There's something in the water this week
Just after I sent out last week’s newsletter, the “Dads ‘n’ Lads” WhatsApp group I’m in sparked into life. Unrelated to my newsletter, one of my close friends shared a Reddit AskMen post with the group to ask for our thoughts on the male loneliness epidemic. Over the course of the weekend, the five of us discussed co-regulation of feelings, the Gottman Method of relationship psychology, and—let’s be real—some ridiculous male-oriented marketing too:
A few days later, I met up with a university friend for lunch and he ended up pouring his heart out about stuff that had clearly been on his mind for a while: family, health, relationships at work and some really challenging circumstances he’s dealing with. It was easily the most personal chat we’d ever had in over fifteen years of friendship and I paused things midway through to offer him a hug (which he accepted). Man feelings!
The next day I was at the barbers for my monthly-ish haircut. It had taken me a while to track it down because it had changed names. Formerly known as “Goodlife”, it’s now called… “Maniac”?
“Quite a big rebrand, right? Maniac?!” I said to the hairdresser.
“Yeah—it’s about men’s mental health, it’s meant to destigmatize it” she told me, giving me something to think about.
It’s a coincidence, of course (or maybe just the Baader–Meinhof phenomenon) that just after I started writing about men’s mental health, a bunch of people in my life have been echoing it back to me, unprompted. Is there something coalescing here? Maybe we’ve reached that tipping point where mainstream discourse on this topic is so normalised and accepted that the average bloke in the street is opening up to his friends, and naming his feelings. Or maybe it’s just a coincidence…
Not blue balls; golden
It also put me in mind of the David Beckham documentary that’s just came out this week on Netflix. It’s an incredible film: he opens up, talks through some big controversies from his career, and it really hits you just how damaging toxic masculinity can be. His dad is a prominent character, with vintage footage showing him yelling “encouragement” at pre-teen David from the side of the pitch. Later we see men kicking each other in anger on the pitch, managers throwing boots around the changing room and someone “hanging” a dummy version of Beckham after he was sent off during an England game.
If you need a nicely-produced summary of everything that’s wrong with masculinity in Britain, you couldn’t go far wrong by watching the show. But on the other hand, his attitude and openness in making the film itself is a great step forward when it comes to, well, man feelings. Okay, most of us aren’t multi-millionaire football legends married to a Spice Girl. But if he can tell the entire world about his issues, maybe the rest of us can at least talk to our friends?
Mini feels this week
Man cave on the horizon
My long-suffering partner has recently agreed (suggested, even) that I can convert our large garden shed into a home office. There’s a fair amount of work to do just to empty it before I can get the builders in, but I’ve realised that I’m pathetically excited about turning it into my little space. Once again, I’m embracing being a cliché (eg. the mythical man cave) and filling it full of all the crap I love. As I get older I find myself much more comfortable with just doing things without worrying about how it looks from the outside.
Seeing yourself from the outside
I was in London this week for work and a group of us guys got the late train home. We grabbed some “train beers” to enjoy for our journey and we ended up sitting with a random guy on a table as we departed Euston station. As I pulled the four-pack of Guinness out of my bag, I suddenly found myself switching places with the other man and remembering all the times I’d been a solo traveller enjoying some quiet headspace on a train, before a gang of men with alcohol sat near me and ruined the whole thing. I offered him a can in a goodwill gesture but he declined. I’d like to think, though, that once he heard our (extremely nerdy) chat and realised we weren’t lad lads, he warmed to us. When he got off for his stop he made a point of wishing us all a safe journey and a good night – I’d never have done this with the football fans filling the train carriage with their empties.
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That’s a wrap for my fifth issue – thanks so much for reading. This week has been intense for me – I’ve been interviewing people for a new role at work and it’s never been such an emotional experience. Everyone I’m speaking to is in the early stage of their career and looking for their big break. Play the world’s smallest violin for me, but I’m really feeling the challenge of helping them get to their next step while being fair and objective and supportive. We can’t hire them all, and they each have something great to offer. Everyone seems to be struggling with something right now and you just wish work wasn’t one of them. I’m off for a quiet weekend – hope you have a good one too. Don’t forget to like and subscribe! See, embracing clichés.