Hi friends,

This song is very, very close to my heart & I feel quite tender and a little nervous about sharing it.

It's called The Garden.

https://soundcloud.com/llydian/the-garden

First of all, it took about a year and a half for this song to come together, writing-wise. I had a different chorus originally, and it just wasn't the thing, you know. I was playing around with it during early pandemic last year, and found my way to the current version of the chorus. Immediately, the song clicked into place; the whole complicated cocktail of anger, regret, grief, and love.

Second of all, I found this song very challenging to record and mix. Lots of layers! I ended up making liberal use of the panning function to get the various parts distinct (if you listen to the song with headphones on, you'll hear what I mean). I also recorded so many takes of the main vocal (like, SO MANY), and still am not 100% satisfied! My inner critic is savage! It's crazy! I am working on it!

Lastly, please know that I love my parents very much, and they love me very much, and I truly mean what I sing in the bridge—we are all doing the best we can with the tools we have. My tools happen to include writing and music-making, that's all.

Thanks for listening. If you like it, please share. See you in two weeks!

xoxoxo, Lauren

In the beginning, there was a garden
that my mom tended in the back of our house
it had pretty flowers, it had lots of children
running around, around, around
all of the children took after their mother
quick to see weeds grow in the dirt brown earth
quick to say "oh, it's not as good as I wanted,
I should have done better,
I should, I should, I should"

How do you grow if there's no light?
—They say they want it, do they really want it?
—They say they got it, do they really got it?

In the beginning, there was a garden
with fruit so forbidden it's worth your goddamn life
and all of the sinners gather around it
trying to take one more bite
and if that's all we're given, then I'm gonna take it
chew up the flesh and spit out the seeds
and when they say "hey, that's not how we raised you,"
No, you raised me to be unhappy

How do you grow if there's no light?
—They say they want it, they don't really want it
How do you know if you've done right?
—They say they got it, they don't really got it

Now, cut to the middle,
or maybe the ending
but no one knows the ending even if they say they do
and god, if you're out there
then I forgive you
the way I forgive myself if I'm in the right mood
and all of the mothers, and all of the fathers
and all of the children just trying to do good
I know you did the best you could

How do you know if there's no light?
How do you grow if you're not right?
—You say you want it, do you really want it?