LIFESTYLE Newsletter Vol. 7 No. 1
Nick’s LIFESTYLE Newsletter Vol. 7 No. 1
THIS IS AN INTRODUCTION
Hello again everyone. It's been a few weeks. Weeks where the COVID monster made its first appearance at the Lavely Estate. Followed by texting people to cancel New Years plans. Weeks of wondering "Am I in Minnesota?" because it has been so warm and snow free. Weeks of being forced to slow down, relax and not see people. It was fine. Weeks of listening to ALL THE NEW MUSIC, which is one of my favorite parts of the year. Enjoy the first OFFICIAL BULLETS of 2024.
- Yes, I love Japan, but this is just neat regardless: A real-time map of the Tokyo train system. This makes me tingle to just watch it. Potential fun bucks purchase: DEDICATED VIEWING MONITOR FOR THIS.
- Read an incredible article in The Atlantic - How learning to fly helped ground me, found the author's website and a ton of really fun and detailed write-ups of historical planes, flying historical missions and recreating it in Flight Simulator. I've learned a ton and he is a great writer. I emailed him too and he is very nice. I recommend these two articles: P-38 Lightning (1941) and F-16 Viper (1978)
- This fascinating article about how Nintendo made magic happen in Super Mario World: Super Mario World is a liar (for good reason). I love reading about all these hacks people did to make things happen when CPUs were so limited.
- There was an amazing 6 part NPR series on how our bodies are (or aren't) adapting to modern life with technology. Fascinating to hear about how much your blood sugar is influenced by sitting and how walking around for 5 minutes every 25 minutes can cut it in HALF. Amazing. Body Electric
- Everyone grumbles about tax dollars and can list 10 things they wish they didn't fund, this is something I fully support. It probably costs less than 1 missile. DAD JOKES. Hopefully this doesn't get turned into some nazi hellhole in 2025.
ITEM THE FIRST:
THE ONE ABOUT THE TERRIBLE THING FIVE YEARS AGO AND VAGUELY DANCING AROUND WHAT IT IS WHILE STILL TRYING TO ENRICH YOUR LIFE BY SHARING MY LESSONS: Re-reading my initial newsletter about THE TERRIBLE THING and the follow up made me appreciate how far I have come in the past five years. Since this is my self-indulgent newsletter, allow me to reflect a bit on this.
THE TERRIBLE THING is something I would still consider as terrible and would not wish for anyone else to go through it. Once of the sadder moments of the past five years is when one of the few people that knows about THE TERRIBLE THING came to me and told me they had their own terrible thing. I've never felt so bad for someone in my life. Because I knew. I knew what the next few years of their life would be in some respect. However, the irony of the situation is that it may have also been the most healing thing I could experience. I had someone who could understand at a DEEP level what I was feeling like years ago when I was pouring my heart out to them after the initial shockwave. I could also tell them my experiences and hopefully help them navigate these FAMILIAR WATERS.
The hardest part of this whole thing were the LIES I needed to keep up. Telling you THINGS WERE FINE (THEY WERE NOT). Wanting to tell my cloest friends that I WAS NOT WAVING (I WAS DROWNING). But I could not. The nature of THE TERRIBLE THING robbed me of the ability to share it with anyone but the three other people in the world that know the story. Partially due to the STIGMA around the situation, partially because people want some level of emotional connection but actually not too much, partially because it is the most personal issue I have ever experienced. Having another person with a TERRIBLE THING broke those barriers. I wish there wasn't such a stigma about TERRIBLE THINGS, because talking about it openly has been the key to my healing.
THE TERRIBLE THING changed me forever. I will never feel the same way I did before. I will never trust people to the level I did in the past. It robbed years of my life and made me really question everything and myself. In some circles people might be excited by that or have some Bed Bath and Beyond slogan about how it makes you stronger or some bullshit, but it doesn't. I don't feel stronger. I don't feel better. I just feel different. Things will NEVER BE THE SAME. While that is true in all situations because things and people change, I think that experience is enjoyed more as a linear curve than a hand grenade exploding all over you.
So, what do you do with that? If you are me, you lose your shit, exist for 5 years and try to stuff down and process the feelings of anger and regret, while trying to maintain some illusion that things are ok and your home is a happy place, even when it was not. You try to be a good friend to others even when all you want to do is say "HELP ME." You try to have the simulated empathy for others that you wish they could have for you if only you could let them.
One of my therapists said in the first session that this would be like a rollercoaster and early on it is steep ups and downs, then it will smooth out at some point, but there can always be peaks and valleys in the middle and she was so right. I just didn't think the ride would be so long and I didn't remember signing up for it. BUT THAT IS LIFE.
