Stronger
hi, I’m still alive.
Life has been hard lately. Testing for transplant has ramped up. I’ve met my new BMT doctor, an ID doc, the new pain fellow…on the 17th, I’ll meet more. I have testing all week here at MSKCC’s campus in Middletown and their main one in the city. Things seem to be accelerating. In all the years of speculation about transplant, we’ve never gotten this far.
And maybe I’m freaking out. Sunday I cried in my 7 year old niece’s arms and she just held me. She held me through whatever feelings she may have been having at the moment; whenever I saw someone crying at that age, I freaked out and rain upstairs. But not my sweet baby niece, Adelaide Josephine. She just hugged me.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m so sensitive, so easily triggered, and so freaked out whenever someone says something in a way I take to mean they hate me. My sister and then my therapist suggested that hey, maybe it’s all the crap I mentioned above. Maybe I am freaked out cuz it all seems to be happening. Or not happening.
Because there could be a bad test result that calls the whole thing off, and that’s why no date has been set. And maybe that’s freaking me out too.
I just. I just thought I was stronger. I thought my pain tolerance was super high, mentally and physically. And it turns out it’s actually very, very low. (You can ask the tattoo artist who did my penguins a few weeks ago and had to stop every few minutes for me to breathe. This, for a person who was once told I was the “strongest person I’ve ever tattted”!)
I’ve been listening and reading Instagram feeds to help me eat better. To get stronger. I’m taking vitamins, cleaning, walking and trying a little more than I usually do. I’m failing, obviously, for the most part, but a Brussels sprout does pass through my lips from time to time...
I want to be able to pass the tests for transplant. Because it’s my only hope for a better life, for a longer life. I’ll keep trying to eat vegetables and meditate and you should do. There’s a lot of pain in trying and failing, but there’s a shit ton of growth too.
Love you guys.
PS: playing basketball with your 3 year old nephew will bring you great joy as you continue on your journey. Highly recommend. 🏀