" to deal with your fear of flying. (NYT)
Photos from the Mrs. Roper Bar Crawl in the Castro. Sometimes I miss SF. (Bold Italic)
But there are still things I don't miss. (Instagram)
"Crazy how the very first sin was a woman who ate." (YouTube)
That had to hurt but I still laughed. (TikTok)
Supreme Court expands access to roofies. (Onion)