attachment styles any my phone
Attachment styles
There’s a guy on TikTok who likes to offer dating advice while chopping vegetables. He went viral with a video where he says something like, “Ladies, I promise you, you have at least one male friend who wants to be more than friends with you.” Hundreds of women responded, all saying essentially the same thing: “Yes, we know.” Hello, we’re not stupid and you certainly don’t need to mansplain our friendships to us.
I don’t know why these videos were so entertaining. I was hooked.
It wasn’t long before the TikTok algorithm decided I must need Help With Men. Soon it was serving me video after video of “how to tell when a guy likes you” or “the top 5 signs he’s not that into you” or “what it means when he hasn’t texted you in a few days.” Some of the people sharing these tips are so-called relationship experts. Many have simply had awful experiences with people they met on dating apps.
Before I got sick of this content and reset the algorithm, I noticed people mentioning “anxious” and “avoidant” attachment styles, a new-to-me concept. Based on about 20 minutes of internet research, I learned there are four main attachment styles, all of which evolve from your childhood relationships with your mother and father:
Secure. People who easily establish and maintain healthy long-term romantic relationships.
Anxious. People who are needy and clingy and jealous and need a lot of reassurance and probably text too much.
Avoidant. The social, superficial types who are never down for anything serious.
Disorganized. The ones who come on strong, love the chase, but ghost you as soon as they have your interest.
Not sure which one you are? There are lots of free online quizzes you can take to find out your style. I took a few:
According to this one, I am Disorganized. (Attachment Project)
This one says I am Secure. (NPR)
And this one tells me I am Avoidant. (Mind Body Green)
Not only do these quizzes use different questions, they assume you are already in a capital-R relationship. What if you’ve been single for a long time? Are you “avoidant" by default? What if you’re dating multiple people and have different relationships with each one? And yes, how your parents treated you as a kid is obviously going to inform your adult romantic relationships, but what about all the other variables, like your friend groups, health, responsibilities, and trauma that isn’t related to your parents, just to name a few? Attachment style theory feels incomplete, and the categories too few and narrow.
The TikTok advice crowd is using attachment styles to explain bad 21st-century dating app experiences, not real-life Relationships. ("Someone ghosted you? Oh, he must be this type, and you should move on. Or maybe you are this other type, and you are the problem.") And people like me are eating this shit up, if only for a week or two.
Every few months I fantasize about all of us going full Office Space (YouTube) on our phones because too often the apps and/or texting cause way more problems than they solve.
But now I'm laughing because "secure," "anxious," "avoidant," and "disorganized" all apply more to my relationship with my iPhone than they do to my relationships with other people.
Links
How Atlanta's Boot Girls are challenging the car booting industry. (NPR)
"The tyranny of choice in ball sprays is second only to the tyranny of choosing which ball spray guides to read." (Wired)
Samantha Irby's latest book, Quietly Hostile, is out and I can't wait to read it. (Penguin Random House)
Artistic cones of shame. (Winnie Wow)
The coronation with Succession intro music. (YouTube)
For anyone else who misses loud clackety keyboards. (Lifehacker)
Kiddie circle pit! (Twitter)
Candles with clever names. (Virgins on Fire)
Local band lands unofficial distribution deal with Goodwill. (Hard Times)