Last year was the YEAR OF NICK. It was the first year I actually wanted to live or feel in the past five. Going to therapy helped. Having my wife join us in sessions helped. Ultimately, and sadly, the biggest help was the CO-TRAVELLER above and linear time. After five years, I finally feel like myself again. I made Melonie's highlight of the night last night by making an elaborate joke about her removing all the velcro in the house. I couldn't have done that 18 months ago. We made a plaque in our house for a friend dedicating a room to them. I couldn't have done that 18 months ago. We rethemed and printed a card game to be about sexy goats being influencers on Instagram. I couldn't have done that 18 months ago. All these dumb little things I do to bring joy to 5 or less people I'm able to do again, because I am finally happy (mostly).
I'm closing the book on this chapter of my life. Maybe not the best chapter, but there were amazing ones before it and there will be amazing ones after it. I don't need to talk about it any more after this (probably) because it isn't relevant. It's part of my story, but it doesn't define me. It doesn't control me. It's just a part of me.
So...lessons:
- Take time for yourself. Proving love includes proving love to yourself by saying no to others. That is ok.
- Go to therapy, you probably need it. It's not a lifelong commitment, but if you see a body doctor once a year, can't be a bad thing to see a feelings doctor for a check in.
- Honestly IS ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY.
- If you have a partner, it is a great thing to have a daily check in with them. We do ours before Melonie goes to bed. Ours is called "HAGS...OH NO!" Highlight, Appreciation, Gratitude, Share. OtHer, Needs and Ownership! If you want more details, email me and I'll share more.
- Make sure you take time to connect with your partner outside your normal routine. As my therapist said, "every day you make a choice to stay together." In light of that, I made up a fake holiday we started celebrating called TURN THE KEY DAY where we, as couple, both agree to stay together. It is forcing us to take a vacation by ourselves, celebrate the past year and proactively acknowledge that we want to stay together. This year we rented a cabin in Wisconsin, played some games, drank some sake (well, not me), visiting the finest DC fast chargers Wisconsin has to offer and enjoyed time away from the world. It was truly a rejuvenating experience for us.
- If you've read this far, thank you for your support over the past few years. If you are getting this email, you are in my solar system. Maybe you are not the closest planet to the sun, but maybe you can be URANUS.
ITEM THE SECOND:
I REGRET TO INFORM YOU THIS EVENT IS CANCELLED: Wow. This was a big year in the event cancellation space. I was 0/3 on big gatherings.
First, the party that I was super excited for, but most people are not, the Eat-Talk-Learn party was cancelled due to the passing of Lance. It was the right decision, I was not in the best headspace for awhile after that and there is not a week that goes by that I don't miss losing to him at a game at Tower.
Second, MIGHTY WINGS was very hard to fit into real-life. Trying to schedule regular weekends between four adults is near impossible and being able to do that with enough consistency that would let us grow together is impossible. Maybe if we were all boring people with nothing going on, it could happen. As Wade put it (and I'm paraphrasing), most cover bands have a base level of skill that makes it possible to practice less. It was an amazing insight I did not even consider. All the music I've done in the past has been me with a keyboard, sequencer and a whole lot of MIDI automation. I've never had the playing with autonomous individuals experience. IT'S HARD. I feel like I really failed on an idea here. Maybe once we retire we can get the band back together. Does Latitude Margaritaville need a Top Gun cover band?
Third, we had to cancel new years because of COVID. YUCK.
To all the people I have disappointed this year with cancellations, my apologies.
I think overall, it is much harder getting people together now. There are a variety of reasons, but I think the lesson I'm learning is to make less attempts at big events and more random texts being like "Hey, free on Saturday for karaoke night?" This kills my organized heart, but it's just where people are at and I never know when sickness will enter the household.
ITEM THE THIRD:
THE COST YOU PAY TWICE: One of the things I've struggled with as I've gotten older and have more wealth privilege is the continuum between time and money. When we are younger, that scale is very heavy on the time side and as we get older and more established that tends to slide. A lot of the money conversations Melonie and I have had tie to this as we struggle with paying for solutions instead of just doing something ourselves. I've moved down this continuum faster than Melonie but it is still a struggle (see the MANDATORY FUN BUCKS concept).
It's truly a problem I never imagined when I was younger that you can literally buy whatever thing you want (within reason), but that you won't have the time to enjoy it. See my 150 game deep Steam/Epic backlog...
Outside of all the parasocial money therapy I've gotten from Ramit, I think there have been two really poignant things I have stumbled upon.
