Reflection
If I have to summarize all that I have learnt, experienced and achieved, in one word - that would be “reflection”. Sure, there are plenty of people who helped with opportunities and advice, with love and kindness, plenty of ‘qualities’ that were acquired over the course of years and so much more!
However, all of it came it to be because I learnt to reflect. It is the act of meditating on a subject for long enough that we realize something at a profound level. It started as an exercise out of curiosity about the human mind - why we do what we do. Reading ‘Crime and Punishment’ - an excellent dissection of the human pysche - might have something to do with this curiosity. This lead me to read everything from ‘Thinking fast and slow’ 6 years ago to ‘Predictably Irrational’ 6 months ago. What started as an observation of others’ behavior, soon turned into an obsession to understand my own behavior.
I started becoming consicous about my thoughts, words, actions and behavior. When I did/felt something in a given situation - anxiety, fear, joy, confusion - I was learning to recognize it. For a while, I was pleased with my ability to have this metacognition, or having this inner monologue of what my mind was upto. However, I soon started to notice things that I’m not proud of, while I’m thinking/saying/doing them. Instances where I knew I should speak up, but didn’t; I shouldn’t have gotten angry, but did; shouldn’t have eaten an obscene amount of food, but did.
When the moment has passed and when I had some time in my hands, I started to think, very intently and deeply about a particular scenario - on trick that helped is the ‘5 why analysis’. Early on, my curiosity of human mind had lead me to read a lot about biases, mental models and ways in which our brain bypasses the checks and balances that makes up a rational human being. For a brief period, this reflection exercise resulted in me blaming others for my behavior. But then I started noticing this blaming as a pattern (hello, metacognition). So I did what, by now, I was beginning to enjoy - meditate deeply on why I am blaming others.
A brief backstory: Ever since I was a kid, consuming content has been my favorite thing to do. My mom used to say “One invariably becomes a scholar if he keeps reading whatever he sees”. My dad and mom read magazines and there is always something to read on a weekly basis. I joined a smallish public library in 10th grade and by the time I went to college, read pretty much most of the books from notable publishers. With internet, there is no end to what I can consume and so I consumed. Everything from conspiracy theories, animation movies, twitter feed, Op-eds in newspapers, whatever I saw. Never have I learnt more than I did from watching Kung fu Panda. For the current topic, I’ll quote what the Soothsayer told Po : Your story may not have such a happy beginning but that does not make you who you are, it is the rest of it- who you choose to be. This became such a moment in the movie, that when I started noticing the ‘blaming’ pattern, this opened up a new door.
There are so many mental models, practices and ancient wisdom through 3000 yr old books that I can list that I have learnt over time. But that soothsayer quote would probably be among my top 10 on any given day.
That brief interlude aside, I realized I can choose to be someone that I wasn’t until that day. A few more events that helped accelerate this reflection journey. First, a company sponsored training program on leadership. Where they taught nothing about how to become a leader, but forced me to think about how I ended up where I was then. Including every minor decision that put me in a slightly different path. It was an intense 2 hours. The only thing I remember from that training is if you are not inspired by who you are when you wake up every day, chances are less likely that you’ll inspire others. 3 yrs later, I read a John Quincy Adams quote If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, then you are a leader which completed that training program on how to become a leader. Be inspired, by yourself. Now, every time I reflect, I have one reference point - am I inspired by my behavior?
Second, in a townhall session with some of the senior most people at my company, we (people like me) had an opportunity for an open chat. In the course of the conversation, several mundane topics were discussed but out of the entire hour, I remember 2 things said by one senior leader: ‘is it clear for you and others on why you are so distinctive that not making you part of company leadership will be a loss to the company? When people see you, do they see a leader?’ - i do remember hearing several of us shifting uncomfortably in our chairs - I talked to 5 friends in the audience that day. None of us had any answer. So, another reference point - is this how I expect an expert in a topic or a leader to behave?
Third, another 1-1 conversation with yet another member (oh, i do have a lot of these sessions with people I look up to on some aspect or the other). Again, the one thing I remember clearly of him saying - this is after a particularly unpleasant argument I had with another team mate - why can’t you be the bigger person? I remember resisting because the other person in my argument outranked me. This was followed by a that is not an excuse for why you were not the bigger person. The final reference point - am i being a bigger person?
All of these resulted in improving the quality of reflections I had. Now, I’m much more comfortable with who I am - my strengths, my gaps, flaws in character, all of it. I am also comfortable that if I spend enough time, I can be better. But those 3 words can be better - is just the beginning of the story. In another episode, we will talk about what did it take me to indeed get better.