July 26, 2024

How to worry about your teenager

Parents worry. It's what we do. But there are right and wrong ways to express that worry

At the weekend, I had what I suppose is a rite of passage for parents of teenagers. She went to a party, and when she wasn't home by midnight, I started to worry. I knew the most likely explanation was that she was having fun and didn't feel like leaving yet, but my mind wouldn't stop spinning up a scenario of her accepting a lift home with someone who wasn't fit to drive and dying in a fiery crash. My habit of watching road safety films on YouTube left me with far too many images of mangled bodies and late-night calls with the worst possible news. Eventually, I soothed my worries by calling her mobile, and she assured me that she was still busy having fun, would be heading home soon, and would not dream of accepting a lift from anyone who was less than completely sober.

It's very normal for parents to worry about our children. The instincts that serve so well when they're tiny, helpless infants who need us to take care of everything for them persist even when they're not just theoretically capable of looking after themselves but desperate to prove they can put the theory into practice. But those same instincts, if we aren't careful how we express them, can put a strain on our relationships with our older kids, or even drive them into danger.

I won't pretend I have any special expertise here. My teenager never does anything more worrying than staying out late on weekends and coming home tipsy and talkative, and we've still had no shortage of shouting matches. But one advantage of being an overthinker is that I can usually spot the obvious traps before I fall into them. So here are a few thoughts on how to stop your worries driving a wedge between you and your teenager.

What is it you're afraid of?
It helps to make your worst-case scenario as concrete as possible. "I'm afraid you won't reach your full potential" is pretty abstract. "I'm afraid you'll fail all your exams and not be qualified for any job except Deliveroo rider" is suitably concrete. Listen to the catastrophising side of your brain for a minute, and let it articulate as specifically as possible what's worrying you.

Once you have your worst-case scenario, ask yourself if this is something that would also bother your teenager. Dying in a fiery car crash is probably something they would also prefer to avoid1. But becoming a Deliveroo rider might not sound that bad to them. If you try to make them care about a worst case scenario that doesn't sound that bad, it's just going to end with both of you frustrated. Stick to the literal matters of life and death.

Let them make their own mistakes
Watching your teenager walk into the same bad decision you made at their age is a horrible feeling, and it's natural to want to step in, with all the wisdom of experience, and make them do it right first time. But a teenager with a goal in mind is not likely to be dissuaded by a parent telling them it's a bad idea; they're much more likely to conclude that you are a bad source of advice. If their mistake is likely to leave them alive and healthy but deeply embarrassed, let them make it. Tell yourself that mistakes are how we learn and grow, and don't deprive your teenager of that opportunity.

Focus on harm reduction
As for the genuine risks to life and health, we'd all rather our teenagers stayed well away. We'd worry so much less if they had no interest in alcohol, drugs, or hooking up. But those can be very enjoyable, not to mention a great way teenagers bond with their peers, so telling them to just say no marks you out, once again, as someone they'd rather not listen to.

Instead, tell them how to get drunk or high or how to have sex in as safe a manner as possible. Talk about impaired judgment and making sure they only indulge with people they can trust. Talk about knowing their limits. Talk about safer sex and how to make sure everything is consensual. If you don't think you can talk about these things calmly, make sure they have access to the information another way: another family member or other trusted adult, or even just a handful of leaflets and the details of an appropriate helpline.

Don't invade their privacy
A lot of parents give in to the temptation to snoop through their teenager's possessions, read their diary or their private messages, install monitoring software on their phone. This is a great way to teach a teenager to be secretive and distrustful, but a bad way to keep them safe. The more you check up on them, the more they will hide things from you, and if they ever do get into a situation they can't handle alone, the secrecy will be too established a habit for them to think of turning to you for help.

If you trust them, there's no guarantee they will completely trust you - keeping secrets is, after all, one way they mark themselves as separate to you. But it does improve the odds that they'll share the main things that are happening for them.

Treat their worries seriously
I still bitterly remember sharing with my mum a worry about my boyfriend of the time. She breezily told me that I ought to be worrying about my upcoming maths exam, and offered to help me with calculus. It's been over a quarter of a century since I saw that boyfriend, and almost as long since I used anything from A level maths, but that memory still stings.

The things that worry your teenager might seem trivial to you, but they matter deeply to them. You can reassure them that they have the tools they need to navigate a situation or that what looks distressing now will eventually resolve itself, but do not dismiss their worries and especially do not dismiss them to substitute your own. That's another way to belittle them and destroy the trust between you. If you think they're worrying about the wrong thing, go back and read the bit about letting them make their own mistakes, and keep reading until it sinks in.

Remember that you love them
Love isn't all-excusing: if you track your teenager's movements, dismiss their worries, or try to manipulate them into the life path you think they should choose, it's no defence to say you're only doing it because you love them. But if you embarrass them at a party by calling them to make sure they aren't lying dead at the roadside, the fact that you're acting out of concern for their safety might upgrade you from withering sarcasm to an almost affectionate eye roll. More importantly, you'll feel better within yourself if you can keep in mind that the main thing you want if for this young person to be safe and happy, and you want that because you care about them. These worries are the price we pay for caring about them so much, and framing it that way can make it a lot easier to bear.