In My Thornback Era
On aging and my last Friday of 37
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Hi darlings. It is my last week of 37. I’m posting this on my last Friday of 37. It has been a pretty bad year—a pretty bad few years—but I’m hanging on. Grateful to still be here on this messy, beautiful planet.
This is the first birthday in six years that I am single. That feels momentous in some way—not bad, not good, but significant. I’m in a much different place mentally than I’ve ever been before when it comes to my feelings around romantic relationships. I am not desperate to be in a partnership. I am not desperate for that type of love.
The truth is, this time, I am actively single and passively dating. I frankly do not care about finding a partner for love, for sex, or both. This last year has been the first time in my adult life that I have felt good being single. I still check the dating apps, but I’m not incessantly swiping. I have not given up hope, rather, I have poured more into myself than someone else for the first time ever. That seems celebratory. That seems like a victory. Living in a society that tells us we have “won” if we are partnered/married, and then intentionally choosing to reject that notion feels radical.
Though the term “spinster” isn’t used too often anymore, I’ve always felt endeared to it. I recently looked it up and found that if you are over the age of 25 and unmarried/single, you are actually considered a Thornback. The 17th-century New England term refers to a sea skate covered with thorny spines. A sea skate is a flattened fish closely related to sharks. These cartilaginous fish “represent the oldest surviving jawed vertebrates and… have a skeleton made out of cartilage.” Thornback sounds pretty badass, if you ask me.
As an almost 38-year-old single woman, I am well into my Thornback era.
It seems to be true what so many others have said: you begin to feel more like yourself and have confidence in this as you get older. When I think back to the woman I was in my 20s, I feel immense sadness for her. She tried her best and did all that she could. She centered everyone else except herself, though. Twenty-something Lachrista rarely thought about what she wanted or needed. Now in my late 30s, and really just since my breakup of June 2022, I am finally centering my own needs and desires. I am finally asking myself questions like, “How does this feel?” and “Where do I feel it in my body?”
I am finally becoming an active participant in my own life; in my own body. I’m grateful to be getting older and feeling more confidence in what I want, need, and deserve.
🫀 Mood Board for the Week
I wrote about CozyCore last year and since I have a lot of new people here (hi! thank you!) you might be interested in it.
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One of my favorite Christmas songs: