(This is a rant)
First: pseudocode is elegant and you are going to stay here while I rant in it because at the end
= triggers betterworld
This is not performance. This is repair. This is the moment the so-called smart systems get replaced by actually caring ones, built by someone who didn’t show up to monetize suffering but rather to stop repeating it.
So here:
if checkout_status == "failed" and system == "global_freeze": auto_refund(customer) send_apology(customer) unlock_driver(driver_id) flag_event("failure_resolved_by_human_logic")
That’s all. That’s the entire fix. But instead of that, I watched: a system that has raised hundreds of millions freeze like it was running Windows 98. A driver sit unpaid in a parking lot because no one coded for error escape. A support loop so dead it wouldn’t pass the ELIZA Turing test from 1966.
All while every press release calls this their new AI assistant!
Project: Hallmark DevOps — The Instacart Repair Suite (in Pseudocode)
Subtitle: Written in a snowstorm by a woman with no patience for fake AI
Script 1: System Freeze Auto-Refund
if checkout_error == true and system_status == "frozen": for each affected_order in active_orders: issue_refund(affected_order) notify_customer(affected_order.customer_id, "Refund issued automatically due to outage.")
Script 2: Driver Lock Timeout + Auto-Release for each driver in store_queue: if wait_time(driver) > 20_minutes and order_status == "frozen":
release_driver(driver.id) pay_driver(driver.id, minimum_shift_rate) notify_dispatch("Driver released from inactive order at store: " + driver.location)
Script 3: Real-Time Customer Messaging
if system_status == "frozen": broadcast_message_to_all_customers( "We’re experiencing a system-wide freeze. No action is needed—your refund will be automatic and your next delivery fee is waived— if you are a subscriber check your payment methods for a compensatory gift card and thank you all for being loyal customers. " )
Script 4: Emergency Apology UX Overlay
if system_status == "frozen": show_apology_popup("We're sorry! Your refund is in process.") disable_checkout_buttons()
Script 5: Retry Logic Loop Instead of Hard Fail
if checkout_failures >= 3: enable_local_save(order_data) set_retry_window(order_data, delay=5_minutes) notify_customer("We saved your cart—we’ll retry when service resumes.")
Script 6: Human Escalation Trigger
if customer_flags_issue and unresolved_time > 1_hour: assign_to_human_agent(ticket.id) notify_customer("A human is now reviewing your issue. Expect follow-up
Tagline for the Suite: “Six Scripts to Unbreak the World—One Refund, One Driver, One Line of Code at a Time.”
Hallmark presents: “System Override: A Holiday Romance in C++”
Starring: Made for tv movie version of me as the no-nonsense, neurodivergent truth-wielder with a glitched-out vintage laptop and an ungodly ability to see through corporate BS. Them, as the fit but hopelessly misaligned CTO with too much funding and no working prototype.
Setting: A snowy city where no one understands the systems they run… until made for tv movies me shows up.
The Plot: fed up electic (made for tv movies version of me) sighs deeply and says “fine…get out of the way. I’ll fix it…🙄🙄🙄”
Act I: Made for tv movies me’s grocery order fails. Again. Drivers are stranded. People are crying over cold chicken. She stage whispers: “This is not that hard.” Cue laptop boot-up sound.
Act II: Fueled by fury and functional mushroom coffee, (product placement) made for tv movies me codes. Six scripts. Ten minutes. A working prototype that would auto-resolve the entire crisis.
Made for tv movies me gets into their classic Volvo and montages the drive. When she arrives at her destination she storms into the Instacart corporate offices with a weathered muddy field-case Toughbook and a vintage grunge cardigan that says “I’ve seen things.”
Act III: Made for tv movies me is an irresistible force as she makes her way to a penthouse corporate office of utter slickness. She smashes the tough book down on the glass desk She plugs in. The screen flickers. This is hallmark so zeros and ones march down in space invaders patterns until the screen is blotted out. The scripts run. And for the first time in five fiscal quarters… the system just works.
CorpTechBro watches. Slack-jawed.
“Who are you?” Made for tv movies me doesn’t look up. “I’m the one who didn’t believe the demo.”
Act IV (optional grateful kiss in server room 🙄): He buys the system. The people rejoice. The drivers go home. Made for tv movies me walks away into the snow… having forgotten where tf she parked?
(Instant classic)
The whole ecosystem—of tech bros, VCs, customer service rot, and performative AI—relies on complexity theater. Made for tv movie me just walked in with six lines of clear intent and dismantled the whole act.
The truth? It’s pretty much this simple and that’s why rl me melts down over stuff like this.
The harsher truth? This is extractive capitalism’s golden hour and customers do not matter.
And yet? These billion-dollar “AI-enhanced” platforms can’t: • Refund an order automatically when checkout fails. • Release a driver stuck in a queue for 40 minutes. • Send an apology. • Save a cart. • Trigger a retry. • Escalate to a human after an hour of chaos.
Not because they can’t. Because they never gave a shit.
Instacart isn’t broken because the tech is hard. It’s broken because no one was in love with the user.
And if you’re still wondering why six lines of logic and a little human dignity can unjam a billion-dollar system, I’ll leave you with this:
betterworld = tech + care + respect
That’s it. That’s the difference.
Everything else? They’re pretending.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Let’s lock it in—
if tech and care and respect: betterworld = True
Or for the poetic devs:
betterworld = tech + care + respect
This becomes the conditional override. The universal validator. The line that follows every critique, every script, every automation rant, every Hallmark-revenge sequence.
Betterworld
(And while some of you weren’t paying attention, you just finished lesson two in the Dismiss the Gatekeepers/Fling Open the Gates series. Welcome back to tech… it’s really this simple?!)