See you at the "wellness camps"!
an SSRI reflection
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Every time I tell someone I’ve been on Zoloft for 22 years I get looked at with pity and concern. It’s always gotten to me, but now it’s really getting to me.
I had an appointment with an Endocrinologist last week and she, like so many, looked at me concerned when I said I had been on Zoloft since I was 16/17. She said: “There are many studies that show long-term use of SSRIs can cause various issues. You might want to consider weening off.” Cool. I’ll have to discuss this with my psychiatrist.
I have thought about weening down or off my Zoloft for a long time. During the peak of the pandemic, I felt mentally well enough to seriously consider it. I was able to work fully remote, I had more energy, I went for walks every day and did other exercise as well. Things were hard, but I adapted extremely well. I didn’t miss being in person with most folks. I didn’t miss restaurants. I didn’t miss the the kind of socializing that only took from me. Then it all went back to “normal.”
I have a lot of anger that my psychiatrist never brought up going off the Zoloft after I recovered from the initial traumatic event that lead me to be on it (severe and life-changing bullying). Perhaps I could have weened off after a few years. Now? It seems like a horrific challenge. Who has the time to feel like shit while working full-time and trying to have a life? As someone with Sensory Processing Disorder, the idea of throwing myself into uncomfortable sensory territory scares me. Part of me worries it would be so bad that I would need to be institutionalized.
When I talk to friends who are also on SSRIs about this, they nod in agreement. We’re all worried about being “found out” for being “crazy.” We’re all worried that the “crazy” will get more intense. As much as I hate to admit it, I still struggle with wanting/not wanting to fit in with society. I would prefer to be weird than a normie, but I also know that my life is more difficult precisely because I’m not neurotypical.
My friends and I have joked about going to the RFK Jr “Wellness Camps.” We’ve talked about how we probably wouldn’t survive long without our meds; a slow, painful, mentally spiraling kind of death. I’ve talked to some people who are considering weening off their SSRI because of the uncertainty ahead.
Should it come to pass that we can no longer access our SSRIs, I have to believe that, like food banks, there could be a mutual aid SSRI bank. I have to think we would take care of each other.
If I lived in a world where I wasn’t forced to work 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week; if I lived in a world where I could take as much time as I needed to rest, recuperate, and relax; if I lived in a world where I didn’t have to be concerned with money (making it, having it, spending it), perhaps then I wouldn’t need an SSRI. Maybe I still would.
I’m upset that I don’t get to find that out.
Stay tuned for next week, which is my release date for my book!!! I’m making a special playlist. It will be an online party and y’all are invited!
Libraries 101 zine from
We Must Burst Our Algorithmic Bubbles and Build Together Across Difference - Kelly Hayes
XVI: On the music of Trauma Plot - (I think I need to make a playlist for my book pub date next Friday!)
I Got Facial Feminization Surgery—But Kept My Big Nose - Shahamat Uddin
Legacy of The Angels: When medieval scholars sought to understand the nature of angels, they unwittingly laid the foundations of modern physics - Rebekah Wallace
How intergenerational organizing strengthens movements - Annie Faye Cheng
Israel’s Assault Marks One of the Deadliest Days for Children in Gaza History - Sharon Zhang
new Lil Nas X!