dna tests and family secrets
[Alt text: A screenshot of Jeremy Allen White in Hulu's The Bear, where he looks haggard and annoyed, in a t-shirt and apron, in a restaurant's back office. This photo is making the rounds on Horny Lady Twitter. BACK OFF EVERYONE, I already claimed him.]
This was supposed to go out last night, but Buttondown decided it was a "duplicate" and deleted it. My new BFF over there just dug it out of his server trash, so here we go again.
Ten or more years ago, I paid a hundred dollars to spit into a tube so some startup could tell me I'm really white. I'd forgotten all about that until very recently, when I heard yet another personal story about surprising DNA test results, and also read Carmen Rita Wong's Why Didn't You Tell Me,** (publisher's site) a memoir about how her mother kept huge, life-altering secrets from her.
Since I also grew up in a family with many secrets, I jumped through the hoops to reset my 23andme password and see what dirt they'd since dug up.
L-O-fucking-L:
"Margaret, based on your genetics, you are likely to drink slightly more caffeine than average, if you drink caffeine at all."
"Margaret, your genetic muscle composition is common in elite power athletes."
"Margaret, based on your genetics and other factors, you are more likely than average to have had a bunion."
"Margaret, based on your genetics and other factors, you are less likely to have a fear of public speaking."
"Margaret, the combination of your genetics and other factors makes you likely to have lots of freckles."
"Margaret, the combination of your genetics and other factors makes you likely to have had little to no hair at birth."
"Margaret, people with your genetics in their 50s wake up on average around 7:16 am on their days off."
Based on my SALIVA, these people think I'm an athlete with bunions and freckles who was born bald and is comfortable in the spotlight.
Bitch, my feet are fine (if huge), I came out of my mother's hoo-ha with a full Mohawk, I wish I could be invisible, I wake up by 6 every morning, I've seriously considered snorting coffee grounds, I suck at sports, and no one is mistaking these age spots for freckles. I may be 50 but I am not "in my 50s" so fuck you and your "other factors."
Where is the useful information? I want to read, "Margaret, based on your genetics, your anxiety levels are normal, you need more X in your diet, your hot flashes will end on this date, and you should go get ice cream from the store before it closes."
23and me (which has now decided I am 2.8% Ashkenazi Jew!) is encouraging me to upload all kinds of health data so I can, presumably, meet people I never knew I was related to, and find out when and how I'm going to die. I can even order a coffee table book with all this information! Hello, welcome to my apartment. Have a look at my DNA Book while I pour you a glass of wine.
To take full advantage of what 23andme, Ancestry dot com, and the rest are offering would require a lot of time and effort. As someone who was not adopted (visually I am a carbon copy of my mother and her mother), as someone whose ancestors were possibly slaveowners and/or murdered Native Americans, I have no pressing identity questions, no urge to fill out a Family Tree of Shame. I can barely keep in touch with existing friends; I don't have the bandwidth to create relationships with new-to-me people based on DNA alone. Medically, I have enough information to know what I need to watch out for. And it's only a matter of time before the health insurance companies get their hands on all that info and raise their premiums accordingly.
So why stir that pot?
But obviously it's different for everyone. If you've gone deep down that DNA/ancestry rabbit hole, and learned something valuable or helpful, I'd love to hear about it. Did it change anything in your day-to-day life? Are you glad you learned what you learned? Or do you wish you'd left it alone? As always you can reply directly to this email, and anything I share will be anonymous.
Emotional neglect
Last week I asked how you answered a list of questions that supposedly determine how emotionally neglected you were as a child. I had answered yes to all of them. Some responses:
Hahaha yeah, I replied the same as you to those questions... I LOVE my dog, I barely like people.
I can say I answered “yes” to all of the questions. The only answer I have is that we have been led to believe a lie….that this world is the end but the truth is, this world is where we work out the mess and heaven is where we belong. I fully acknowledge you do not share my faith and that is OK. I am not trying to “convert” you because that is not my job. This world is sick and broken and sad. I hate that we persecute marginalized people. I hate that we church people are hypocrites. Jesus would be ashamed of most of us. I hold on to the hope that I am not home yet. That is what keeps me going. But it is still a struggle every single day. Whiskey helps too :)
Yep. You had neglectful and invalidating parents. I did too. It’s a big deal. I’ve read a lot about it. Actual books. And talked to actual professionals. I’m rereading “The Drama of the Gifted Child” now. I think you’d appreciate it.
I answered yes in varying to degrees to all of the questions. (FWIW I’ve been in therapy on and off for 38 years!) In my experience, most people would say they’ve felt these things at one time or another and it’s just a byproduct of being a human being growing up in a challenging world with other humans. I’ve been much more intentional about emotional validation and fostering loving connections with my own children (now 21 and 18). While they are very emotionally intelligent, connected, and self-aware, they’d say they’ve struggled and continue to struggle with these things in varying degrees as well. Growing up is hard, even under the most supportive and nurturing of circumstances. I’ve decided at this point that intentional parenting is not about raising kids who never doubt themselves or struggle with these things. It’s raising kids knowing they’re not alone in the messiness and pain and can safely and reliably reach out to their people and will be met where they are with love, empathy, compassion, boundaries, and tender support. To me? That’s where the pain of having emotional invalidating parents and teachers does cumulative, destructive and on-going damage to our mental health over the course of a lifetime. Judgment, criticism, and even parents who delight in our inevitable struggles adds insult to injury and creates the real long-term damage to our senses of security, safety, trust, and overall well-being.
I mean, everyone answers yes to them all, right? Don't they just describe the human condition writ large? 👀 That said, therapy and learning from my gen z kids has helped. Also I don't think (my husband) would answer yes to them all.
Links
The Bear was so well done that I was having anxiety dreams about working in a restaurant. (Hulu)
People in the UK blasting the Benny Hill theme song as BoJo stepped down made me laugh. I'm wondering what the US song equivalent would be. (Digg)
"Accidental Renaissance" photos. (Sad and Useless)
New emojis are coming, but still no celery. (Mashable)
In the '90s, in a church, I listened to Bill Bennett give my brother's high school graduation speech. This was before he was outed as a gambling addict and overall POS. In that speech he said, "Keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out." Now he thinks we can stop mass shootings with exorcisms. GTFO and STFU. (Boing Boing)
The Oakland Public Library is documenting things people leave in library books. (Oakland Public Library)
Owl babies! (Instagram)
New study finds leaving tab open for two weeks is same as reading article. (Hard Times)
Some amazing bird photos. (Atlantic)
** Just found out her PR person is going to let me interview her about her book/life for TueNight.