Last night, I saw an episode from the current season of The Simpsons.

In the episode, Lisa becomes fascinated by a WB CW-esque teen drama that Marge, her mother, watched as a girl. While looking for a dvd of the show, Lisa discovers some of Marge’s clothes from that era and observes that fashion from that time is now deemed vintage and trendy. Marge persuades Lisa to wear an outfit to school the next day.

I won’t spoil the entire episode, but it was shockingly… good(???)! I don’t want to get too far from my main point, but my goodness - The Simpsons was Family Guy-bad for a minute. I don’t know if that’s changed, but if this episode is indicative of current quality, consider me relieved - the show’s legacy can be saved! I admit my bias: I adore Lisa and love a good Lisa episode. However, I think this is an objectively good half-hour of television.

ANYWAY. I heart Lisa Simpson. Did I say that already??? She truly has had a lasting impact on the person I’ve become today. When I was growing up, representation was where you found it - so that meant getting creative. I saw slivers of myself in Lisa, Jem (and the rest of the band), Daria and Hilary Banks. But Lisa is something else - as a child, I wished for a friend like her and as an adult? I find myself very protective of this character and at times, almost maternal. Even as my love for newer seasons of the show has waned, my adoration and self-identification with Lisa has never wavered.

A core tenet of a Lisa episode - our heroine is optimistic, curious and principled in a way that most others around her are not, but she is also unsure of herself in a way that makes someone even as noble as Lisa feel real, authentic and like a truly (as much as something can be) universal representation of an eight year old girl. I think that’s why I see so much of myself in Lisa. Principled, sometimes a bit preachy, but ultimately human (which means corruptible, sorry to say).

I took the long way around to get to the real world comparison here, I know.

While in recovery, I’ve really struggled with feeling as if my actions are incongruent with my beliefs, mainly regarding my body politics. Especially when set against a backdrop of a cultural climate where body diversity and positivity are in sharp decline. I’m not going to rehash how we got here (today), but I feel immensely guilty for ultimately choosing myself.

I’ve never subscribed to “choices in a vacuum” activism where every action is revolutionary based solely on the identity of the person making the choice. So I understand how “choosing myself” could seem like the rhetoric and rationale used by those turning their backs on the (perceived as) no longer profitable plus size space. But I don’t mean it in that way. I stand by everything I ever said and I still believe in the promise of radical fat positive politics. I just wish that I had been better in the application of these beliefs to my own body. I wish that I had been able to give myself a little more grace. I wish that I had been stronger and ^{even more} vocal during treatment (I may have shaken a few tables while there). I wish that I hadn’t put myself in danger (girl).

A small part of me feels as if getting sick was the penalty for betraying my core beliefs in the first place. I don’t know if that’s true or not (but I do believe in a spiteful and petty God with a sense of humor, so you never know).

The quest for thinness, acceptance (much like Lisa) and desirability nearly killed me. I’m not really sure what I have to show for it. What? A smaller dress size and a medically necessary panniculectomy? Was it worth it? Sometimes I wonder why I wasn’t immune to the propaganda like others I respect and follow. I thought I was built different.

In most episodes, (with the help of others) Lisa is able to reconcile complicated and complex truths in a way that allows her to survive, optimism and principles in tact. But that’s the beauty of a half-hour sitcom. I’m definitely not in the denouement of this act of my life yet. But I’m hoping I’ll get there eventually, just like my hero.

If you wanna help me buy lipstick: https://ko-fi.com/kiddotrue