International Men's Day
It’s my tenth issue of Man Feelings, and I’m very proud of sustaining this thing for ten weeks in a row. Today is also International Men’s Day—yep, you thought it was just a meme, didn’t you?—which is definitely why this newsletter is a couple of days late. Let’s get into it!
A prize just for showing up?
Why do men need a dedicated day? It’s a bit like the classic response to “why isn’t there a “White History Month”? – eg. because every other month is dedicated to history written by white people. Likewise, a dedicated day for men seems to only exist because self-entitled misogynists complain when they hear about International Women’s Day. What are we supposed to do on November 19th? Make a big fuss of men, just for showing up?
I have to confess that this is how I’ve experienced things in the past. Ten years or so ago I went to a talk by Sheryl Sandberg (of Facebook fame). She was touring her new book, Lean In, and I accompanied my partner to the auditorium in London to see Sandberg speak about how women should assert themselves in the workplace.
During the introduction to the event, Sandberg asked all the men in the audience to stand up and identify themselves. In a room full of hundreds of people, I remember being one of approximately a couple of dozen men on their feet. In retrospect this was probably the first time in my life I could remember being so visibly in the minority.
“Let’s have a round of applause for all the men here tonight”, announced Sandberg. She even added a follow-up advising any single women in the room to look at the guys standing up as potential boyfriend material. The sheepish looking men around me stood there as hundreds of women clapped for us, purely for showing up. None of us had done anything to advance the cause of women in the workplace, as far as the applauding audience knew. But we were men, and that was—apparently—enough.
Sometimes, that’s how International Men’s Day feels. A participation award; a bit of recognition for showing up. It’s a punchline: when some disgruntled incel tries a smart-arsed “great, when’s International Men’s Day?”, someone can smugly reply “November 19th”. But perhaps it’s an idea whose time has come.
Pillars of manhood
The organising body sets out six “pillars” of IMD. Some of the pillars aim to celebrate masculinity, others to highlight role models, and there’s one that specifically aims to highlight discrimination against men. The one I’m most interested in is the sixth one, though:
To create a safer, better world, where people can be safe and grow to reach their full potential.
I like this because it’s one of the few pillars that isn’t gendered in its goal. I like the sense of responsibility and duty that it instils: it’s a job for men to do to make the world safer and better. This objective neatly makes the point that things currently aren’t safe and people can’t grow to reach their full potential, without guilt-tripping or attacking masculinity. You can interpret that objective however you like, but you come away from it with a clear idea for what you could do, as a man, to make a difference. I think this is admirable.
So as a man, for this year’s IMD, what can I do? I pledge to call out situations of violence and danger where I might previously have tried to ignore it or avoid responsibility: I’m old enough and battle-scarred enough to be able to challenge other men and make sure safety and equality are things that are valued in the environment I’m in. But, my fellow men, I’d urge you to read those pillars this week, and find a way for you to interpret them that helps make International Men’s Day less of a punchline, and more of a gamechanger.
Mini feels this week
Turning your nose up
I was picking up my son from his weekly drama class yesterday and stopped to chat to a dad friend in the car park. He was there with another dad who I didn’t know, and our kids played together as we shot the breeze. My son made a jokey comment about another kid having “a red nose” after she stuck a purple sticker to her nose. The dad I didn’t know quickly joked back “I can give her a real red nose – I’ll punch her in the face and then the blood will make it red!”. Writing it down like this, it sounds terrible, and in person it was more of a clunky attempt at dad humour than anything malicious or aggressive. But it just struck me as a prime example of toxic masculinity, deliberate or not. The kids were harmlessly playing, affixing stickers to their faces with the joyful freedom of young children. Why bring violence into it, even as a joke? I reflected on how many dumb jokes I make which might be misconstrued by people meeting me for the first time. It’s much more fun making jokes that kids will engage with, than making jokes over their heads for fellow adults, and risk confusing the little ones.
That’s it for this week! Thanks for staying with me for ten issues. If you’re reading this via a social media link, please consider subscribing for free below – you’ll get this newsletter in your inbox every Friday (or thereabouts). Otherwise, thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next time!