McLattepunk
Lattepunk
This week I want to take a break from the wonderful world of technology and pull something out of the archive. I wrote this originally around 2014/2015 (maybe?). I've edited for clarity. Added the follow up as well. Enjoy and don't judge my "younger" self (too hard)!
The Time I Became a Millionaire
In my youth, I was a massive fan of McDonald’s. One day my dad brought home Burger King chicken nuggets and I had a tantrum that pissed my dad off so bad that he left the house again and picked up a 20 piece from McDonald’s and forced me to eat them all. I was like six or seven years old. Three nuggets and some soda filled me up back then. My mom ended up letting me slide and I ended up getting grounded for the scene I caused. What my parents didn’t understand at the time was, I fucked with McDonald’s.
But there was no better time to get some Mickey D's then when the Monopoly event was going on. Every year I’d try to get my parents/aunts/uncles/cousins, whoever I was with, to eat at McDonald’s. The prizes were insane to my young brain. Latest video game systems, full fledged living room entertainment systems, a trip to some beautiful location that probably was only safe in pictures, the latest SUV from which manufacturer was popular, whatever the fuck you got for collecting Baltic and Mediterranean Avenue (seriously no one wanted that prize), and so much more! But the reason I played, Park Place and Boardwalk. One million dollars. All my stupid little brain could fathom was I’d own every video game and toy I could ever dream into existence.
Then… I won.
During the summers and weekends I lived in my aunt’s basement. I had my video game systems down there and I'd get a regular rotation of nacho cheese and cool ranch Doritos to hold me over between meals. On the table with all my scattered games was my promotional monopoly board with all the stickers I’ve collected from multiple fries, burgers, nuggets, and drinks. All my years of playing I’d only manage to get free fries or burgers. Those weren’t going to help the dream. Every time we’d get McDonald’s I’d run my stickers downstairs and put them in their respective place waiting till I got something filled out.
Everyone I knew had Boardwalk. You were pretty much useless in my eyes if you ate McDonald’s and didn’t get a Boardwalk piece during the event. But Park Place!? That’s all anyone ever needed. I’m sure it would have been like The Purge movie if anyone ever discovered you’d gotten it. As long as I didn't announce it too loudly, I should be fine.
Immediately down the stairs into my aunt’s basement, there was room to the left (my cousin's room, complete with a 90’s waterbed) and the living area directly on the right. Specifically, my living area. It had a TV and all my shit everywhere. One day, going down those stairs, I’m enjoying my medium fries with two unpeeled monopoly pieces on the front. I must have been either ten or eleven years old at the time. I’m casually going down the stairs, enjoying those crispy fries, fingers greasy from being in contact with them. I enjoyed pulling each monopoly piece off individually, it added to the thrill of the hunt. So of course when I pulled it off, both pieces came off in unison. To this day I don’t remember what the other piece was. That’s because the first piece I saw was Park Place. The Park Place. I got Park Place! MOTHERFUCKING PARK PLACE!!!
Needless to say, I lost my shit.
The next sequence of events happened in a matter of seconds. I yelled “PARK PLACE!” in excitement and gripped the piece in my fingers. Thanks to the light grease on my fingers, Park Place shot out of my hand. I used the same hand to eat and to peel pieces, what do you want from me. Park Place slammed directly towards the wall to my left. Thanks to the lubricant I unwilling applied, it instantly goes in between the wall and the stairs. I go into panic mode. I run up the stairs and I start telling everyone in the kitchen that I got Park Place. No one was having it. I went as far as explaining the monopoly game, the prizes, and that I had Boardwalk already. Apparently, I was the only person who thought knocking down the wall was the most sensible thing to do in this situation.
So I had to take matters into my own hands.
No I didn’t take a hammer to the wall (but man did I want to!). My aunt would have literally killed me. Then I’d get my ghost killed by my parents when they heard about it. I needed to live to get this money. After getting no help from any adult, I ran down to the basement. It hit me that they used the area under the stairs as storage. I’d just go in there and find it. BOOM!
We in business again!
Slight problem with that. There was no light fixture in the basement that lit up that section. Across from beneath the stairs was the hallway that lead to the hatchway outside. At that age, that section of the basement was terrifying. And obviously no adult wanted to give your boy a flashlight to get this process rolling. To make matters worse, there was a lot, like A LOT, of shit under the stairs. Just my luck, no one wanted to move any of it. They seriously didn’t realize what was at stake here! Did they not think that I didn’t know the difference between the blue of Park Place and the blue of Connecticut, Vermont, and Oriental Avenue? IT’S A DIFFERENT SHADE OF BLUE!!!
After trying my best all night, and the next morning, I was forced to give up. Not out of lack of willpower, I got some stern words of encouragement to give up my dreams. That may have been when I realized luck will not be on side in life (plenty other stories would prove this to me).
To make matters worse, let's fast forward 8 years.
I go to visit my aunt and she tells me look at the basement. I open the door and realize they knocked down the wall to make an open layout of the basement. I yelled, “HOLY SHIT!” and ran back up the stairs. It did make the basement look awesome, but I had a more comment to make.
I asked my aunt immediately, “When you were cleaning up everything did you find any monopoly pieces between the wall?” She gave me a look that said “The fuck are you talking about” while shaking her head no. I had already accepted the fact that my millionaire lifestyle was lost, but I couldn’t even get closure. Was that too much to ask for?
I later found out, I was absolutely wrong.
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