I was sick last week. Very sick. Last Friday at dinner I started feeling off, and I told Audrey that I felt like it was going to be a bad one. It was. I was out of it completely until Tuesday afternoon, and it wasn’t until today that I started to feel anywhere near normal. I am guessing it was Covid, but I really don’t know because I just stayed in bed. It was probably the worst covid I have had to date.

I really can’t image why anyone would want to diminish the powers of covid. It is some deep dark mojo. When in the depths of its control you can see how it will take some folks out. This round was brutal. The impact it had on my breathing was real. If you are someone who gets covid and doesn’t ever feel it deeply, and can’t related to others experiencing it differently, I am guessing you are wrapped up in your own feelz too much. 

Hello Darkness My Old Friend
When I was in the depths of being sick last weekend I was having all kinds of wild dream and thoughts as I drifted in and out. I remember starting to write some wild texts to my kiddo, my sister, and a couple of other folks. I have pretty strong filters installed on “Kin Lane” specifically for moments like this, so nothing was actually sent, but I came close. They were just sappy I love you messages, but definitely coming from a dark and weird place I shouldn’t be inflicting upon people I love. Or really anyone. It is my shit.

Being out of it like I was this week reminds me of the old days when I used to get high. Covid fever is a lot like hard drugs. Or at least it triggers the same inward state for me. You begin to forget the world exists, or at least stop caring about it. There is a deep inner narrative going on, and the real world gets muted. Things are dark and slow, but honestly kind of nice. I embrace being checked-out. It is strange to say, but it kind of feels like a vacation. I don’t worry about money or work. I don’t care about yesterday or tomorrow. Just this moment, and maybe the next.

Blossoms in the Park
Poppy and I pulled off a ride in Central Park on Saturday. It was more than I could handle, but it was worth it. The blossoms were out. The sunshine was out. It was magical. I got lost in riding the loop. I intended on only doing one, but couldn’t help myself. I get so immersed in the people, wind, sunshine, and spring all around me, I had to do a second loop. Admittedly I used more of the “E” than I normally would on my ride. It was welcomed. The ride helped me pull through.

It is pure joy to ride with Poppy in Central Park. As soon as we enter the park, everything else disappears. We look for squirrels and people smiling. That is it. It is a much simpler existence. I am looking forward to the weather being nicer and being able to get out here daily like we did last summer. I feel so blessed to live in NYC but also get to ride around the park with Poppy. Even as awful as I felt, my body lit up and I felt like I was back to my normal self for a few moments.

Back to Work
I am happy to be back to work. I was happy to have a break. It is nice to reset and reboot the brain completely. I don’t like being sick, but I deeply respect it. I have a unique relationship with getting sick. I don’t see it as a bad thing. I’m sure it isn’t good for me, but I have found a peace with getting sick as much as I do. I see it as a cost of doing business. Sure I wish I didn’t get sick, but since it happens when I go out into the world, I accept it. I need to do that. I need to see people.

I am thankful to have a paycheck again, as well as health insurance. I’m making some doctor and dentist appointments now. That was one of the revelations I had while I was sick. Go get caught up on all the health stuff. I’ve let stuff accumulate because of life, but also just bullshit excuses. I like being on this planet. I love my girls. I wouldn’t say I “came close”, but it was rough enough to give me a reminder of just how amazing I have it, and I should do the work to stick around a little longer.

“Barn’s burnt down — Now I can see the moon.” - Poem by Mizuta Masahide