Super Lattepunk Home II Turbo
Lattepunk
I’m going to have a moment of honesty with you, reader. I’m having a serious issue. NO, I’m not going around asking my coworkers to have my kid.
Are you worried about finally having your 12th kid?
What!? No! Well, not yet at least. That would 100% be an issue!
My issue is that it’s hard to make my home smart. I’m dumb, so why should my home be smarter than me? That’s exactly why my home should be smart, takes the burden off of me. But the burden of getting the burden off of me is a process. So many decisions to make! You’d think it’d be as simple as just buying the best product right? Let’s try it:
Video Doorbell? Ring is the popular brand right? Let’s look past the fact they’d give my footage to police without my consent. We got our doorbell.
Thermostat? Nest are popular. Doesn’t google have enough data on me though?
Cameras? Eufy are affordable and on big on security! Even though maybe they aren’t as secure as promised.
We could keep going but let’s point out some obvious issues so far. We got three different manufacturers for three different products. In a world where the home is smarter than us, that now means we need three different apps to control three different aspects of our home. That’s annoying.
Okay, just invest in one system then.
Good call! Which? Amazon Home? Google Home? Apple Home? A third party Home? This has its issues also. Committing to Apple Home as my ecosystem would truly suck if I decide to switch to android. But I get HomeKit Secure Video (end to end encrypted video recording)! That’s not without its own issues! Mainly that it’s only 1080p (which needs an iCloud subscription to work AND and Apple approved hub to work), when cameras can do 4k nowadays for pretty cheap.
That’s my part of my personal journey since I took the dive into this world. A world, I admit, I was hesitant to join. What pushed me over the edge? I was tired of carrying my house key. Yup! I folded and got a smart lock (don’t get me started on these either). Here’s the smart home I envisioned:
Sonos speakers (way too expensive and only worked on their app (which they broke))
Eufy 2k Doorbell (already had it, using the Eufy app)
Nest Thermostat (best available in my opinion, needed the Google Home app)
A smart lock that can use my phone to unlock it and NOT have a keypad for someone to guess the pin to get into my house (very specific I know, but remember I don’t want a key anymore)
That’s all I wanted. Instead, I dove into the apple HomeKit ecosystem. Trust me, I’m not happy about. One of the appeals was that I could set up any device that was HomeKit compatible all within the Home app. No extra apps. For the most part, that’s been true. So what’s the issue? Well, if I don’t have the device’s native app, that device won’t get any updates. That means I need to register all these third party devices to their own apps, THEN use them through the home app. Which defeats the purpose of getting into this one ecosystem!!! Had to replace my doorbell cause it actually wasn’t even HomeKit compatible. That iCloud subscription I mentioned, I’d have to up my plan to include a second camera for HomeKit Secure Video (at f#&*ing 1080p!!). These woes exist in all these ecosystems, I can only speak to the ones I dealt with.
Aren’t you worried someone can hack your house now? It’s easier for them to break into your house through you smart lock!!!
Listen, if someone is talented enough to 1) have a zero day exploit for my specific door lock (which would be worth more selling or claiming a bounty for) and 2) know I have that exact model and software on my door lock: god speed! They’ve earn the ability to rob my house. In all honestly, it’s still easier to just break my door or window to rob my house. You know, the good ole fashioned way!
I don’t come with just problems! I have short and long term solutions (both easy and complex!). Let’s break down our two options!
Long term (easier) option:
Amazon, Apple, Google, Samsung, everyone reputable that makes these devices and software are part of a consortium (a kabal!) that are working on this. They’re all part of the group contributing to this smart home standard called Matter. Why is this important? In simple terms, if the device supports Matter, ughhh, it doesn’t matter what ecosystem you’re in. It’ll just work. Even if the company goes out of business, your device will still work! They’re working on adding standards to all sort of devices, like microwaves and dryers. The reason this is long term is cause the standard needs to be made, then implemented by the smart home ecosystems, then have someone make a device that is compatible to the standard. Apple announced a new way to unlock your house, but a lock doesn’t exist on the market to do with yet, SMH. But our perfect smart home is coming….with time. But do we really have to wait?
Short term (slightly complex) option:
With some can do attitude and the help of the internet, we can always fix our technology issues ourselves. Software like Home Assistant is here to save our day (or Homebridge if you want a more iOS centric system). All you have to do is setup a Raspberry Pi by flashing the Home Assistant image on it, find a suitable plugin that supports the devices you have, have them all connect to the server you set up on the pi, then BOOM! All your devices are conveniently all on one app, no matter the manufacturer. Easy right? Even with all that, woes will still exist. But at least we have this option. It beats waiting around for someone else to fix these issues.
Wait! There’s always a third option:
You can just suck it up, buttercup, and buy into one ecosystem, be mad about the initial up front cost, loathe in it for months, start a newsletter, gather a tiny audience that read it, then complain about the poor decisions you’ve made in your life. That’s the route I’d personally take.
Now excuse me, I got to find some homekit enabled air conditioners.
Recommendations:
Articles:
I am Laura Kipnis-Bot, and I Will Make Reading Sexy and Tragic Again (by Laura Kipnis, Wired) (a rare use of ai that stood out to me. imagine someone famous reading the same book as you, then you get to have a conversation with them about the book.)
Perplexity Is a Bullshit Machine (by Dhruv Mehrotra and Tim Marchman, Wired) (where ai currently is. even when told not to scape it website to feed the ai, it does anyway. then it still gets it wrong smh)
The Delusion of Advanced Plastic Recycling Using Pyrolysis (by Lisa Song, ProPublica) (super interesting read about all the marketing in recycled plastic for packaging. is it actually recycled or are they actually just lying to make me buy that product over a competitor?)
Instagram Recommends Sexual Videos to Accounts for 13-Year-Olds, Tests Show (by Jeff Horwitz, WSJ) (meta just being meta. and to think we really need to ban tiktok to save the children)
The Crazy Economics of the World’s Most Coveted Handbag (by Carol Ryan, WSJ) (this utterly fascinated me. you need to spend how much just to have a chance at buying a fucking purse!?!? i’m in the wrong line of work)
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