The men I meet on Grindr
About three years ago, I had several people suggest to me that signing up for Grindr might be safer and more convenient than travelling to a distant city and picking up casual partners outside the late-night chippy. I understood the logic in principle, but I wasn't sure the app that has become synonymous with gay sex was right for me. As a trans man not currently pursuing medical transition, I felt I had no features likely to appeal to gay cis men, and many that would actively repel them. I claimed I wanted to respect their spaces, but really I was afraid of exposing myself to transphobia.
When I did decide to take the plunge, I tried to be as clear as possible about my body in the hopes that anyone who wasn't interested would quietly ignore me. I said that I have a vagina, and added that I was happy to keep my pants on if anyone objected to that. When a young man responded and arranged to meet, I carefully put on my binder - only for him to ask me to take it off so he could play with my chest.
I nervously joked that I hadn't expected anyone on Grindr to like my chest, and he responded, "Lots of us are bi." And so I came to learn that it's possible to be on Grindr and also be enthusiastic about unmodified trans male bodies. Over the following three years, I've met a lot of blokes who were happy to meet me, even with pictures showing exactly what my body was like. Some for relatively positive reasons, and others less so.
Casually bisexual
The responses I'm happiest to get are from people who are much less concerned about the gender or precise body configuration of their partners than they are with actually getting to meet someone. Not all of them call themselves bisexual (possibly because "bisexual" on Grindr tends to mean "in a committed relationship with a woman") but it's a fair description of their pattern of attraction. Sometimes they wax philosophical about how orientation labels cannot capture all the nuances of human sexuality, and sometimes they subscribe to the much simpler credo that if it's consensual and feels good, they're in favour.
They're not all sweetness and light - no group of horny men is. Some of them seem to think that sex is something a top imposes on a bottom or that it's amusing to minimise a bottom's discomfort. But they're willing to acknowledge that they're interested in having sex with men, which puts them some way ahead of other offers I get.
Not too gay
On the face of it, it seems illogical for people who are uncomfortable with gay desire to look for partners on Grindr, but logic has very little to do with lust. I get a lot of messages from people whose profiles specify that they're looking for "ftm/mtf/cd" (respectively trans men, trans women, and crossdressers), or more simply that they don't want to hear from [cis] men.
It seems a little confused: affirming trans women and misgendering trans men, and I'm not sure where crossdressers fit in unless they're classed as trans women lite. I can only assume that these blokes' conflicted desires need someone close enough to female that they can tell themselves it isn't gay, but I'm not a fan of being classified in that group.
There's a less obnoxious version too, where someone who would like to bottom but is nervous about bottoming to a cis man's penis wants to experience my silicone version as a comfortable middle ground. As long as they're prepared to refer to the act as "fucking" rather than "pegging", and don't misgender me beyond the occasional slip, I'm willing to be that comfortable initiation. If they enjoy it so much they go on to bottom to cis men, that's also cool, but a breathless message that they've finally been fucked is rather tactless.
Old-school gay
On the subject of trying new experiences, I've had a couple of meets with men who described themselves as "old school gay" but also intrigued to see what it's like with a trans man. I don't know whether they were lucky enough to avoid social pressure to be with a woman or whether the intrigue comes from seeing how I'm like and unlike a cis woman. Being seen as essentially an interesting novelty isn't the best thing for my ego, but on the other hand it's acceptance from members of Grindr's core demographic that I am a viable partner, so I welcome it, cautiously.
Looking for a pal
My gender is also a draw for another type of bloke who is straight in the sense of the Marilyn Frye quote. They enjoy the body parts usually associated with women, but they don't particularly relate to femininity. I try to steer clear of anyone who's openly misogynist, but welcome those whose ideal partner is a beer-and-football friend they can also have sex with.
They vary in how well they respect my gender. It's very rare for one to never slip up and use a feminine term for me, but the best ones realise the mistake and correct themselves swiftly. I suspect they're seeing me as a strange woman they have to humour, but I appreciate that they find me worth the effort.
Regenderers
There's only one group that is universally unsettling, and that's the blokes who I suspect of intending to turn me back into a woman. Sometimes it's subtle: a steady stream of feminine pet names or encouragement to wear lingerie. When I was first asked if ever dressed like a girl, I wondered why he didn't approach people with crossdressing listed as an interest in their profile or, if he wanted someone with a vagina, why he didn't approach cis women. But I've come to understand that for some men, feminising a trans man is a draw in itself.
Others, even more unsettling, want to know about my fertility. There are innocent reasons for wanting to know whether you need to take precautions against an unplanned pregnancy, but those are generally solved when I explain that my age alone is as effective as the Pill. A normal bloke might accept that or decide he prefers the security of condoms, but these blokes go off onto a long fantasy in which their sperm is powerful enough to overcome my age.
In the extremely unlikely event that I became pregnant, I wouldn't find it distressing. I had my child when I was already out to myself, and I never considered that pregnancy made me any less of a man. Whatever fantasies they're entertaining of forcing me to accept womanhood through breeding wouldn't come to pass even if their sperm somehow did live up to their imagination. But it's disturbing that they entertain them at all.
Conclusion
So my early fears that I would be rejected out of hand turned out to be unfounded. There's no shortage of men on Grindr who want to message me, and some of them even respect my gender when they do. I've met a lot of blokes, each with their own story, and if some of them have been irritating or creepy, screening via app makes it simple to move on. I'm glad I listened to the friends who told me there was a niche for me on there: they were absolutely right.