linguistic confusion
Glamour-dot-com has a semi-regular feature called "I Can't Stop Thinking About _____" where the writer (or AI tool) barfs out 500 words of SEO nonsense about a tiny element of a larger pop culture trend. Examples include: "I can't stop thinking about Shiv Roy's messy bun at her brother's wedding" (a reference to HBO's Succession) and "I can't stop thinking about how Ali Wong's character was written for a white man" (a reference to a new Netflix show).
My can't-stop-thinking-abouts are a bit... different, and take me to some unexpected places.
Case in point: A couple weeks ago I stumbled across this TikTok video in which a young, disaffected-looking woman rattles off the following, at rapid speed, in a monotone, without taking a single breath:
Me trying to figure out my love language when physical touch makes me uncomfortable, words of affirmation makes me think you're lying, quality time is suffocating if it's too much, gift giving is only fun when I do it, and acts of service feels like the bare minimum.
This random stranger somehow got inside my head and quoted verbatim what I didn't even know was in there. Yes, girl. Yes.
That video, after maybe 20 years of hearing people make references to "love languages," was the tipping point: I finally went to the library and checked out Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (Bookshop), the book behind it all.
It is a very quick read.
The gist of it, if you are not familiar, is that there are five primary "love languages":
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Receiving gifts
Acts of service
Physical touch
The author is a counselor who helps miserable married couples "refuel their love tanks" (if you think that's corny, please look at the book's cover; what did you expect?) by getting them to understand each other's love languages. For example: A man thinks he's the greatest husband ever because he does all the yard work and financial planning and cooking (he speaks Acts of Service) but his wife resents that he is always too busy to spend any time with her (she speaks Quality Time). The solution, then, is for each person to recognize and learn to speak their partner's love language. It's a pretty simple framework, and maybe worth a read if you're having marriage/relationship problems.
If I had to pick my language, it would be acts of service and giving (as opposed to receiving) gifts. Often these overlap. You're sick? I'm headed to the store right now to get you NyQuil and ginger ale and ice cream. Service + gift.
The weird part is that when people speak my language(s) to me, I totally recoil. Please don't bring me presents or go out of your way to do anything nice for me, because that would be awkward and make me feel less independent. I am a rock, island, etc.
The book implies that the language we use to give or express love should be the same language we want others to use on us. But what if it's not? What do you do when there's a big gap between "who and how I am" and "what I want"? I guess I should call my therapist but she's recovering from double knee replacement surgery and right now she probably only speaks Bring Me More Painkillers Goddammit.
Interestingly, the author doesn't talk much about how we learned our love languages in the first place. Maybe he got a whole 'nother book out of that. The Crandall household was always big on gifts and service, but words of affirmation and physical touch? I guess the dog helped with that.
Speaking of which: I am fluent in Golden Retriever. If only that was one of the love languages.
Links
Why you should never buy your child a blue swimsuit. (Lifehacker)
RIP Nora Forster, Johnny Rotten's wife. I didn't know she was Ari Up's mom. That family has really gone through it. (Consequence)
An insanely time-consuming way to hack the dating apps. (Slate)
Succession has sparked a thousand pieces on stealth luxe, or how really rich people dress. (BBC)
For Twitter junkies, a good feature piece on Dril. (The Ringer)
A reader sent me a link to David Foster Wallace's String Theory, a collection of his tennis-related essays. As someone who gave up on Infinite Jest, I wasn't prepared for how much I'd love this book. His writing style is dense, and requires serious concentration, but the payoff is huge. (Library of America)
DC-area people, here's an awesome project to help preserve old issues of the City Paper and the Blade. (Washingtonian)
RuPublicans!!! (Kottke)
Nation’s white liberals announce they have successfully completed listening. (Onion)
Niece wondering if she can play Tinder on your phone again. (Reductress)