junky mailboxes
[Alt text: A white mailbox that looks like it's being humped by a giant blue dolphin. In Florida, of course.]
Brief holiday redux: Most of my family lives within 4 miles of each other in Washington, DC so we all went to Florida for Christmas. Only one member of our party had 3 consecutive flights canceled and for all I know she's still stuck in Atlanta. It was too cold to go to the beach, so we ate and drank while talking loudly over each other and repeating ourselves for the ones whose hearing aids weren't properly turned up to 11. The kids liked their gifts, the dog peed on the kitchen floor, and my niece demanded more stories. Those included 1) how my mother used to lock Christmas presents in a closet and hide the key, and I was determined to find that key, and one year I did, and I ruined the surprise, so I never looked for that key again, 2) the time my brother was working the cash register at Lord & Taylor the week before Christmas, so my father waited in the long line with a pair of boxer shorts that said "HO HO HO" and then when he got to the front of the line, said, "Excuse me young man, do you think my son would like these for Christmas?" and 3) the time in sixth grade when my nose wouldn't stop running during standardized testing and I was too scared to ask for a Kleenex and eventually had to run out of the classroom because my hands were overflowing with snot.
If you use mac-dot-com email, are you also drowning in junk email? I used to notice 2 or 3 junk emails a week; now I get more than 50 a day.
It's one thing to get unsolicited bullshit marketing emails. It's another to let them pile up for a few days, scan the subject lines, and realize that the marketers and data brokers have you pegged as old, sick, incompetent, and lonely.
They seem to think I am an irresponsible homeowner who needs an alarm system, a power generator, new floors, and solar panels on my roof.
My gutters are also clogged, but it's too dangerous for someone my age — who also needs hearing aids, knee compression sleeves, life insurance, burial insurance (??), and neuropathy treatment for my diabetes — to be up on a ladder.
Apparently my insulin pump failed, my gardening weed spray gave me lymphoma, and the water at Camp Lejeune made me violently ill, but luckily I may be eligible for some of that sweet class action settlement money.
I can use some app to find "more singles who are more my style," but first I need to address some critical personal hygiene issues, namely my facial hair and general stink. A new deodorant promises to block 100% of my body odor, so that my "butt doesn't smell like butt."
Once I'm done fixing all the problems in my house and body, I can kick back with cartons of wild seafood and/or Bagel Kings of New York bagels before collapsing onto a fancy new mattress with whatever rando I choose from that dating app.
Many years ago, you could look up what information the data brokers had about you, for free. I searched for myself and learned they thought I was in my 60s, had a graduate degree and a house worth over a million dollars, and was making 200K a year. All untrue.
Later on, Facebook started barraging me with ads for a Christian singles dating site. The photos were all middle-aged white cowboys. I finally went into my profile settings and clicked "married." The ads stopped immediately.
If only there was somewhere I could go to click "renting," "generally healthy," "I'm pretty sure I don't smell that bad," and "ugh, no thank you."
Highs and lows
Last week I asked about your highs and lows of 2022. Some responses:
High: "Emptied storage unit! That was a high and very freeing. Kept, sent to siblings, donated, sold (acoustic guitar), trashed."
Low: "Discovering 3 rounds of unfinished antibiotics in my youngest’s room (she’d been frustratingly sick for 8 months and in/out of urgent care/ ER with peritonsillar abscesses that seemingly weren’t responding to treatment) and subsequently feeling like a total failure as a mother."
High: "Sending my daughter off to college and watching her confidence and happiness absolutely soar in the process."
Links
Stop talking to each other and start buying things, a long rant about how social media has failed its users. (Substack)
What’s in a PR statement: LastPass breach explained. I'm glad I never had the patience to set that thing up. (Palant)
The case for not donating at the cash register. Wish the article had addressed my suspicion that companies are claiming all those donations as their own in order to lower their taxes. (Lifehacker)
A profile of Kehinde Wiley. (New Yorker)
Show me how you treat your waiter, and I will tell you who you are. (Food & Wine)
A test that measures your verbal creativity. (Datcreativity)
I have a friend who collects rubber ducks. I bet she doesn't have this one. (NSFW) (Oddbasket)
What are you reading?
I've been slogging my way through Middlemarch but am taking a break with Raven Leilani's Luster, which is both hilarious and depressing. If you've read something lately that you had a hard time putting down, send me a link? I need more titles in my library queue. You can reply to this email and as always anything I share will be anonymous.