Yur a wizard, reader!

Apple recently released a new laptop. It’s “affordable” and targeted at the lower end of the laptop space. It’s called the MacBook Neo. It has an A18 Pro chip inside of it. Why am I telling you this? The A18 Pro chip is the chip used in the iPhone. No, not the latest iPhone, last year’s iPhone. Why does this matter? The MacBook Neo is essentially an iPhone with a big battery that runs MacOS. That means last year’s phone is good enough to run a FULL FUCKING DESKTOP OPERATING SYSTEM! Yet you and I can’t have that! Remember, this is an active choice being made so you can buy an iPhone, MacBook, iPad separately instead of having it all in one! I’ve complained about Apple holding their hardware back before. If only it was possible reader. IF ONLY IT WERE POSSIBLE!

I’m not here to rant about that. Did you know that 50 Shades of Grey exists because Twilight didn’t feature enough sex? That’s basically how it happened. I say that to tell you how I finally got around to playing Hogwarts Legacy! It was stunning to look at and running around Hogwarts felt cool. The story within the world felt a little…lacking. You know what it was missing? Yup…Sex! I figured why not try to create a story within another established world?

I found two quick issues with that. First, it’s hard to write about sex when you don’t participate in the action yourself (yeah, yeah, we’re talking about wizards here, but got to keep it realistic). Secondly, there is a shit ton of lore accurate spells and locations that I don’t want to research to make a lore accurate story within the Wizarding World. So, here is a short story set in a world inspiredby a world that may have a secret wizarding world within it.

I

Even with magic, the brewing is the boring part. It would probably have helped not dropping out before Advanced Potioning 103 but that hasn’t stopped my success. Lucky for me there’s TikTok.

Here’s ten spells that can make home life simple for y…

Swipe.

They not doing it like me! Check out the new broom chat! 6 months of hard work and I finally got myself the…

Phoenix Feather 4000. Decent broom but real broom racers fly on Red Wings. Swipe.

The no-maj government in the United States is launching orders to investigate and reverse engineer a new drug that is taking the East Coast by…

No-maj scientists won’t be able to understand the spells needed to make this themselves. Besides, what’s the issue? They call it a drug but drugs hurt people. Negative side effects. This gives them the high with no drawbacks. No health risks, no addiction, just the fun.

…Wizarding Government within the United States are believed to have knowledge behind the individuals responsible for releasing what No-Majs are calling “Witch’s Dust” in…

I thought that was a stupid name. Witch’s Dust. I made the coloring pink and green to stand out from other street drugs. How was I supposed to know Wicked was going to feature two witches that shared those colors.

…”They are outsmarting No-Maj policing, but we are onto their tricks. They can’t hide…”

Swipe.

heyyy chat! today i'm doing a bikini try onnnnn! no-majs like these and i think you will too

II

Eddie was always a better people person than I was. But being from a lower class family meant he was always more accepted in muggle circles than the wizards and witches he was forced to mingle with. That must be why we got along. Being first generation wizards in our families meant we had no one to relate to. No one to help us. My family, like his, thought this meant leaving the hood cause we were special. But unlike kids gifted with talents like sports and music, wizarding doesn’t just mean your talents are prized. It must have been what brought our friendship to fruition.

His parents, like mine, thought it was a good idea to expose our talents. What no-majs, and the high class wizard families don’t teach their kids, is their secret existence isn’t careful planning and grand prophecy. It’s brute force. Our parents got spellbound to ignore the wizarding world while my entire existence was made to be normal to them. To this day I never found how to reverse the spell. My parent’s died while under the spell, but Eddie’s mom is still alive with it. They teach us how to protect ourselves from Dark Arts but hide the fact they employ it “to keep the balance”. Bullshit. It’s why they hunt us now.

Eddie would go back home to Queens in New York during summer breaks atIlvermorny. I would go back to an apartment in Hartford Connecticut. Even though the school insisted we’d use owls like the old traditions meant it, we would keep in touch over instagram. Eddie impressed his neighborhood friends with his tricks he learned at “Magician” school. I used my “magician” tricks to hustle bystanders. Till this day, neither of us know what House Horned Serpent saw in us.

III

Eddie was running late, as usual. I was finishing up the packaging for Witch’s Dust. It’s all fairly automated at this point. It’s just the handing off to distributors and collection of money that takes some work. That’s what Eddie was doing now. Sometimes people think they can get a better deal. No-majs have to learn why we branded ourselves the magicians. Something felt off while I was cleaning up my work area. Eddie can be late, but usually he communicates himself.

A flicker caught my eye. Not magic, but the flicker of the cameras set up outside the apartment. Three of the cameras just went black. The path from behind the building, up the staircase, and in the hall, all went dark. Someone knew where they were going. My magical presence spell hadn’t triggered, at a minimum I’m not dealing with someone I’ll have to duel with. This must be a local group looking to get a score. Question is: How did they pinpoint me down to the apartment?

The door was knocked on. I knew that it meant they were trying to kick it in, but whoever that was didn’t know I’d magically reinforced the door. If those no-majs were going to break that door down, they’d have to discover an unearthly deity and convince them to break it down. Even still, the deity might have an easier time just wrecking the building. Part of business is protecting the investment. I pulled out my wand and quickly flicked it towards my makeshift workbenches. They rolled up and packed themselves into two nondescript duffle bags.

That’s when I was caught off guard. A small explosion blew a hole next to the front door, knocking me off my feet in the process. Who blows a hole into the wall? Importantly, how would they know to avoid the door? Ears ringing, I catch a glimpse of two swat geared people entering the apartment with large guns. I have to figure this out later. While still on the ground, I grip my wand. Strong flick in a circular motion with a whisper of incantation, I never could quite think out my spells, the wand releases a cloud of thick black smoke. The smoke instantly fills the apartment and begins filling the hallway. In the heat of the moment I may have given it more force than it needed. The fire alarms through the whole apartment start going off. Simultaneously, gun shots start booming.

Fight or flight? It seems the decision was made for me.

things i read

'The Most Dejected I’ve Ever Felt:' Harassers Made Nude AI Images of Her, Then Started an OnlyFans | Samantha Cole for www.404media.co

Meta Plans to Add Facial Recognition Technology to Its Smart Glasses| Kashmir Hill, Kalley Huang, Mikey Isaac for www.nytimes.com

How dark web agent spotted bedroom wall clue to rescue girl from abuse | Sam Piranty for www.bbc.com

'Students Are Being Treated Like Guinea Pigs:' Inside an AI-Powered Private School | Emanuel Maiberg for www.404media.co

The cowboy who got rich selling veggie burgers | Frida Garza for grist.org

Inside the Gay Tech Mafia | Zoë Bernard for www.wired.com

Meet Scotland’s Whisky-Sniffing Robot Dog | Christopher Null for www.wired.com

Child’s Play | Sam Kriss for harpers.org

They Were Convicted of Killing Their Abusers. A New Law Offered a Second Chance at Freedom. | Pamela Colloff for www.propublica.org

The Righteous EV Owners Who Won’t Let Their Broken Cars Die | Aarian Marshall for www.wired.com

A Possible US Government iPhone-Hacking Toolkit Is Now in the Hands of Foreign Spies and Criminals | Andy Greenberg for www.wired.com

My Year as a Degenerate Sports Gambler | McKay Coppins for www.theatlantic.com

If I went to Hogwarts, obviously I'd be Slytherin. What house would you be? Let me know at blog@lattepunk.com.