For the small price of $475,00 you could be the coolest human on the block. What's stopping you?

You, reader, you like to go against the grain. You could roll around in a fancy European car, but given our massive climate problem, you’re considering an EV. I like it! Clearly, you aren’t an Elon Stan. You want something different. Allow me to suggest to you the fastest luxury sedan on the market. The Lucid Air. But unlike some random loser you may read, you aren’t going to be driving around in a base model. Not at all! For this absolute hypothetical problem I created for you, I’m going to assume you have a spare, oh, I don’t know, quarter million dollars. Cool?

You’re going to get the Sapphire edition! Three motors, creating 1234 horsepower, going 0-60 in 1.89 seconds, reaching a top speed of 205 mph, you are going to get all the eyes dropping the kids off for soccer. Just look at it:

Oh! You will be guaranteed to at least make me jealous, reader. But, this creates other problems. Not many people are going to buy this car, but could you imagine if you were driving around and happen to see another Sapphire!?!?! In theory, you could be Shaquille O’Neal and have West Coast Customs make you a two-door version of the car, but that seems a bit excessive. Hmmm? Wait…I know! A fully armored Lucid Air Sapphire!

But how?

That’s where US Armor Group comes in. I’m going to quote from this Car and Driver article. Not only will your Air be able to “withstand a 44 Magnum round”, it comes with SO much more.

…it has upgraded features such as an "impenetrable" Wi-Fi system designed to protect private data from hackers. Plus, there's technology to detect nearby threats, and if things get really dire—like, say, a Michael Mann-esque heist—U.S. Armor Group says there's a one-touch feature to immediately call for help. Think of it as the world's most expensive Life Alert.

Bruhhh….you need this! This is reading from this InsideEVs article:

…as well as a system that can continuously scan for nearby threats during transport, sourcing information from “over a million sources,” including local Police and Fire scanners. Additionally, the defense technology company can integrate things like electric-shock door handles, pepper spray dispensers, concealed gun ports and poison gas protection and detection.

Not only will this keep your newfound haters away, you’ll be ready for the inevitable collapse of society utopia that artificial intelligence will bring. At a minimum, you should be able to write it off as a business expense for your next job. All that in a package that charges 200 miles in 15 minutes (which of course isn’t hard)???

Final cost? $475,000. I know you got it, reader. If this tiny investment is going to stop you from protecting your life from all these rising tensions, and frankly the new haters of your sweet, sweet new ride, well…must be nice.

things i read

Satellites Are Leaking the World’s Secrets: Calls, Texts, Military and Corporate Data | Andy Greenberg for www.wired.com

When Face Recognition Doesn’t Know Your Face Is a Face | Matt Burgess for www.wired.com

The Robot in Your Kitchen | Billy Perrigo for time.com

Is Your Medication Made in a Contaminated Factory? The FDA Won’t Tell You. | Debbie Cenziper and Megan Rose for www.propublica.org

How Hacked Card Shufflers Allegedly Enabled a Mob-Fueled Poker Scam That Rocked the NBA | Andy Greenberg for www.wired.com

The Goon Squad, by Daniel Kolitz | by Daniel Kolitz for harpers.org

I Tried the Robot That’s Coming to Live With You. It’s Still Part Human. | Joanna Stern for www.wsj.com

What we lost when cars won | Kate Yoder for grist.org

Parents Fell in Love With Alpha School’s Promise. Then They Wanted Out | Todd Feathers for www.wired.com

10M people watched a YouTuber shim a lock; the lock company sued him. Bad idea. | Nate Anderson for arstechnica.com

The Popular 3D-Printed Gun Globalizing the Second Amendment | Samantha Subramanian for www.bloomberg.com

CT United FC will launch without a stadium. That wasn’t the plan | P.R. Lockhart for ctmirror.org

Inside the Star-Studded, Mob-Run Poker Games That Allegedly Steal Millions From Players | Ben Dowsett for www.wired.com

The climate solution sitting in America’s trash | Gaea Cabico / Sentient for floodlightnews.org

48 Hours Without A.I. | A.J. Jacobs for www.nytimes.com

For Podcasters, a Voice Clone Is a Double-Edged Sword | Reggie Ugwu for www.nytimes.com

Do you know of something utterly silly that cost a lot of money? Let me know at blog@lattepunk.com.