On Labels - April 2024
Note: While this is a G-rated newsletter, it does talk about sex, sexuality, kink, queerness, and non-monogamy in an educational context. Consider yourself warned.
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Who Do Labels Serve?
I have been teaching a lot of introductory workshops lately in the kink, non-monogamy, and Queer communities. When you teach in 101 spaces, you spend a lot of time covering basic terms, providing definitions, and creating a general understanding of what people mean when they say certain words. In a kink context, I might define words like top, bottom, or switch or in a non-monogamy workshop, I might define solo polyamory.
You'll note that I linked to specific definitions in my text above. The definitions provided on those pages are a great starting point for understanding those terms. However, if you ask three solo poly folks to define solo polyamory, you're likely to get four answers! As soon as labels start being used "in the wild," they become part of the language. And language is subject to misunderstanding, re-interpretation, and evolution.
Identity labels are a double-edged sword, offering both utility and constraint in our understanding of self and others. On the one hand, they serve as navigational tools, helping us find our place in society, fostering a sense of belonging, and connecting us with communities of shared experiences and values. The way that finding the labels "bisexual" and "polyamory" changed my life cannot be understated! On the other hand, these labels can feel confining sometimes, making us feel like they are an attempt to obscure the complexity of our identities. As a result, we will often broaden or shift our definition for that label so that it is broad enough to include us while still leaving us feeling like we belong to the larger tribe.
These "fuzzy" definitions can be really frustrating for new explorers of identity, sexuality, and connection. When diving into new terrain, we often want someone to provide us with "the answer." We want a path forward and a clear route to success. This is a very understandable desire, and we often encounter gatekeepers who insist that we need to label, define, and segment ourselves perfectly. These gatekeepers can sometimes be well-intentioned, but they are usually seeking conformity and comfort that embraces and furthers their own narrow worldview. This pressure to conform to preconceived notions of what it means to be a specific gender identity, sexual orientation, or relational role can be suffocating, denying individuals the freedom to express themselves authentically. In this way, identity labels can become instruments of social control, enforcing conformity and marginalizing those who deviate from the norm.
In my workshops and coaching, I try to provide folks with a starting point, an overview of how many people use a term, label, or identity, and point out the common assumptions. But at a certain point, exploration requires a degree of uncertainty and permission to explore and discover our unique interpretation of that label. If we don't embrace that uncertainty and diversity of valid experiences, we become gatekeepers ourselves. We can inadvertently keep community resources, care, support, and vital information away from those who need it most.
Ultimately, the challenge lies in recognizing the complexity and fluidity of human identity while acknowledging the importance of representation and community. Instead of relying solely on fixed labels, we strive to create spaces honouring individual autonomy and celebrating diversity. This requires embracing identities as dynamic and multifaceted, resisting the urge to reduce people to simplistic categories. Labels should serve us; we don't have to contort ourselves to fit a certain shape to be valid.
Coaching Support To Navigate Community Spaces
We all deserve support and tools to navigate community learning and social spaces. Whether you're curious about going to a kink munch, a polyamory social, or taking workshops online, I have experience that can help you get the most from your time in new spaces with new people. I have worked with clients navigating anxiety, stress, or just figuring out how to engage with an unfamiliar community.
If you would like to connect with me for coaching, please reach out!
Upcoming Online Events
April 10th I have my Powerful Bottoming: Communication For Kick-Ass Bottoms available via Zoom! Whether you're an experienced kink bottom or brand-new to the experience, this workshop will provide tips and ideas to improve your communication skills and bring your best self to every experience!
Later in April & May I'll have a number of workshops coming up. To check out my full listing, head over to my website!
I do realize that my offerings in April/May are pretty kink-heavy. For those folks interested in non-monogamy, Queer sexuality, or general relationship skills, fear not! I'm in the middle of developing some new workshops for a broader audience that will be launching this summer. Stay tuned for more info!
Rainbow Skies Monthly Support Group for Neurodivergent Queer Folks
As we do every month, Em & I will be running our Rainbow Skies free online peer support group! This group has been running since September; every month, we provide peer-based support and care to neurodivergent Queer folks.
We’ll be meeting on the third Thursday of every month, with the next meeting on April 18th! Register here for free if you would like to attend and haven't joined us previously! (Note that you’ll need to register with Blue Sky Learning through Jane.) If you have attended a previous month, there is no need to jump through these hoops again; we’ll already be emailing you the link!
In April, we'll be hosting a discussion on discovering and addressing changing needs!
Support & Connection
If you would like to connect with me for coaching, please do. A sliding scale is available, and I would be happy to have a free consultation prior to beginning our work together.
As always, I appreciate your donations toward my educational & community work.
I recently joined Blue Sky; feel free to follow me there!
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