I didn’t grow up with an inner knowing that I wanted to have a kid. I also didn’t grow up with an inner knowing that I didn’t want to have a kid. So what does a person swimming in ambivalence do?

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During my 20s, I thought I would probably have a kid someday. I didn’t reflect on why. I was never confronted with it until I fell in love with someone who had a vasectomy and was staunchly anti-parenthood. This relationship made me evaluate and interrogate my own desires, and whether those desires were actually mine or something thrusted upon me. Did I actually want a kid or was I just conditioned into thinking I wanted one because I’m a woman? I found it to be the latter. I didn’t want to end that relationship for a baby I’ve never met. I didn’t have that “I HAVE to be a mother” urgency that I know some people have. Though that relationship ended, it changed my perspective and I’m thankful I had the experience to really excavate my feelings and thoughts.