Your Fortune According to Betty Crocker
Betty Crocker is a sadistic witch, and I’m but her student.
Do You Want to Do Some Witchcraft?
“A lot of people say the secret ingredient to a good meal is love, but I’ve made great meals on spite.” - Sam Roth, folk magician
One of the great sacrifices I made in Spells for Success, was to cut some of the great insights that people I respected contributed. Sam Roth’s quote about kitchen magic is one of the cuts I had to make for space, and it killed me to do it.
His quote on the best meals of spite inspired my latest article in The Wild Hunt about using a cookie recipe to hex the president. I love subversion of domesticity, where the nourishment becomes the punishment. The typical and basic becoming dazzling and strange.
Which brings me to my favorite sadistic magician. An insidious mistress of hell herself, Betty Crocker.
Betty, like all of our best egregores, is a fictional marketing tactic who has sold us such culinary masterpieces as Summer Salad Pie, Tuna Ring with Cheese Sauce, and Ladies’ Seafood Thermidor, it’s easy to cast her as any evil witch charged with eating children. (And probably also sticking them in some horrifying cream sauce).
I believe in working with the dark magic. So my latest divination tactic with the recipe cards of Betty Crocker.
I’m good at drawing things to me for free. And I hovered over a bustling street corner economy and lurked in my Buy Nothing internet groups.
When the avocado green Betty Crocker recipe library circa 1971 was left for me on a porch, I cackled all the way home.
Learning how to read the cards, like every divination practice, is trial and error. And without the structure that Tarot provides, I’m entirely relying on my intuitive mind. No Reddit threads, nor years of shared knowledge.
It’s just me and Betty smugly puttering through the divination that happens at the kitchen table.
So this reading is on me. Let’s consider this three card spread. Betty Crocker, take the wheel.
The Past
I start by looking at the image and taking in whatever stands out. Right off the bat I notice the food lighting. The mushrooms are in shadow where the meat is both lit with the edges fading into the shadow. Immediately registers as transitions and death. Some of that is because humans are made of meat, some of it is because mushrooms can indicate rot. The ingredients are harsh flavors, vinegar and mustard, which indicate both luck and purification.There’s also a lot of acid in this recipe, (makes sense for red meat), which is an eating away and a breaking down and softening.
The past is a body being laid to rest, whether buried or swallowed, and has given all of the nourishment that is can. It’s time to digest and let it go, even if it’s comforting and tasty.
The Present
Immediately I get choices in selection. It’s four different cheeses with different fruit, and while the photos are bad, they are all equally lit which means that all of these options are distinct but none are necessarily bad. The back of the card is recommended pairings for cheese and fruit. And every choice is meant to be enjoyed and savored. Laid out in a beautiful arrangement, accompanied by good wine, and enjoyed with friends.
Hang out with your loved ones. Spend time in the world amongst the celebrations of people. It’ll refill your cup, no matter what way you arrange it or what works best for you.
The Future
Look at all that sweat. Mmmmmmm GLISTENY. Like a 1980’s exercise tape. I’ll admit my first response to this was “ew.” I also thought it was an aspic and was THRILLED to learn it wasn’t. It’s just regular weird jello.
On the back of the card are two recipes that volley between “eh, fine,” to “why is there that much sour cream?” So the future also has choices, but they are less exciting or neutral than what’s going on in the present. Celebrate the now because the future is likely to present us with choices that will either be acceptable or weird, and there will be entirely too many servings of it. Meaning these choices will have a big impact with a lot of leftovers.
Cook with intentions, everyone, whether for good or for evil, and may Betty Crocker never darken your door.
Got questions? Topics your want to see me talk about? Want to book a reading? Email doyouwanttodosomewitchcraft@gmail.com and send me a note. Want to read more of my work? Check out my website, and if you’d like to support me, buy Spells for Success.
Find me by sending a crow to the only streetlight in the smallest town you've ever heard of.
Or by checking out my website laureneparker.com