LIFESTYLE Newsletter Vol. 1 No. 13
Nick's Lifestyle Newsletter
My hope
THIS IS AN INTRODUCTION
Hello again everyone. It's been a few weeks. A terrible, terrible few weeks.
- We are almost 50% done with our 100% run of Super Mario Odyssey.
- I bought a PS4 and every game I wanted (that was on sale) in anticipation of being laid off along with 8% of the company. I WAS NOT LAID OFF.
- I had a wonderful time playing Jackbox with some friends. It was my first weekend feeling slightly normal.
THIS IS THE END OF THE INTRODUCTION.
3 THINGS THIS WEEK:
ITEM THE FIRST:
FROM SAFETY TO WHERE...? The past few weeks of my life have been the worst. I thought I knew sadness. I thought I knew pain. When Emily died, it was the worst, but I have now experienced something even more terrible. I HAVE FOUND A NEW BOTTOM. The pillars of stability in my life have collapsed and I am profoundly sad while being crushed by their wreckage. Maybe that is a bit dramatic? Maybe it is not. I don’t know. EVERYTHING IS WRONG.
For the first time in my life I am very unsure of myself. I don’t feel safe. I feel incompetent. I feel inadequate. I feel overwhelmed by things I didn’t put upon myself. I feel like carrying burdens and pain is my life. My days are purposeless and regimented. Interactions with friends are battles against my broken brain to try to appear like everything is ok. IT IS NOT. I am not sure it will ever be the same. It may be better, but it will always be different. HOW DO PEOPLE DEAL WITH PAINFUL SECRETS THAT CHANGE HOW THEY LOOK AT EVERYTHING? How do you look at people the same? How do you experience something the same? Time and actions heal things, but are the scars ever gone?
I also can’t really talk about ANY of it. I know some people have reached out to me because they have noticed, and I really do appreciate it, but this is the one secret I have to hold. It will either destroy me from the inside and you will all know then, or I will try to find enough sadness to bury it with. I don’t write this to vaguebook, but there are significant emotional, legal and economic impacts that dictate this must stay private.
Where does this leave us dear reader? I know this is weird to read. I know you may have a compulsion to tell me it will be ok or let me know you are there to listen. I appreciate it, I really do. I just can’t. And that hurts me just as much as it may confuse you. Just know if I cancel plans with you or seem even more weirdo, I’m doing my best but it will not always be enough. If you see me rocking or twitching or having ticks, try not to be too weirded out. MY DEFENSES ARE NOT ENOUGH. I AM BROKEN.
ITEM THE SECOND:
HEART AND SOUL. I have been married for almost 12 years to the most incredible person I have ever known. From the time we reconnected at Chris’ wedding to our first real date, I knew she was something special. I knew after that date that I was going to marry her. I wrote a note on my calendar to tell her I loved her 6 months after that night, not sooner because I didn’t want to scare her, but I knew. She professed her love about 5 months earlier than my schedule. We were looking at engagement rings after 2 months together. We were engaged 6 months after we started dating and married less than 6 months after that. Our first date was on 1 April and we were married on 21 March. Writing that out reenforces how crazy that is, but it never felt strange. I just knew and I loved and that was enough.
Melonie has been my confidant and partner in life and I have never wanted anything else. I have never dreamed of a future where we weren’t together, having coffee and the Melonie Triple Play breakfast (that’s 2 eggs scrambled, Soysage and toast) enjoying our quiet childfree utopia on a Saturday morning. She has had to put up with my weird quirks and passions for years. I can appreciate that it has not always been easy, but she does it.
She has worked so hard to finally have a job she loves, working with some great (and not so great) people and making some amazing things. She has amazing talents and I am constantly amazed by her ability to take on new things and succeed at them. I am amazed by her faith and trust in others. She also works harder than most people I know to better herself. You will never know how good she is at things because she will constantly denigrate her abilities, BUT SHE IS A LIAR.
She is the love of my life and over the past few weeks she has had to deal with a lot of fallout. By necessity we have had to have so many blunt and honest conversations, including me leading her down a real rabbit hole of Aspie life. I don’t think she realized how deep that hole was. That’s the thing about invisible inflictions.
These past 13 years have been filled with more joy and happiness than I imagined possible. She has made my life immeasurably better in EVERY metric. While I knew love before her, it was nothing compared to the intimacy we formed. This bond between two people is so strong, so incredible that sometimes you forget it is there. WE MUST NEVER FORGET.
While no one knows what their future looks like, I know I want her by my side.
ITEM THE THIRD:
SOMETHING MUST BREAK. This is the last LIFESTYLE newsletter. I’m not saying it won’t come back some point down the road, but it is definitely on hiatus.
The LIFESTYLE newsletter was a way for me (the writer) to communicate to you (the reader) in a way not owned by big FACEBOOKS and with more space and a limited audience. It was a forum to ask the big questions I have in my life on how to be a better human to a smaller, better audience. For everyone who took the time to read or write to the LIFESTYLE newsletter, thank you.
This decision was made before the events referenced in item the first, so this is not a response to that, however, it does make this decision even more necessary. I AM THE IMPLOSION IN THIS GRAVITATIONAL COLLAPSE.
GRATITUDES:
To all you readers. I'm sorry I didn't have a long enough run to put you in the GRATITUDES section.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (please mark "ok to print") None.
FAVORITE THING TO GO IN MY EARHOLES THIS WEEK:
MILEY FUCKING CYRUS. Huh? Yep. This was trending on Reddit a few days ago and it is incredible. I'm too old to really know what a Miley Cyrus is, but I dismissed her because of the tween following, public implosion and her dad. I'm such a dick.
Here she is doing a cover of Dolly Parton's song Jolene and she absolutely kills it. It's better than the original. Sure, you may not love honky tonk country like me, and that is OK, but you owe it to yourself to listen to the vocal performance. No autotune or other bullshit, just an incredible voice and talent. Keep an open heart and open butt and give it a listen.
YOU HAVE ALL YOU NEED.
TO BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOU.
I HOPE LOVE IS REAL.
THAT IS ALL.