TW: Eating disorders

Today is my 14th wedding anniversary. Everyone say hi and congrats to Joshua. He's tolerated my shenanigans for over twenty years and somehow, he isn't tired of me.

Today is also the 1 year anniversary of the day I FINALLY agreed to seek help for my lifelong eating disorder. This would become the end of my 2024 and it would consume (heh) a significant portion of my 2025. Last year, on my (lucky) thirteenth wedding anniversary, we packed up my things and headed to Plano, only to be turned away because I had deteriorated to the point of needing medical attention before mental health could even be addressed.

I have no recollection of last Thanksgiving. I awoke to the smell of orange chicken and my family tearfully eating Chinese food from styrofoam containers, instead of the requisite holiday spread. A code blue had been called on me and I almost didn't make it.

As someone who doesn't spend a lot of time in reflection (I ADMIT I NEED TO WORK ON THIS), I haven't spent a lot of time grappling with the severity of the situation. It's complicated to think about, especially as someone who has experienced some level of "wishing I was dead" pretty consistently since my teens. Despite this, I am immensely grateful to be alive. Since getting out of treatment, my relationships have improved, I've met amazing people, I've started work AND working out (Pilates is the GOAT) and finally, I've made some semblance of peace with my own body.