Ch. 3: The Shadow of Loneliness (Recap)
In an effort to keep us connected and make the most of this Summer book club, a chapter recap and key insights discussed will be sent out following each meeting. To opt out of these emails click the unsubscribe link at the bottom.
Special Reminder:
Mark your calendar for the Mid-Point Grill Night 🔥 coming up in two weeks!
SAT 08/24, 7:00 PM
716 Hummingbird Road, Scottsville, VA
[Loneliness] sneaks up on you. You have a wife, kids, responsibilities, a job to tend to—so much depends on you—so you don’t stop to process or think about it. You just keep chugging along.
*Resist the urge to assume this topic of loneliness is just for the “other guys” in your mind and doesn’t apply to you. It’s worth digging a little deeper.
Dangerously Numb
There is a rare genetic mutation called congenital insensitivity to pain (CIP). People with CIP can’t feel pain, so they don’t realize when damaging things are happening to them, such as burning skin, a broken bone, or even serious internal infections. Because of this, most people with CIP die young.
CIP could be a metaphor for men’s hearts today.
All too often, we reach a place where we can’t feel anything. And at first glance we might think it’s because we’re strong, that it’s a superpower to move through life without being overwhelmed by emotions. But the reality is that we may be suffering and dying on the inside, and we are just too numb to realize it.
Q: Have you felt this “numbness”, the author describes, creeping in? Are you coasting on the fumes of earlier seasons of community?
🔥 Meeting Note: We think this is key. Loneliness isn’t a unique challenge for men today. Through conversations we’ve had with several women, we’ve learned that many of them feel lonely or lacking in deep relationships too. The difference is women are generally way more aware.
Q: Is that because we (men) are just “less in touch” with our feelings?
Q: Do we think of deep friendship (w/ other men) as a luxury instead of a necessity? If we’re married, is it fair to expect our wife to be our best AND ONLY deep friend?
The Power of Friendship
So what’s the cure for loneliness? It’s not “getting in touch with your feelings” and it’s not group therapy. Can those things be helpful? Of course. But, the real cure for loneliness is friendship—deep, enriching, beautiful, long-term friendship.
I looked around and realized I didn’t have many friends. I had acquaintances and guys I could call in emergencies, but all my male friendships felt like they were on the wrong trajectory.
There has been tons of research in the area of relationships and the data has been consistently demonstrating on thing: strong relationships matter more than just about anything else. They affect outcomes for men’s lives more than IQ, social class, and money.
The best use of your time in terms of how much it will impact your life—emotionally, physically, and spiritually—has been verifiably shown to be investing in deepening your relationships.
Three ingredients that make friendships strong:
Proximity
Unplanned interactions
Vulnerability
🔥 Meeting Note: This list was surprising to us. It sounds so light, and yet, most things in our culture fight against those simple but foundational ingredients. Based on this list it seems we are in a good position to make strong friendships with neighbors and co-workers.
Q: What barriers do you see for us (BRC men)?
🔥 Landon’s thoughts post-meeting: In regards to vulnerability.. perhaps a fear of offending? Or may I dare say, an over emphasis on empathy? How can we apply grace to all inquiries and challenges, from the point of view that this person simply cares—and therefore I welcome them. Maybe then we can have a good faith discussion or even disagreement and come out stronger on the other side after we experience our relationship withstanding the test? A culture of care defeats a culture of shame. We must be able to hold two ideas at once: boldly challenge sinful thinking and acting AND attribute love to the intent and grace for the recipient. How are we going to bring to light the evil in the shadows of things like lust and pornography without building this trust and thick skin experientially? Am I naive? What do you think?
The Art of the Hang
Make it in your own image
3 time-tested ingredients: Fire, Food, Deep discussion (ask great questions)
Don’t underestimate how important it is to dig a little deeper during conversations. A tip they gave that I want to try is the “What else?”.
Add these two words, “What else?”, to the end of moments where someone shares something deep or personal. The real stuff is always behind the what else.
I feel like my wife would appreciate that curiosity at the end of her stories too.
*Side note: I made this website a while back to help me ask fun questions that sometimes get deep too. Check it out!
Q: Should we do something new? This book club is an attempt at something like that, and perhaps a Mighty Men of God resurrection in some shape or form would be appropriate afterward? Quarterly frequency, grill, fire, one deep question?
Staying Present in a World of Screens
the smartphone screen
the TV screen
the windshield (the commute)
Q: Are your children, your friends, and even your wife waiting for you to look up from that rectangle of glass? (keep your eyes on the road though!)
Resist a Life of Fragmentation
We must nurture the love around us day by day, or it will die day by day. Even small amounts of notice and attention can be incredibly powerful for building relationships that can overcome the shadow of loneliness.
How can we become men devoted to attention, participation, and place.
Jesus was. He lived in the moment and was engaged. He paid attention to people, ate in their homes, and walked slowly. Despite the temptation I would have felt to ramp things up, Jesus was faithful to his pace.
God himself is relational—Father, Son, and Spirit—and is love.
Q: And so, how might not being in community/relationship with others diminish our image bearing-ness?
To close, here are some ideas/challenges the book gives:
Attention
Put your phone to bed—leave it by the door when you come home. Don’t treat it like an infant that needs to be coddled every time it cries.
🔥 Meeting idea: Turn the radio down in the car. Eliminate the noise. The noise has a numbing effect.
🔥 Meeting idea: Be interruptible (esp. with little kids). Embrace it and if your schedule can’t possibly allow it at any point, maybe you should rethink that.
Do we over value efficiency, productivity, and control?
Is the spirit of materialism choking your attention? Do you need to have less things?
Participation
Live a better story—Instead of watching fictional stories, work on living a better one. Get intentional, plan memorable hangs with friends, become an expert on your kid’s lives, know the plot lines of your wife’s heart.
Create “whimsy” moments—spontaneous fun that gets you in touch with wonder… get ice cream late at night with the fam, etc.
🔥 Meeting note: this has been a collective blessing to us.
Place
Learn to love where you live—pay attention to the lives of your neighbors, co-workers, etc.
Q: Do you feel the Spirit nudging you to make major moves in any of these three areas?
The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit have left a seat open at the table. Participate.
Looking forward to next week!
Chapter 4: The Shadow of Shame
THU 08/15, 6:00 AM