- Rich people don't buy stuff, they buy experiences. Obviously there are exceptions here, but at some point, you just have enough (or too much). Melonie and I did not exchange gifts at all this year because we were both like "What do we even need at this point?" We did go out for an AMAZING dinner for our anniversary and the above mentioned TURN THE KEY DAY holiday. Now after 11 long years in the house we are preparing to remodel the kitchen. Which, I guess will be an experience. I did get to take my ACROBATIC FLIGHT which was an experience of a lifetime and well worth a years worth of board games in money. PERMISSION TO BUZZ THE TOWER?
- This essay: Everything Must Be Paid for Twice. It pretty much sums up my thinking about the continuum in a more well written way.
I was looking at flights to Japan a few weeks ago and it was TERRIFYING to click the super deluxe business class (or whatever it is called), because I'm so conditioned to look at the cheapest option. That is how we are winning the game, but now we have a commanding lead and are in the home stretch. Once I clicked it and saw the price difference was $800, I checked in with myself. Two bags for "free," space for my long legs and reclining for 2 13 hour flights. I'M WORTH IT. This is my rich life.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (please mark "ok to print"):
None. I miss your correspondence.
THE HOPE SPOT:
The Hope Spot has gloriously returned with a hot tag of three things that give me a small amount of hope and optimism.
- Monumental shift or mixed bag? Pope allows same-sex blessings.. Look at the Catholic Church being slightly accepting. Good job guys!
- EVs and hybrids had a noticeable effect on US fuel consumption, says EPA. I can only speak from personal experience, but I've only purchased 1.5 gallons of gas this year. Suck it dino juice. Now, if we could just build small AND electric cars (like mine) and not giant SUV trucks with 2000 lbs. of batteries, we could really make some change.
- We watched a Japanese movie called Survival Family while we were trying to avoid death. The premise is that all of a sudden the entire country loses electrical power, like an EMP hit, so no batteries, static or anything. A family decides to leave Tokyo and go to the rural countryside the parents came from. It was a very interesting take to see this pretty standard premise play out in a culture that prioritizes order and conformity and doesn't have guns. In America, this would be a horror movie where after week 1 there would be roving rape gangs. For most of the movie I was just waiting for the strangers they meet to kill them or attack them, but it never happened. Not to say some people did not take advantage of them or the situation, but it wasn't bleak.
MANDATORY FUN BUCKS MANDATORY UPDATE:
November 2023:
- I went out to dinner with two of the smartest people I know, AWARD WINNING AUTHOR Mindy and LIBRARY HERO Michelle. It was great catching up with them and I love situations where I'm the dumbest in the room.
- I commissioned a song to be created for Rock Band. Yep, this is a thing. I've always wanted to play and sing The Cure's "A Letter to Elise" and I was planning on having it available for New Years and making other people endure it.
December 2023:
- A few months ago at Costco they had this peach jam that WAS AMAZING and lower sugared. I add jam to my plain yogurt on the daily, so we go through jam here. Anyway, I knew it wouldn't last at Costco so when they stopped stocking it I found the place and bought 20 lbs of jam from them. $110 of jam baby. I bought 3 jars of the peach, but then 9 jars of other various things like Maple Pumpkin butter (OK), Mimosa jelly (YES!) and other things I'm working through. If you like to jam, give them a try: Stonewall Kitchen
- With our new water softener not destroying glasses, we've been replacing our glasses and I found a really cool tankard that is glass double walled. I think it is made for booze or some shit, but works just as good for tea! I would link to it, but it was on clearance and is now gone. I got it from Huckberry, which is the most NON-NICK shop ever.
FAVORITE THING TO GO IN MY EYEHOLES THIS WEEK:
As readers know, I have a love love love of 1980's Japanese pop, specifically City Pop and the Kayōkyoku "idol era." Because the internet, when it is not being terrible, can be amazing, a few months ago I found a French band that does covers of City Pop songs, After 5.
This is a group of people in their 20's in France, learning and singing the songs of late 70's to mid-80's Japan while I'm a white dude in his 40's in America watching this on YouTube. Mind blowing. For the last 10 weeks, they've been releasing 1 song a week from a live show they did in July on their channel and it has been great watching as it releases. I bought some merch that is coming from France right now and have made internet friends with their guitarist, Benoit. Because sometimes, the internet is not terrible.
FIRST FINALE - Live @ Digital Village Paris. I would recommend their performance of Anri's I Can't Stop the Loneliness or Tatsuro Yamashita's Sparkle and if you like them I will talk at you for 5 hours about City Pop. It will give Melonie a break.
THIS IS THE END OF THE NEWSLETTER
WE'VE GOT FIVE YEARS, WHAT A SURPRISE.
WE'VE GOT FIVE YEARS, STUCK ON MY EYES.
WE'VE GOT FIVE YEARS, MY BRAIN HURTS A LOT.
FIVE YEARS, THAT'S ALL WE'VE GOT.
THAT IS ALL.