Well, we are officially in what one would likely call Hard Times^TM.

Uniformed criminals and thugs are in the streets murdering innocent people and kidnapping children. This isn’t new to America, in fact - it is the very fabric, fiber and foundation of this country (SOME OF US DONE BEEN AFRAID OF AMERICANS). Domestic genocide, terrorism and legalized segregation are all part of our (very) recent history. While comparisons to the Holocaust are apt, let’s not forget about slavery, The Trail of Tears, internment camps and Jim Crow. I know that this is a moment of awakening for many people who have long held the privilege of ignoring that fact. I’m not here to shame you (yet), that’s counterproductive. We can deal with you being tardy for the party later (but you ARE gonna get roasted when we get through this because you ARE part of the reason we ended up here - we might forgive, but we won’t forget it).

We’ve reached a point where inaction, ignorance and a lack of empathy doesn’t make you a passive or apolitical person. It is an active and deliberate choice that makes you complicit. I know that sounds harsh, but I have a negative amount of fucks in the bank. I want need to know that the people in my life, the people I want to protect, would do the same for me or someone else. And it’s bigger than that, it’s bigger than your immediate social circle. This is bigger than your neighbors. This is all of us, because EVERYTHING is interconnected. From SNAP cuts to a rollback in repro rights to George Floyd to guns to purity culture to DEI rollbacks to the end of body positivity to attacks on transgender people to taxes and so on and so on.

I’m just going to be honest. I’m not in a good place. I haven’t been sleeping and I’ll wake up sobbing and screaming (Josh can confirm). My anxiety meds are maxed out. This is tearing my heart out. I feel so hollow because it feels like people are still not awake and life is continuing as usual. I am so so scared. I’m scared for myself, my family and my friends and total strangers. Any individual in any of the _many Many ^MANY groups being targeted. I’m scared for everyone here and abroad. We are, in fact, living in the darkest timeline. We played the game and got the bad ending. Our collective rights are being eroded at breakneck speed, with bigoted lies being used as justification. If you believe in basic human rights, you should have been scared too. If you’re just now waking up, can I share an uncomfortable truth with you? You likely have at least one person in your life living in fear, not just of the state, but also of the not-knowing where you stand?

Did y’all sleep through the class when we discussed The Diary of Anne Frank?! This is how things start. People start deeming other people as undesirable and for years, you looked away when those people were different from you. Or when they lived somewhere else. Or were a different religion? But now we're here. IT’S HERE ON OUR COLLECTIVE DOORSTEP. And before you accuse me of looking for things to complain about or being too dialed in? How about maybe you’re too dialed out?? I don’t want to live in the ending of The Sound of Music (I’m more of a Buckaroo Bonzai girlie). Basically born to be a baby girl, forced to be the big dawg.

Here are a few sentiments that have been keeping me going:

only love can save us now.

i will be like Nina and cry power.

girl, get up.

But despair is the easy way out and I’ve always been hard-headed, so I refuse to live in fear. I believe that I’ve been given so many chances at life and I refuse to waste it doomscrolling and cowering in fear while all the WRONG people feel safe to live boldly in the open. I talked to my therapist about how to live in action, not inaction. You can’t simply box breathe your way out of the shit, you have to put in the work. I’m going to start by making sure my metaphorical house is in order so I can be the best version of myself for those around me. Make sure that in all this chaos, you’re taking care of you too.

I love you and if reading this made you feel less alone or you want to talk about what’s going on, you know where to find me.

I want the record to show that I showed up and showed out until the end.

In conclusion:

I DIDN'T GET NO FUCKING SLEEP 'CAUSE OF Y'ALL!

Y’ALL NOT GONNA GET NO SLEEP 'CAUSE OF ME!

Enjoyed small butt, big frown #9? Any tips received between now and the next email will go to the Immigrant Defense Project.